I like the way you hold your own with her. The point of DBing, as I see it, is to still be around when the affair is over. I'm all about children's lit, so forgive the analogy, but to me it is the Peter Pan story.
Peter is irresistable, and Wendy goes off with him. But, Peter is Peter and he won't grow up and he won't settle down, and finally Wendy wants to go home. Years later, Peter comes back. Wendy is a mother, and Peter sees her daughter Jane asleep in the bed. Jane wants to go off with Peter. Wendy is torn, she has to let Jane go, but she keeps the window open for her to return. Because she knows the story of Peter Pan, and she knows Never Neverland is not really as wonderful as it looks from a distance. And the magic does end, Jane won't be able to live there either.
1. W brought sex up umprompted a couple times. Not "do you want to have sex?" Or "what if we had sex?" But sex talk nonetheless. She pointed out that she was dissatisfied with our sex life for a number of years and my role in it particularly (ouch). My reply, "Information that would have been useful to have had, say, over the past couple years. Do you think I didn't WANT you to be satisfied?"
She then -- again, unprompted -- said she understood that she, too, had been disappointING in the bed department over the past few years. Now I would have been ready to write this off as feeling sorry for herself, but it is the FIRST time she has ever acknowledged such a thing.
2. A couple iterations of "I don't know what's going to happen between us, but it can't happen until I can be alone for awhile and deal with all the issues in my head." Now ordinarily I would write that off as so much, "Keep waiting and maybe something will happen, or not, but believing it might make you cooperative."
BUT that's the first time she ever acknowledged she has "issues". In fact, just a month ago in MC #1 she vehemently denied any such thing. So I'll take that as a victory -- at least she recognizes a role in all of this.
Okay, if more come to mind I'll post them tomorrow.
1. "I wonder if we'll ever get to a place where we'll be able to laugh together like we used to. I miss that so much." Me too. But again, I honestly can't predict. "But that's something you want, right?" [Using her words back at her] I wouldn't be closed off to it if it happened.
2. "I was nervous about today, but it's been nice. I hope this is a first step towards something." I'm glad to hear you think so.
Now I have to back off a long way (per DB Coach). If W feels like she's weakening or losing the ability to control the train, the sitch will regress. So going dim for 24-48 to let her process. "Fortunately" she has a meeting today to put in a bid on new house and will have to make up some work this weekend due to playing hooky yesterday. I'll brighten up again for the kids' egg-and-chocky hunt on Sunday.
I've got to GAL today on work and not play (for a sad change). Which will be hard, since the kids are home from school. Yay wireless!
After The Outing yesterday, WAW went to a meeting with her realtor to bid on her new house. She called from the coffee shop saying she'd be back around dinner-time, but I didn't have to worry about feeding her.
Don't be silly. I'm fixing dinner right now. Come back and you can eat with the kids and me -- they'll like it.
So we did.
And that was fine. The day wound down, I fiddled awhile in my office, and then to sleep.
This a.m., WAW came back to the house from her morning workout, went upstairs to shower, came downstairs afterwards, and immediately tried to engage me in conversation.
Being dim, I played it all a bit cagey -- fortunately I was preparing kids' breakfast, so there was an excuse for being "distracted."
Then took coffee and went into other room where computer was. WAW followed me, sat down nearby, and started crowing about what a good deal Walk Away Realtor was trying to negotiate for her on New House.
Okay, so now I'm trapped. I clearly can't NOT respond in some way. Well that's great. Less money is always better than more money.
Then some more on the subject.
Then to sex, again. Have I seen the funny Cougar Barbie video on YouTube? No. I always used to think that I'd start being a cougar, but now I'm not sure. Maybe for a night, but --
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to answer this [non-existent] e-mail right now.
Oh. Sorry (she said with a sneer). I'm going to work. Then I'm stopping by the house to see what it looks like at night.
Drive safely.
I'm fine with the idea of getting along -- at a minimum it's better for the kids -- but I'm not going to be turned into her girlfriend or the equivalent of a gay friend. Or am I being unreasonable?
I don't think so at all...perhaps she's looking to you to offer some kind of emotional support here for a decision or actions which clearly you don't want but she does...or thinks she does...
Its a tough set of circumstances to navigate your way through - offering "yourself" under some circumstances and not in others...but by doing so you are enforcing your boundaries without having to articulate them. Although when boundaries are spoken they seem to carry more force, by not doing so you are leaving space for your W to process them and perhaps in the long run that will create more room for thought on her part - there's less reason for her to consolidate her thought process and more room for doubt - so I think "good job!"
@sara is right. WAW is obviously not DBing because she's too enthusiastic today. Ran into a former mentee of mine who recognized her and saud a number of very positive things about me. WAW reported via email how pleased she was to tell Mentee that it was nice to hear nice things about "my ex."
Ouch.
But I should have expected this. DB Coach said she'd need to reassert control over the dynamic if The Outing was basically successful.
Still, sorta depressing. Almost makes me regret the whole day. Feel like I'm back in post-D-bomb days. Falling w/o a net.
GFI, you're right of course. I'm solid intellectually on the concepts. But the fact that she's running with it, and sticking the fork in verbally, is hard to take. She's not being deliberately cruel I don't think -- she's just taking too much away from The Outing. "Wonder what it will be like to have sex with someone else?" That sort of thing. Really, I don't know what to think about that. And I don't think it's unreasonable that I feel that way.
Sheesh.
But she's acting "as if" -- as if we're buds, hardee-har-har.
And that puts me back in that same terrible black hole feeling I had in February. Bugger.
