Unfortunately, once you are Divorced, and things are said and done, you have absolutely no say so as to how your EX spends his money.
Yes he is being frivolous with his money, but in all honesty it is his money.
I also think that once a child becomes 18, child support stops also.
As your Son is 18, perhaps he can ask his Dad for some Summer clothes and financial help.
When my Husband was gone, my two older kids got Summer jobs to pay for their extra stuff, and they both had part time jobs after school.
Now that he is home, we help out when we can, but they are adults now and have to be responsible for themselves. They are both in College and both work also.
Renee, as a side note, kids appreciate things more when they have to work for what they want.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Brandnewday is right, kids do appreciate their things more when they buy it themselves. It also teaches them responsibility before they get out on their own.
My daughter is a senior in school (18 yrs old) and works part time. She has been paying her car payment and insurance payment for over a year. She won't let me help because she said it is hers. She also buys most of her own stuff. It has taught her the value of a dollar. I have tried to pay for things when I can but she won't let me.
alright guys I have a question. If the opportunity arrives again for me to speak with xh, and it will probably be on the phone, how should I act? Since we are divorced already can I voice my opinion when he says something mean or negative? When he starts with the "how I am doing things differently this time", should I tell him exactly how I feel or should I try and validate and be nice. In other words try to be happy for him. We are already divorced so tell me why I can not just tell him what I think about him?
On a good note, son told me his dad had been going to church every Sunday. I am glad to hear that.
S If XH tells you how he is doing things differently now..I would validate briefly and change the subject to something lighter..I definitely think that any talk about the OW will make you react, so guard yourself and if he calls you for a reason, keep the discussion brief, tot the point, upbeat and light and get off the phone do not call him I would not share how You really FEEl at this point..it will only drive him further away and remember why he left b/c we didnt Get them.. peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
If the opportunity arrives again for me to speak with xh, and it will probably be on the phone, how should I act? Should he ask to speak with you, unless someone has died, I would decline. You're not in control enough. And under NO circumstances should YOU call HIM.
Since we are divorced already can I voice my opinion when he says something mean or negative? Sure, you can do that. If you want to continue giving him reasons to hate you. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". I honestly do not think you should be on the phone with him or in his presence though so this shouldn't even happen... When he starts with the "how I am doing things differently this time", should I tell him exactly how I feel or should I try and validate and be nice. In other words try to be happy for him. We are already divorced so tell me why I can not just tell him what I think about him? 1) Because he doesn't give a damn and 2) because although it might make you feel better for a moment, ultimately you're only going to feel worse. And you're also going to come off like a bitter, jilted ex. Why give him and his girl the pleasure??? It is just pointless to waste your breath.
In a nutshell, my opinion is that you should not talk to him or about him to anyone. Save it all for here. The town you live in is too damn small and there are just too many gossips.
peacetoday I do not think he will ever want to come back by the way he is acting and truthfully I wouldnt want him back like he is. So why do I need to guard myself around him if he is not coming home? And peace, he says he left because of stress and he became unhappy. We were having a hard time with money and unhappy with our home, couldnt make any decisions, we were stuck, and on top that he lost his job. He was unhappy with all this, and he tried to make himself happy here but couldnt, he said he couldnt lead me on anymore. It really wasnt me, I dont think by what he said, that made him unhappy, but he doesnt realize that. He left, thinking he could be happy away from us, and thus wanted to erase all his past. I didnt go away and I pressured him and that made him even more miserable. (I hadnt found this site yet). He started drinking and going out, he tried to find someone that would make him happy and he thinks he finally has. He has lived with her for awhile and maybe he is not "happy enough" so now he is going to marry her. Maybe he thinks this will make him happy? I dont know. He says he cant help how he feels, so maybe he really loves her and is scared of losing her. OR maybe he is still unhappy and thinks if he marrys her and thus is married again, he will be happy. Either way he is trying to create a new life because of his unhappiness. BUT I cannot wait forever on him to change or not change his mind. So this is why I think, he aint coming home, so why do I need to be quiet and let him tell me how happy he is. I am angry with him and I want to get over this anger so bad.
Who here is NOT willing to see anyone while leaving the door open? Does everyone here just keep their mouth shut no matter what they say? Well the divorced ones anyway. Also who in MLC is already divorced besides me?
Renee, Where did you get your crystal ball? No one knows for sure if your h will return or not. My question to you is this....do you want the last thoughts he has at night to be of you in an angry state or one that is pleasant and maybe, just maybe he will second guess himself down the road? Do you want him to see you as the person he fell in love w/many years ago or as a bitter, angry shrew?
For one thing, the divorce is final, over and done with. The anger you are feeling could be put to better use in helping to drive your bus to do something different, anything different in your life. Use that anger to clean your house, take a walk, do the chores/errands that you've put off and yes, even help you w/finding another job. The anger you have now will not help the situation between you and your xh...it will only harm it. You have been attempting to get him to help you w/your son and to help you around your home...if you use that anger in a negative way towards him, I can guarantee you that he will not want to come around you, hear you, or have anything to do w/you for a very, very long time. Is that what you want?
I learned a long time ago how to phrase what I needed to say to my xh. I stand my ground on his antics, but you know what? I do not say anything in a fit of anger. Anger gets you no where in life. Learn to use the power of words in a better, softer way. Actions always speak louder than words.
It doesn't matter who is divorced here and posting to you. The posters have all given you excellent advice. It is up to you to determine whether or not you wish to listen and choose what advice to take. My advice would be to cool your jets, move on w/your life, find a way to soften your words and speak w/actions. Focus on you and your children and leave your xh totally alone to screw up his own life. When you leave them alone, move on w/your life and really start to enjoy life again, that's when they will notice the changes in you and may even want to be a part of your family once again. No one wants to be around a bitter, angry and unhappy person. Shed those traits and start looking at life in a different way....there is always a silver lining in every cloud....find it and start looking for things to smile about. This is YOUR time to rediscover yourself and do the things that you've not had time to do in many years. Make a list and start checking them off.
Again, allow God to work on your xh and drive h is bus for him. You have your own bus to drive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
S The anger you feel has to be dealt with by you..and maybe a good therapist some of this anger is at your H and justified for his behavior some of it is yours and not connected to your XH ONly you will be able to figure out where it comes from and heal it telling your XH off will not relieve it and will make you feel worse we detach from them to heal ourselves our journey is a long one as well we can use this time to heal, grieve, change and them we will be happier than ever before that is what happened to me I got me..I am happier than ever before even in my M my XH and I are freinds//we co parent I do not want him back anymore I have healed thru this journey and I used therapy as a tool for me these past years it helps my advice to you is put your XH on a shelf and seek therapy for you I know it i harrd in the beginning to let H go but therapy, and as snodderly said use the anger to move on your XH will notice the changes,,but first you have to make thise changes alanon also an excellent program very similar to DB and there you can meet women and learn to detach peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sun, About one of the questions that you asked. It was something like, do you just have to be quiet and listen to how happy he is with his new life. Who is telling you about his happiness? Him? You do not HAVE to listen to anything. You do not have to speak to, or listen to anything he says. Either 1. do not talk to him. I think this is best for you. or 2. If you do, and he bring up his new life, happiness, etc. polietly end the convo. My h got rude with me a couple of times on the phone about different stuff and I ended it and told him I would talk to him when he could be respectful. The difference is though that he is calling ME, and is regreting his choices we made and is wanting to hang on. I think that's why he's being nice. If I were in your shoes, I would not have contact. I think mine knows that I am pretty much done with him and his nonsense, and it's the whole want what he can't have type thing.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
