Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse I've moved here from MLC

Nope, my PC has a mind of its own too.
Thank you 2BA.
I needed some advice and a kick to the head.
He is just so weird and it's so up and down, you would think I was used to it by now. But he can still push my buttons. There are moments when I think it's on purpose and then moments when I'm not so sure. I don't even know which would be better.
And when I get some of those buttons covered and under control, he finds new ones.
It's crazy.
But I have my DB friends and that has been a huge comfort to me.
XO to you!

I agree with 2gthr.

Your H has been cake eating for far too long. Attract him back by showing him your attitude. No pressure just a statement of facts.

Keep things strictly business. Be the first one to detach so he has no choice but to look inwards. The thing about MLC is that those in the throes of it are prone to intense mood swings. Don't let him control you.

You're doing great so far on your GAL. Keep it up.

I have been ignoring every button push. And if you knew me personally you would know how hard that is. OMG is it hard LOL. But basically our men are behaving the same sometimes, and you cannot give him the satisfaction of being right. Proving to him that you do all the complaining, no listening, always fighting.

Prove him wrong. Stand strong. Write your frustrations here, or in a journal. Just be a strong woman in front of him. Trust me I know it's hard, we're both new to this. I'm here for you.

Something that may help.

You may want to slow things down.

Why? Because things are happening so fast that you two keep colliding. He's not married? In months? Hmm.... Part of the script from what I've seen.

For now? Take the advice you've been getting - detach. Stop driving yourself nuts and stop beating yourself up for caring. You do care. Ok. But if you care, you need to detach. Stop letting him cake eat of course but don't lash out like a child.

It's going to be a while. It'll change faster if you change and detach. Stop the R talk and refuset to talk about it with him. You'll be glad you did even if it does not seem like it right now. I can speak from experience on that one

It's not easy. You'll slide again. You'll let something get the better of you. Let it go.

Set your eyes on your goals and don't take your eyes off of them.

It's not easy, but you can do it. Slow it down and make him play to your slow pace.

Be the change you want the world to see.

AJ

today, you are my DB hero and 2GBA is my best DB friend, along with JB and Mr. Lost and LRZ......I would really be lost without this sight.
I have great friends, my DB coach is awesome, my therapist is the most hysterical ex-hippie who helps to really ground me and control my temper, and my family, esp. my S is my rock....but this "place" has been my secret corner for weeks now.
Love you Freakin' People!

I know exactly how you feel. No one I know personally has any idea about us. We put on such a show. This is the only place I can release. I'm glad I can be your DB friend.

So yesterday on my way to my friends house where I am staying my H sends me a text. For clarity, the friends I am staying with, I'll call them G and T. G and T are very good friends with me and my H. G is the husband, T is the wife, my very very good friend.
In the text H asks me to let G have his castle for the evening. T is out of town until next Tuesday. I texted back that sure that's a great idea I wondered if G was going to feel weird since T was gone for a long weekend visiting her family.
So I called T and asked "Did G want me and S not to stay there while you were gone?" She laughed and said no way, he was asking me what he should make you all for dinner. Come to find out from H himself, it was his idea that S and I spend the evening at home with him to give G back his castle.
I was thrilled, but hid it.
The evening was so "normal", it was very much like it was in happier days.
And then this morning, the only contact we've had has been related to our house and our insurance company. (We had a break in not too long ago. Pain in the rearside.)
So, I am pleased to say that while I'm bummed the contact has been completely business, I'm happy I haven't reacted to it. I was actually expecting it and acted accordingly.
Hopefully, he'll come stay with me and S at G and T's place because now they are both out of town. So I have their house to myself.
Believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do.

Hi,

I battle the "does he have other motives" for being nice every day - mostly around finances and potential custody. It really really is awful. I would not beat your self up for having them though. I guess it keeps us on our toes but yes, it really stinks because to me it is like I cannot enjoy the good time because I always live them with a wary eye.

I also kept asking my husband if he wanted a divorce. Usually when he would talk about the new furniture he got for the house and our son. Again removing me completely from the picture (we are separated).

The actions versus words are enough to put anyone in the funny farm. My husband was just really really confused. Sounds like that might be the case with you. If you want to work it out, confusion is good as it means he is not 100 done.

And looking like the perfect family to the outside world and having things so screwed up is maddening. I can relate.

After months of up and downs and focusing on myself, he wants to attempt to reconcile. This brings its own set of issues but I hope you get there if that it what you want.

Hi SarahG,
Nice to "meet" you.
This is what I just wrote to Kassie.
Any input would help. I would actually love it. And yes, I would love to get to a point where he and I both want to reconcile and really work on it together. Today for the first time in a while, I really feel like this could be done.

Spent a good portion of day crying.
Since Thursday things had been WONDERFUL. I had been back at home with him and it was as if he wanted to reconcile but just had not said the words.
He left this morning for golf. Gave me a huge kiss and hug good bye. He came back around 12:30 and was weird. I asked what was wrong and should I leave, do you need some space, thinking, alright, we're getting to the backlash. And he said yeah, why don't you go back to where you've been staying.....
I was devestated. I tried to remember all of my DB knowledge and skills and did ok, but he was so "I just need to get my head straight, and I don't need this now." I told him he was the one who came home with weird all around him and he said Yeah, I know this one is on me. I asked him What do you want me to do later? Do you want us here? He said Do what you want, but I am not going to think about this now, I am just going to go hang out with some work friends and what some basketball later.
He even said "We're not getting back together" in this conversation.
I've been trying to tell myself all day "Don't believe anything they say and less than 50% of what they do." But today has been very very hard. I feel like I can't breathe and I'm drowning.
I really feel like I may just need to move forward with this and end it.
I used to be so much stronger of a woman before my S was born. Before my S, I would have kicked him to the curb after a couple of weeks of this. I would have walked. But now, motherhood has really really changed me. I thought motherhood would make me stronger.
Crap.

Found you!

Just read your post at MR Lost. Came over to your thread to respond. I think your assessment of the weekend is correct. You did push him away with your comments to go get the D. At the same time, you missed seeing the progress or positives on his part.
Positives: 1) he asked to stay instead of letting you go
2) he hasn't filed, not because of the money but he doesn't want to 3) he suggested slowing down the D talk and taking a break.

I also wanted to change your word "accomodating him" to working things out with him. The main problem I read here is that you overreact to his disconnection, and reinforce the disconnection between you both instead of making moves towards each other. I say this to support your intention to work on saving the M.
If you have changed your mind or are unsure then take the time you need to get the information you need to make the best decision.

Finally, a word about "feelings" - our feelings are as stable as fleeting thoughts crossing our minds. Notice them, see where they take you and then let them go. Feelings give us information to help us sort out what needs to be done - they do not have all the answers - that is what thoughts provide and good friends.

Hang in there - sounds all in all a difficult weekend but it is over and a new week to start fresh - either way.

Let me know what you think and how you are doing today.