Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy he is back, i think

mdoodles, I dont think that its necessarily a bad idea for him to work his way home, you cant just jump back in without fixing the fundamental problem. That being said, have you asked him for some kind of proof that its over between them? If he cant do that, can he show you his cell phone bills? Can you go meet him at work in a hot outfit for a special lunch?

I dont think that your feelings are unfounded at all, its going to take a long time before you can trust him as deeply as you once did, and even once you feel like you have regained that, theres no guarantee that one day, 7 years from now these feelings wont rear their ugly head all over again.

You cant enforce a no contact plan if he still works with this woman, its just going to be doomed to fail, maybe this is a situation where transparency is more suited until you close on the business and he is totally out of that environment. I do think that you are at a critical point, and this is a time where all of your actions need to be taken with great care and patience. Dont beat yourself up if you backslide or have a day where your behavior makes you less than proud. You are going through a lot right now, even if you are impatient with your son, working things out with his father is totally worth it.

Could you compromise on that? I mean, could you live with waiting one or 2 months? Then discuss with him having that happen by that time? If he won't commit to that even, maybe it is just an excuse or looks like one anyway... Karen

he is willing to switch jobs, the store we would be buying is easily an hour from where he was working, which is where she lives (she no longer works there). he thought he was ready to jump back home but told me he feels like he needs to work his way home. he feels that leaving his environment and starting fresh with the store can help him do that. im just nervous. he says he will focus on us, and try to make us work. im just afraid. although, i can look at it like this too - even if he jumped back home, it doesnt mean he cant find a way to see her or change his mind down the road.

i know that if i do not go through with this store, we dont stand a chance.

so we went through with the store, we close on monday. my h gave notice at his job and is finished there. all scary and good at the same time.

im just nervous on the trusting issues. he promised me he will dismiss the divorce action this week. i know very well without him telling me that he is still in contact with the ow. i told him she must be gone, i dont want to hear from her, he must cut all ties now. he promised that he would. he tells me his focus is on me and working out our marriage and being a family. he truly feels the fresh start with the business will help him to refocus to the old him.

the question now is do i push the issue of the ow, make sure all ties are cut, or do i wait a week or so to bring it up again? i find myself getting pushy...

You push it, ONCE, now.

And you ask that he SHOW you, rather than TELL you. He needs to DEMONSTRATE to you that it's over. Sending her a no-contact letter, and setting up a transparency plan with you, would be the kind of tangible things i'm talking about.

Words are cheap (useless, actually) when you're dealing with a known liar.

Puppy

well its clear to me that no matter what he says or does, until he actually lives at home with me, i am going to be pestering him. when i called him before, i thought i heard someone in the background, so i decided it was her and i started flipping. we hung up and he called me back 5 minutes later saying, "i was in the middle of paying for the stuff for the store and u start screaming at me? u heard the person in the store". and he proceeds to tell me what he ordered for the store and when it will be delivered.

so i told him that he needs to understand what my concerns are, and telling me he isnt with her and hasnt seen her is not good enough, that i need to be shown proof she is out. i told him im extremely nervous, especially since he isnt home yet.

the truth is, this isnt going to work for me unless he moves home now, or within the next few weeks. i cannot see us "piecing" unless he lives here. i get that people do it slowly, and maybe slowly makes sense, but my way of learning to trust him involves sleeping next to him.

this is very hard.

i havent posted since wednesday. after our discussion wednesday, as posted above, H surprised me and came home. he has been home since then and i guess i can say we are piecing. its hard.

let me not forget to say that the ow texted and called the first night he was back (i called my wireless company and had her number blocked, then she texted from her friends number and i blocked that one too)...

he spent passover with us and our large family for the first time in 3 years, has slept in bed and been intimate a couple of the nights, but when he gets quiet, i get nervous. like the last 2 nights, he slept in bed but far away from me.

how do i handle piecing? i dont want to let my guard down yet, but it is so hard not to.

we close on the store today which is very exciting and nerve wracking at the same time.

H went back to where he had been living yesterday and stayed there last night. it seems he still wants to do this slowly and stay here a few nights and his old place a few nights to break back in to being home for good.

im not happy about it because im convinced the ow is not fully gone.

Nor am I.

he tells me its over, and it may be, but there is still phone contact im sure...

her calling me and texting me last week when he was here leads me to believe she was lashing out because its over and i do not think i have heard the last from her (i did not answer her calls, no interest in talking to her ever again)

he was with me from wednesday night until sunday morning, definitely did not see her during that time, may have seen her yesterday, i will never know.

now that his job has moved out here, he will be working 7 days a week. the only time he would get to see her would be if he didnt come home here after work and chose to sleep at his old place.


i do not know if i should bring her up again or let it be for a few days. i just dont know.