Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Father Alone

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive been reading a lot on these forums.

Its nice to know that im not so alone. Let me tell you a little about me and my story...

Im coming up on two months seperated from my wife of 2 years. We have been together over 7, and we have 1 child together, plus her 2 and i have one other from a previous relationship. We are kid rich.
About a year ago i was running a bar, working a full time job and taking care of the house. While i was working at the bar i met another woman. Now i didnt act on the feelings at first, I actually tried to leave my wife before i started this new relationship. I thought that i had fallen in love with this other woman. The truth was she and i were great friends and i confused that for love feelings.
I left my wife and started seeing this other woman. It took me a couple of weeks before i realized that what i was doing was wrong. So i left the other woman and stayed on my own for awhile.
My wife and i started talking on the phone again and she wanted me to come home, i told her that i would agree to that if we could set aside some time to talk to each other and try to connect again. She agreed and i went home.
I was there for maybe two months, and she started having second thoughts. I didnt pick up on this at first, we were talking about moving to a new city for a fresh start.
The plan was that i was going to go ahead with our youngest daughter and get 'set up'. I was gone for two days and she told me that she wanted a divorce. I of course flew of the handle at this and chased her for almost a month, I finally decided to back off and give her some space, just this past week she started calling me again for little things. I decided to call her today just for a quick chat and she was acting distant again. I really dont know what to make of everything, she hasnt been a very good mother, she would rather ditch the kids and go out 4 nights a week bar hopping, which has been a major hot topic for us, since ive had my fill of bars after running one.
I know that i made a mistake seeing that other woman, and she really doesnt Have to talk to me after that. There is so much more to our story, this past year has been very difficult. I want to try and save the marriage if i can, I would like to know where she and i stand but i hate to ask her anything in fear of her blowing up. At this point i could let go and move on, i have our daughter still, she doesnt seem to want anything to do with her other then the lip service she gives me on why she cant pick her up,

These are very confusing times for me, but thats it in a nutshell. Hope you guys dont mind me venting here.

-MLB

MLB,

You have one thing on your side, your daughter. Keep loving her and don't stop. Be there for her, don't ever quit on your daughter.

Have you read the DB or DR books? If not, start reading and then read them again.

Keep posting too. Even if no one replies, we're reading and the posting/venting.

We're here for each other.

No i havent read the books yet, i think i should. My wife has dated 3 different guys since we left less then 3 months ago. Our anniversary is this sat. I would go far and do much to save our marriage. I know this new OM she is "talking" to, and he really has a screw loose. I dont understand what she is doing, she took our daughter for a visit after not seeing or talking to her for nearly two months and less then a week later she is ready to send her home.
Also she is trying to get rid of the other two children. Im truly in agony here, I cant sleep, i cant eat.
I just want to get my little one back home again, i dont want her mother to set the example on how she should act.
Thank you for your reply, i will get the book.

MLB

mlb,
Your W and mine are pretty much doing the same thing. Listen to Jag and get the book and start following it. It will save your sanity. Focus on the only thing that you can at this point and that is yourself and the kids.

Your W is all fogged out on the romance chemicals and she is not acting or thinking rationally. There is a way forward and there is a way back, but you need to detach from her (lovingly) and become the better man.

Lots of advice here on the boards on how to go about doing that, and of course, in the book. Browse around to some other folks' sitches and give them a read for what is working in their lives. Also, feel free to post in whatever thread makes sense. Ask questions, solicit advice and be a part of this community. Everyone here is in a similar place in their life. Come on here and vent, cry, or just learn.

Sorry you are here, but it is the right place for you to be right now.

I know im in the right place and ive been reading a lot of different posts here. I appreciate your replies, I feel like the whole world is moving against me, im in this new place where i dont know anyone. I am going to get the book and something to eat.

I just want to get my little girl home safe and sound. thank you

MLB

Ive been reading the DB book, Reading that and reading here is really helping me put things into perspective. Some of the strategies ive used, however i understand know that I need to change the way that i use them.

I did ask her to have lunch with me sat. when i pick up our daughter, i said nothing fancy, no divorce/marriage talk and she said maybe. I replied that i could live with that told her to have a good day and got off the phone.

The last time that i saw her was really awkward, So im going to pull myself together and just and just enjoy the time that i do get to see her.

After finding out about these OM, I have mixed feelings, i still love her very much, but at the same time im disgusted with her antics. Im not a very jealous guy, so i do believe i could live with it we were to reconcile.

My plan is to act as if i understand that she needs to find herself and not pressure her. Also im going to take up somethings that i stopped doing a while ago. I used to work out every day, write music, and work on my guitar playing.

I got to be way too serious towards the end of our relationship. I think working in that bar really put the strain on me, sheparding a room full of drunken people you need to be in complete control of the room. I think i let that spill over to my home life, I was so easy going and funny before.

Anyhow, i want to say again im glad that i found this site, i feel like i have some direction now. Its still hard, she is the last thing i think of at night and the first thing i think of in the morning, but im going to take steps to change that.

thanks-mlb

I had a nice talk with my W this morning, going over day to day stuff, nothing Heavy. Divorce came up, and i asked her to go to a counselor first with me before we did the divorce. She said no way, She wants to be on her own for awhile, and that she doesnt feel the same way about me anymore. I let her know that i was moving back into the area pretty soon, she didnt have much to say about that other then i couldnt stay at the house, eventough she isnt living there. She sounds pretty serious about the divorce but she hasnt even checked into a lawyer yet.
Am i some kind of fallback plan? Or do you think she means business?
I told her that we didnt have anything to lose by talking to a MC, i dont know what to think.

mlb,

I think it was ok to bring up the subject of MC once, but when she forcefully rejected it, that was the time to back off of that avenue. Continuing to bring up MC is just going to come across to her as pursuit, and that is not what you want to project right now.

Don't focus on what the WAW says, instead focus on what they do. She might say that she wants a divorce and that this M is finished and that there is no hope, but unless she goes to the L, she is still on the fence. There will be no 'grey' areas in here discourse. Everything, and I do mean everything, will be superlative and negative.

You deal with this by detaching and working on yourself. Loving detachment is crucial to retaining any of your sanity. This is also not something that is going to get resolved quickly. It will take time for your W to notice the changes, and longer for her to see that they aren't just transient.

If you bring up MC and she says NO, then let it go for now. You however, should go by yourself. It will do wonders for you and make sure the counselor believes in fighting for marriages, no matter how dark it looks.
My H will not go to MC either so I've dropped the subject entirely. I go by myself to a wonderful woman who has only supported me in my fight for my marriage.
My H had an EA which has been tough on me. And I'm not entirely sure he's done with it. I think he's done, but I cant' rule it out yet.
So I just go forward every day with our S. (H is a great dad, so that helps) and I'm GALing, and trying different 180's. I admit, the 180's SUCK, but they do have an impact.

Here's the quick and skinny as to where we are now, my H and I and we've been separated since November:

Yesterday, I finally I told him: "If there is not one part of you that believes in a new relationship, a new marriage with a new Rob and a new Ann, then say so. I'm out of your life forever. This great "not married" life you are so sure is out there, go get it. I'm not hanging around while you find yourself."

His response: "IF the ball buster, the lawyer and the investigator can go away, then maybe, maybe we have a chance."

I said "Great. I'm leaving."

He stood up and gave me a big kiss and hug. I asked, "Was that so hard?"

But really, R talks are and should be discouraged. I won't be talking about the R for a very very very long time now. I got something I can work with, so now I will continue my GALing, detaching as much as I can with our S between us and doing my 180's.

You can save this thing.



So who knows? We had a great night--he came over for dinner at Ed and Carol's and he joked, "I like you better when you aren't talking!" I said "OMG!! I was just about to say the same thing to you!"



We'll see. I just don't know what to think. So I think I'm taking a break here with the thinking.

Well after reading the DB book a second time, i really put some effort into what i was doing, moping, watching the phone, crying im sure you all know. Well, it hit me like a ton of bricks, i lived a pretty happy succesful life before i got married, i realized that i could live without her. My mood has lifted right away. I mean i still feel the pangs of sadness but i refuse to let that define my life now. She hasnt looked into divorce at all, not a lawyer nothing. Now she let slip some info this afternoon when i talked to her. Her family is very much against us reconciling, especially her dad, who she would do anything for. She mistook what we were discussing as R talk, so i levelled things out by saying "what was is now gone, and im ok with it." I also let her know that i HAVE looked into the D, and that i have my attourney on standby.

I think saving my marriage is the wrong phrase, i want a do over, because we had gotten so stagnant in our lives and routines.

Im sure i still have some rough days ahead, but im in control of me again.

I was teasing her a little bit playfully and she was responsive to it. Also she asked me to call the phone co to push the due date back on the bill, maybe a mistake but i told her i would if she would go on a date with me, she said maybe..

I think you are right portland dad, she is on the fence. She has a lot to consider, and i do want her to find herself again. Her family though.. they are tough.

thanks again everyone, this is a brilliant resource.