Here's what I intend to do - while it's not the voice of experience it's a position I feel I can live with long into the future. Maybe it will give you some insight into your decision.
I wish my wife happiness in whatever she does. I will respect her and remain her friend. But I will draw firm boundaries if she wants to remain married or become separated.
I will not be a doormat and move out of my house, away from my children, so her best friend can move in rent-free. If she wishes to separate for time to think and be alone - fine. But that shall be her action and her choice. She will not bully me out of the house.
If she wishes to start seeing other people - fine. But that shall be her action and her choice. I will express that I don't believe these actions belong in a marriage or separation. If will tell her that if her intent for the separation is simply to date others and try out new relationships then it is nothing more than a facade and she should consider that and just move on. stuck808 is right - using someone as a "backup" shows little respect for him/her, the marriage, and the family involved.
I don't have the answer on the divorce thing - my situation and position may indeed lead to it. However I will make my words known. I will be firm and fair. While these might not be the words she wants to hear now, I will have the respect of myself, my family, and maybe one day even her.
peace, fairness, kindness
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm curious as to how much -- if any -- you all would change your advice here if the marriage were effectively dead, by mutual consent. In other words, two parties agree that it's not working, they've tried everything they can do, and they agree to either separate or divorce, but it' takes awhile in their state. One spouse wants to date -- probably while the two spouses still even live in the same house, but with some "rules" -- while the other says "we're still married; you can wait a few months."
To that person I would say: I am sorry. If you both have tried I don't see much more you can do. However out of respect for what you have meant(and probably still do mean) to each other, hold off on dating of any kind until it is official.
I would tell your friend that you are there for him/her if they need you and will do what you can to help.
I know you are that kind of person and I am sure that is what you would do.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm curious as to how much -- if any -- you all would change your advice here if the marriage were effectively dead, by mutual consent. In other words, two parties agree that it's not working, they've tried everything they can do, and they agree to either separate or divorce, but it' takes awhile in their state. One spouse wants to date -- probably while the two spouses still even live in the same house, but with some "rules" -- while the other says "we're still married; you can wait a few months."
I have a friend in this exact same situation.
Puppy
Based on my prior M, after my D my xW wanted to come hang out at the house all the time, but seemed happy we were D. The first time I had a date post-D she burned up my cell phone screaming at me, then showed up half-naked on my doorstep crying to take her back.
I guess the moral is, you never know what kind of effect sharing space with someone will have on the person who isn't dating.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
BLECH! Im a psychology major too, and extra marital affairs are DESTRUCTIVE behaviors that are OUTSIDE of expected social norms that cause PERSONAL DISTRESS... wow, relative infrequency is satisfied too, 4 out of 4 ding ding ding! We have a winner!
These are the criteria for distinguishing abnormal behavior, as you can see, her actions are NOT normal, and she should be able to see that herself. Why would she want to do this to you and your family? And how can you abide by it?
Last edited by bluerain; 04/10/0907:53 PM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Sorry, my previous post was just a little bit of me ranting and raving!
RR, I would follow michelles instructions as closely as you can... do 180's, Get a Life, set boundaries, these are all things that will help you to be a better, more healed person when all of this is over.
As far as divorcing now, because of what shes doing, only do it if that's what you want. Shes acting very strangely out there in bizzarro land, don't allow her bad behavior to change the fundamental good person you are. You don't base your actions on a 3 year old's temper tantrum do you? Even if she really doesn't want to brush her teeth, she still has too, right? Why would you do it for a crazy person?
I think that you should do the work until you cant do it anymore. Otherwise I think that you will be left with a nagging suspicion that if you had only tried one more thing, things could be different. It was really important to me that I didn't leave a single stone unturned.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I'm more with the let's wait a few months. My thing is what kind of person would date a married man or woman? And for example my D is taking a looong time and prob. a few more months and I'm just looking forward to getting healthier and happier until the D. So you can use that time; it's not like you're not living your life. Plus, I think I would have a hard time doing that, although I know some here do that. Plus, isn't that what they all say? The M is over so we can date? It isn't really over until it's really over though...but I can also understand it's a tough situation; so I'm supportive for whatever happens... Karen
