Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

You had to have seen this coming. Why did you want to wait till she was out the door to tell them?

I was going to wait till the day she moved out. She didn't move out today since the movers never showed up. Now we don't know when she will reschedule it to. I did not want the kids to just be waiting in limbo like I am

We had a family meeting and we told them we love them very much and will always love them as their mom and dad. Mommy and daddy are working on some adult things so she will have a place and daddy will stay home. I saw my oldest tear up a little so I said it was ok to feel sad about it as daddy is sad about it. I then asked if they had any questions that they can ask

My oldest asked me how long will mommy be renting. I said mommy needs to answer that one. She said she didn't know.
She was mad that I talked to them and told them so much. She was also mad about how I talked to her. I said that I felt disrespected and hurt. I told her that we're both very emotional right now so we should cool off and talk later.

It will have to be tomorrow since she's babysitting for our good friends who's husband is in the hospital. She won't be back till midnite

One thing I would point out is that both of you have to stop pointing fingers at one another especially with the kids.

It's tough. Especially when my 6 y.o. D heard.

Hang in there though you can do it.

I'm tempted to call her while she is babysitting at my friends house?

Stupid?

Crazy?

Dumb?

I want to tell her that I didn't mean to offend her about anything I said.

Or is that too much Mr Nice Guy?

Don't do it! That's persuing, under the guise of apologizing. I know it's hard not to. She know's how you feel...believe me. She knows you care, and she knows you don't want this. We feel a need to keep telling them, like they're gonna forget or something. They won't. And they know how we feel.

She got back home and said that she had wanted to call me but her cellphone battery died. She asked if I had wanted to talk

I said that I was surprised when she called me to tell me she told the boys by herself. I told her I felt that it was unfair and disrespectful. I said that I didn't mean to say anything that offended her, but I felt this was something that we should have done together. I told her that the one thing we are on the same page is that we are both passionate about our kids.

She said that she wanted to tell them yesterday but was frustrated that I didn't want to. She said she felt that I wanted to lie to the kids, which she didn't agree with. I said I wished she would have said that yesterday. I agree that we shouldn't lie to the kids, but she could have said that we would talk about it once daddy got home

We wound up talking about communication and we seem to be getting better at it. She said we're definitely talking more but doesn't feel that we are able to reach conclusions. She agreed that we seem definitely more comfortable in saying things.

She said that in the past she felt that if she said something that made me mad, I would do things/act in a way to make her uncomfortable. I said if I did that it was unintentional and she should have called me out on it.

So goes another evening. Sounds like she's going move on Sat now. I told her that I will not be around and will be taking the boys shopping for furniture to replace what she's taking out of the playroom. She said she understood.

So I finally got really angry.
I have a feeling it won't be the last time

Yep they don't call it the roller coaster for nothin'.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't even require your W to go to the every other C session. Sounds like a half ass attempt at placating you on her part. She really doesn't want to go.

I think the best for you and her is the space.

Hold on tight because the road gets bumpier.

Stuck808

I can see the space providing positives and negatives. I just hope we don't kill each other or what's left of our relationship in the process.

I hadn't required her to attend counseling. Every week we had set it up where I was going and she was welcome to attend as well. When she brought up attending every other , I responded "If that's what you want to do"

This week is going to be a tough one. In a way I was relieved that she was going to complete her move yesterday. I had mixed feelings when she called to say her movers never showed up. I had wished it was done so we could move forward. Now we're still in limbo

I'm particularly urked that our kids know. Last nite they both asked when how long she will be renting. They both asked as they went to bed and got up a few times to ask

They are now in limbo as well

There's not much new to say other than the limbo continues.

I feel my wife feels the same.

She says she wants to move out so she will have time and space. Don't know what for, but she feels she needs it. She still says she doesn't know what she wants.

My therapist/counselor seems to be pushing me to just move on. Yesterday's session I told her what my wife said about wanting to stop talking about the past and start talking about the present. She said that my wife keeps bringing up the past with respect to how it hurt her.

She asked me what I wanted to talk about? I didn't know what I wanted to talk about when/if my wife attends another counseling session. I said all I know is that I want to save my marriage. I know all that I can do is work on myself and change so I won't make the same mistakes again. I need to do that for myself, my kids and hopefully wife will be there to see and believe it as well. So I asked her what should we talk about to reach my outcome. She seemed unsure as well. Not very reassuring. I do have another appointment with her this Friday (I normally only see her once a week, but I have a feeling it's going to be tough over the next 2 weeks so I scheduled 3 appointments).

Anyway we continued our conversation from my last therapy appointment is do I love my wife. She asked if I would die for her. I said without hesitation, yes. The irony is that I struggle with putting her needs in front of mine when they conflict. I thought that was also part of love, loving someone enough to help them achieve their goals/dreams, even if it's not what I want. But because I love them, it is what I want to do. I know I didn't/don't do that with my wife. I can't do that now with her wanting to move out and a divorce. The other problem, is my wife didn't clearly communicate her dreams/goals/wants to me so I was assuming/guessing most of the time.

Unfortunately I usually assumed/guessed wrong so I never helped her achieve her dreams/goals/wants.

Then my counselor said I need to set more boundaries. She sees that I don't have many boundaries with my wife. This was one area we spent a lot of time exploring but I'm still struggling with. I know it was in the Mr. Nice Guy Book. I heard it's also in the NUTS book, but don't want to start that until I'm done with Love without Hurt. I'm also struggling with compassion, but didn't even get to that with my therapist.

She said a boundary should be anything that is a mixed message or adds to my hurt. I told her about how my wife came into the bathroom as I was drying off from my shower and gave me a hug. She said that was clearly a mixed message and I should have drawn a boundary there, or at least asked what was she doing by giving me a hug. Was she trying to make herself feel better? Or was she give me a crumb of emotion to keep me going? Or what? The discussion with my therapist had really gotten me confused. My therapist asked me how I felt about the hug. I did like it when she came to me, but then it did add to my confusion and hurt afterwards.

She said that my love for my wife is like an addiction. Right now I'm going through withdrawls of my wife no longer giving me love. So any little thing is feeding my addiction and making my withdrawls worse. Something to think about

Seems like my therapist is pushing me to let go and move on. Not sure if that's the direcction I like to head down.....

What is everyone's thoughts? Is my therapist really helping me save my marriage? It doesn't seem like to me. Seems like she's more worried about me coming out without being an emotional wreck after a divorce.....

Regardless what you're being told, I wouldn't give up on your marriage if your convictions tell you to stay committed to it.