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I'll second that. It is extremely difficult to do, especially when they are sending mixed signals. And I hear you, I miss mine as well.

It's a hard thing, living like this. Not knowing, hoping, etc. All we can do is work on ourselves, read and learn, and DB to the best of our ability. I'm hopeful, and I'm committed to my wife and our marriage no matter what. It's a damn shame that I had my head so far up my a** for so long, when I had a great wife who truly loved me.

Keep it up!



Amen to that!

It is all a matter of perspective, too. Don't forget that you didn't screw your M up all by yourself. I think we LBSs get it drilled into us that it was all our fault the marriage is falling apart. This is almost always complete hogwash. We are not completely to blame for the breakdown of our marriages. Regardless of how much fault lies with us, it does not excuse walking away, having an affair, and/or throwing out their marital commitments and vows as well.

Do not beat yourself up over your perceived failures and weaknesses too much. We all make mistakes and we were all less-than-perfect husbands and fathers. That is why we are DB'ing now: because we want to be better! The sooner we can let the past go as a bygone, and look toward a better future, the sooner our spouses will come to their senses!

Also, when you do get the reconciliation phase, be thinking about the changes that you want to see in your Sp. Was (s)he perfect in all respects? Absolutely not! There are probably a ton of things that you would want to see them change, too. Don't lose sight of the fact that they need to grow and improve through this process as well. If they are basically the same, and we are some much better, more attentive, and more loving, don't we have the right to expect some improvements i our Sp too?

Keep your chins up and don't be so down on yourselves. It IS easier said than done, I know it! But, it is possible and it is the easier road for us to go forward!

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start!

Had an episode today that I need to talk about, but I am at work at the moment. I did want to thank everyone for the kind words and for the advice. I need all that I can get. I want to ask something. What does it mean when you ask a spouse to take away your hope and tell you that they want a divorce and they won't do it? He says he knows that he doesn't want to be with me right now, but that he can't say he wants a divorce and never wants to be with me. He says he doesn't feel right asking me to wait for him for however long it takes him to decide. He then goes on to list could be a year, two years, or five years as he doesn't really know. He is enjoying doing things for himself and not being responsible. Still so much I have to tell you all about, but this was something I needed to hear back on. I begged him and cried and pleaded with him to tell me that he doesn't ever want me back and he can't do that. Can only say he doesn't want me right now. HELP!!!!! I got my book today and will be reading it as I can. I offered to let him read it in a hysterical kind of way and had to apologize. I just want him to know where I am coming from. Anywho, got to get back to work. I'll post to more threads on Wednesday when I am not working. Oh forgot to mention, I do have my appointment to get my hair done on Wednesday. I'm going shorter and blonde and gold highlights. He loved me blonde! I actually feel happier when I am blonde. Also going to go check out the gym close to the house. See you all in the am when I post about our conversation. Until then, I wish you all peace!

No one but your H knows for sure what he means. Maybe that he isn't sure. Maybe that he doesn't want to hurt you. But right now is not the right time for you to beg, cry and plead with him!

Just step back for awhile, read the book (glad you got it today), and try some of the techniques. Start a journal so you can record what you try, and what works and what doesn't. And don't show the book to H - it's your secret weapon!

I can relate so much to your struggle... I am thinking and praying for you. We have to be patient, more than ever before, I think you need to give H the space he asked for. Take care of yourself, get that haircut & color, and join that gym. These are the things you can control!

Thanks for your input mnt. I want to clarify something though. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me any more than he already has. I told him that nothing he could say would hurt me any more. That this limbo was killing me and I would rather he tell me that he wanted a divorce and that there was no hope. He said he couldn't tell me that. I told him that I would not be texting him, calling him, emailing, or contacting him and that if he needed anything he knew where I was and how to get in touch with me. He transfered his cell phone number into his name so now that means I can't check his call record. Which is actually a relief to me. I felt like a stalker. I am even contemplating taking a longer route to work and bringing the kids to school to stay away from where he lives. It's inconvenient, but maybe if I don't see his truck or not see his truck it will be easier to let it lie. He says that he is scared of me. I asked him what that meant and he said that he is scared he will say something and that I will blow up and be mad. I realize this is a 180 that I need to work on. I've always told him though that even if he told me something and I did get mad I would get over it, but it was better that he tell me what he is thinking than keep it to himself and me believe it is something else entirely. Sadly he pretty much admitted that if we had started counseling back when he started talking to my friend that we probably wouldn't be where we are today. That hurts. Anywho, I am going to do what I can for myself and my kids and move on. It's all I can do. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do and to be honest I am tired of trying so damn hard to convince him that he does want to try. Hopefully he will figure it out on his own, but if he doesn't I will get through this. I have been through worse.

I am having the worst possible time of this. I wonder how many people crash and burn because they can't do a simple 180 and they continue to do everything that everyone tells them not to? UGH!

I have so many questions and sadly I have come to realize that my H is not going to be able to answer them because even he doesn't know. It's one thing one minute and something else entirely. I just know that I can't keep trying to figure out what it is I did wrong to fix it because I can't fix the past. I can only use the things that he has said and the things I have been able to figure out about myself to become the best possible me I can be. I'm sick and tired of second guessing and defending myself. I can no longer do this.

I did something today for valid and not so valid reasons. I went and got my hair done. I got it cut and lots of color put in it. It made me happy because I was doing something for me, but also I wanted to get some validation from my H. I used the excuse that I needed to take his mail to him in order to accomplish this. I was a giddy schoolgirl not sure what to say or how to act. Not at all like the person I am. I knocked on the door and he finally answered it. There I stood with my awesome hair, in my solid black scrubs that make me look thinner, with my lipstick on, and I had absolutely no self esteem or self confidence. I guess I was expecting him to say, "Oh wow! You have changed. I want to come home". Who in the hell was I kidding? We did a little small talk about the key to the storage and the dog and I started to walk off. He asked me if I was alright. I told him that I was tired and that I hadn't been home yet from work as I almost plowed into my car trying to run away like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs. He then told me my hair looked really nice. I sort of smiled, thanked him, and stammered on about how I had gone to see Emily(hairdresser) and how I hadn't seen her in over a year. Hopped into my car expecting him to run after me so he could run his hands through my hair (he used to love when I went to get my hair cut. He loves the smell of the salon that is in your hair afterwards). He just walked back in to the gym and never looked back.

I know everyone says this gets easier. I'm looking forward to it. I got my book and read it. I just feel so overwhelmed. I have so much on my plate and can't concentrate on one thing. I am trying to get a life and trying to act as if. Truth be told though, I would rather stick my head in the sand. I know I have to keep pushing forward because I am the creator of my happiness, but it is so difficult to pretend so hard. I've always talked about faking it until you make it and have been able to practice it on a daily basis in regard to some things. This is proving to be very difficult for me.

I talked to a friend of mine about why Dan could not take my hope away. He seems to believe that it's because he wants to keep me as backup in case things fail. I don't want to think that I would allow that to happen. I do not ever want my marriage back the way it was. I was unhappy myself with how our relationship was. I just never changed my own reactions. His leaving was definitely hard, but I am coming to realize it was a necessary evil because we would have gone on in a relationship that was hurting the both of us. I should thank him for being man enough to put a stop to it. I just felt like I was putting up with his [censored] and he was putting up with mine. Having resentments and a lack of respect for your partner is no way to live.

I am growing and changing, but I am clinging so tightly to what we had and my belief that because of that we could have something better if we both wanted it bad enough. He's told me that he doesn't want that. Guess I need to fix me as my name states.

You're experiencing the same emotions that we all experience. It's a hard thing. It's counter-intuitive...to do the things that our brains tell us to do instead of doing the things that our hearts tell us to do. But we've got to do it! If you do something for you, like getting your hair done, then do it for YOU. Your WAS isn't going to give you what you want...not right now anyway. Forget it. They are 'out there' and they aren't thinking about anybody but themselves. I'm not knocking them for it...it's just a fact! They are 'in the fog'. They think they know what they want...but they don't. They are confused. All they know is that they didn't want to be in that relationship...the way that it was...anymore. We've got to work on ourselves...we've got to become better people, better parents, and better spouses. Just know this...it ain't over...not by a long shot! Our emotions get the best of us often, and we feel despair. We all know what you're feeling, because we feel/have felt the same way as you. Stay here and read and learn and talk to others. You'll get a new perspective.

Thanks for the inspiring words antlers. I appreciate them immensely. I'm trying so hard. I'm still new at all of this and am still finding it extremely confusing. I've read the book and to be honest I really feel as if I need someone to walk me through this. I want to change me. I want to a better me. I am just finding it difficult to figure out what I need to do. I am not getting the whole 180 thing. I don't know for sure what acting as if is. Am I supposed to just leave him be and not talk to him period? Please help me.