Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Healing my Heart part 7

tal,

I thought you just went into your personal details and changed your name yourself.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. ((((HUGS))))

SOME of us Leos can be real b*stards sometimes

Go into MY Stuff and Click on My Profile and scroll down to user name and you can change it there.....or are you trying to change your log on name?

Thanks db...

Saffie,

I actually notify them, and yes Im changed...

I do love you leos, because you are affectionate and can be very loving, but boy, He is really tempting fate. he is pushing me where I don't want to go. He is so insecure with himself, that I am paying the price for it.

Thanks saff

Changed? From a caterpillar to a butterfly??

(((((Tal/fightingirish)))))

Name change threw me for a loop.

I'm listening to the audio version of the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" -- your description of your H sounds like a classic "Mr. Nice Guy". He sounds like the type called "the avoider". He has few male friends, feels victimized by you, his wife, complains of a lack of sex but doesn't seem to really know how to assert his desires constructively or successfully, has a problem in realizing healthy sex which often leads to unproductive outlets (Internet porn in his case.) He genuinely thinks he is a nice guy but feels put upon by those he wants to help, which in the end is a form of intellectual dishonesty. The avoider seems to bend over backwards for everyone else but his partner.

Am I off on any of these?

I see a lot of these traits in myself, however I know full well that I am selfish and fallible, very much. I know I can be a real insensitive b*stard if I don't watch myself. No, I don't seem to quite fit the pattern myself and yet some of the dynamics are recognizable in my life none the less.

You H, though, fits the bill to a tee.

I am praying for you, dear lady.

Hey FI, Just wanted to say I like the new name - that's the right attitude!

Tal/fightingirish
Your relationship with your husband reminds me sooo much of mine, even though ours has spun further out of control(we no longer sleep together) and we`re both hanging on in here by the teeth though probably for different reasons.

I`m gone beyond Michelle Weiner`s books for advice. I`ve done the 180 and everything else I can think of but keep believing that out of all this insanity there is still hope. Our relationship spiralled out of control because I did not feel loved by my husband and wish I`d realised a long time ago that no matter what I did/said/looked like H would turn against me.

Rob sums up my H for me too:
"your description of your H sounds like a classic "Mr. Nice Guy". He sounds like the type called "the avoider". He has few male friends, feels victimized by you, his wife, complains of a lack of sex but doesn't seem to really know how to assert his desires constructively or successfully, has a problem in realizing healthy sex which often leads to unproductive outlets (Internet porn in his case.) He genuinely thinks he is a nice guy but feels put upon by those he wants to help, which in the end is a form of intellectual dishonesty. The avoider seems to bend over backwards for everyone else but his partner."

I know now that my H was hugely affected by his father`s phyical violence towards his mother. I know now that H is full of fear which seems I think to be why he needs to control me.

I wish I`d reacted more calmly to him in the past. He got ridiculously critical saying things like "you have no friends" "You have no class" I picked up his volleys every time and fired them back.

I realise now he was coming from a frightened place. He needed(still needs) professional help from a good therapist. And my only job is to fully mind me and the kids. I cannot be his victim nor his rescuer.

Yes, I`m still hanging on in here by the teeth and hoping things will work out. Doesn`t look like it right now. But miracles happen don`t they?

So, from the bit I`ve learnt, 1.stay calm. 2.Mind you really well-lots of sleep, good food, new clothes. 3.Mind the kids. 4.Make as many happy memories for yourself and the kids through this difficult time;you want to be able to look back on this stage with a little fondness. 5.Go to therapy/read self help books/audio books whatever is your thing. 6.Keep your friends.Hang out with them, have a laugh. You`ll need one or two to help you through this but not the whole shooting gallery. 7.Don`t rise to the bait when you see your H looking to start a row-hes just looking to blame you for his crap feeling. * If you`re bothered about the possibility of him going through your PC stuff delete temp internet files -or at least your history as it won`t help you if he`s hanging out here. And always remember to log out.

I found a couple of articles on the net useful. Go google for "Living with the Passive Aggressive Spouse" and "The Boomerang Relationship". They might describe a little of where you`re at.

Take heart.

We have had happier times.My husband has always tried to control me with his moods but hey! I`m no angel either! We`ve three great kids and the potential to have many more happy times. He doesn`t see it like that right now and maybe we will have to separate before he does see it.

I`m ready to stay and put in the work. But I`m also ready to go make a new life for myself if he doesn`t come to his senses soon.

Tried to pm you, but couldn`t.Will watch this space for your updates and I wish you well.

Good Morning FIghtingiriSH

Can I get ya some coffee?

How're you, friend?

I am so sorry your H is making matters even worse for you. Speaking selfishly for myself, I might have cut him a wee bit of slack (since he is being a complete and utter fool, one worthy of some pity) were it not for the possibility that he is intimidating you now from participating online with us.

(If things are difficult in that regard, you so have several of our email addr's. Hint, hint.)

Hugs and blessings always.

Hi guys, sorry i've been MIA... Things have gotten really bad, and I've just been trying to deal with them.

Thanks fallgirl.. sounds like my h and yours are alot alike! My h's father was too controling over his wife also, only I stand up to mine.

I won't make this long.

last Thursday he butted heads with my S6. It got bad. He lost his temper. S6 knows how to push his buttons, and doesn't stop. But H doesn't know how to draw the line with playing and being serious. S6 was being really fresh and was getting rough with H. So he got spanked for not listening. Now although I don't have a problem with spanking, I have a problem with doing it when you are in "angry mode".

It did scare me, because I could see how on the edge H was.

I packed up the kids and left. He didn't try to chase me or anything, he just let me go.

It was probably the most angry I have ever been at him including what he did to me.

He tried to call several times. I only picked up once and told him that this will not be tolerated and that it won't happen again on my watch.

I stayed the night at my gf's. The kids were ok, just upset. I called H's best friend and talk to him at length. He is very level headed. I asked him to call up H and just see what the hell is going on with him. H's friend just said that I did the right thing, but you know that H would never hurt the kids, he's never spanked them before,and that he's got to be going through soemthing that we just don't know.

That's probably true, but it doesn't mean that its acceptable.

Next day, we waited until the afternoon and I knew he wasn't home. The kids seemed to be ok, I was having a harder time with it then them. I kept on going through it in my mind. After he got home he was upset and just hugged S6 and said sorry and how much he loved him and said that he felt uncomfortable he would leave and stay somewhere else for awhile. S6 said no.

I have never seen him like that before.

I told him that he's going to have to get help or Im gone. I don't care if I have to live on the street with my boys, but he has to deal with whatever is going on inside his head.

Right now we are down to our last hundred dollars. There is just no work here. We are beginning to get behind in everything. Its just bad all the way around.

Doesn't help that my birthday was Saturday, some birthday.

He did write to me in one of the cards he got me that what is going on has nothing to do with me or the kids and that he was sorry.

I don't get it.

Something is going on in his head. My plan is to have a heart to heart with him, but I really have to wait until we sign a job. There's no point in stressing eachother out until we are feeling better about the money situation. We need so much just to run the business, and we are in bad finincial shape right now.

So that's it guys. Im ok. He's not home right now, won't be until late. It gives me some space. tomorrow he will be doing a small job and Friday also. So it will be quiet around here.

Thanks for listening and not judging... I have to change my sig line, can't beleive im 37 !!