Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--part 3

Hi AFWAW,

Does your W understand that her little girl is being damaged by this? Does she understand that SHE is the adult in her R with her daughter, and that it is her duty to try to connect with her daughter every day?

It concerns me to hear that your daughter is "visibly upset". By the time the pain is visible, there have already been several levels of damage done. Your W has to be an unfaltering role model as she navigates her way through her decisions about your M.

This experience will affect your daughter for the rest of her life and will likely take its toll on her adult Rs.

Please give your W a wake up call on this before more damage is done. There is no excuse for failing that child.

Thanks,
Lucky

Yeah, good luck with that! When they are in this mindset, they can justify their behavior without any problem at all! It's almost as if they are...well, selfish! They are really only thinking about themselves, and nothing you say will change that mindset.

Lucky,
I don't think she does understand. She has made several comments in the past few months that have bothered me regarding my daughter to include, I don't think she needs counseling, I think she's putting on a show and I think she just wants attention.

You think it's bad now. If my wife goes through with a divorce, it will get way worse due to the nature of our jobs. I will be sure to move to another state and then contact will really be limited to phone calls and limited visitation.

I have told my wife that she did this therefore she needs to be the one that calls.

Yep, you are correct. The wife has already stated that she wants to be selfish and she knows that it is wrong but she doesn't care at this point. That was about a month ago. It seems like time away has helped some but she is still slow to initiate contact. We'll see if it gets better.

If nothing else, however, you don't want your wife coming back to you down the road at some point and saying "Why didn't you TELL me (D was so upset)????" At least if you tell her, you're on record, and then it's up to her as to whether or not she does something about it.

Don't lay guilt trips on her daily, but don't shelter her from the truth, either.

Puppy

That sucks. A whole other level of mess that you'll have to forgive her for if she comes back.

Your W shouldn't dare be surprised when your daughter decides to go her own way one day. I'm sure she'll have no sense of obligation to your W when she's an old lady and in need of support. And, I'm sure she'll spend a lifetime working through abandonment issues. Lovely.

This isn't my place, I know, but I really get upset about the kids in these situations.

Be sure to give your daughter extra love and attention through this time, AFWAW. She doesn't deserve this anguish. And, of course, I believe that it does NOT help to disrespect your W with your words/actions through this time. Just stand proud and be a noble man throughout this journey. By doing so, you'll teach your daughter how great a man and a person can be.

Lucky

My S's IC laid it on the line to WAW a few weeks back: Both children will see LBS as the victim and you as the person who broke their home.

When W objected with the usual story about how I (that is, SP) did this and that and W was driven to it and all, IC stopped her and said it didn't matter. First, the kids would never know that stuff (as children). Second, because they're staying with me they will naturally ally themselves with me. So she's going to be the Bad Guy and might as well get used to it.

No surprise to me but an eye-opener to W.

Not that it changed her mind. And that's the real point, isn't it?

So I agree with Puppy -- don't shield her from the facts. You don't have to deliver them cruelly, but you buy yourself nothing -- and do neither D nor W any favors -- by cushioning the blow, either.

My W actually believes that the kids will respect her for abandoning the family! Talk about fogged-out thinking there! Guilt does not work to bring the WAS around (at least in my sitch), but I do think that it helps, and as Puppy said, it is a better to be on record that you were open and truthful during while the stuff was hitting the fan.

Oh, I've told her. In the beginning when she told my daughter that she was leaving, she believes my daughter was good with it. How, I don't know. I have pointed it out about 4 times now. The wife's response was, she was good with it before. I told her that people react differently to different situations at different times and you can't control how our daughter feels. Who knows how she is processing the sitch. Hopefully and I do mean hopefully, she realizes the damage she is doing and brings her beautiful behind back home!

I don't know if my wife would go that far but it sure is funny ironic how my wife has had to change based on the sitch. Before, she had my paycheck to spend as well and she ate out a lot. Now, she has to cook at home and I was talking to her the other night and heard her clanging pans and asked what she was cooking. She said spaghetti--this cracked me up because she always complained about spaghetti when I cooked it because she doesn't like it. She quickly said, I don't like it but it sure is easy to make(ya think?) The old me would have rubbed her nose in it(you know, the I told you so type of attitude). I just listened. I've learned so much from just listening. I really wish I could go back in time and change some of my behaviors earlier. So far, I have not enabled her to argue with me since this sitch. I have listened and validated and when appropriate, I have shown affection. I have not judged her(at least to her face or through words). I have maintained control of my body language. Additionally, the small things that used to bother me before no longer do. Lots of changes that hopefully the wife has taken note of when around.