Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Permission to have affair?

Some background. According to her I was an ass about 3 years ago, moody and neglectful, she was never able to forgive me, and it cause her to not be "in love" with me anymore. She claims that the time away, plus dating will help her appreciate me more because she will be able to compare me to others. She feels this experience will help her regain feeling for me.

She claims all she wants to do is date, which we all know is BS.

As far as the trust thing, what does it matter if you know about the affair before or after it happens. Doesn't everyone affected by infidelity have to deal with regaining trust. Or are you saying that once someone has an affair that that's it, there is no chance for regaining trust? If that's the case then we can scrap this whole section of the DB website. The whole point of this section is to help people reconcile a relationship after an affair.

Dealing with adultery is one thing but actively allowing it - I agree with ILF -
Boundaries are needed.

My WAW wants a separation and has mentioned she intends to date and might even sleep with someone else (not sure if that last part was true or if she was just angry that evening). Her behavior certainly suggests she is ready to date - she hangs out with single and divorced friends, and texts like a crazy teenager.

Anyway, I've got other news to announce to her soon (I'm not moving out and leaving my house and kids) and I also intend to tell her I consider those actions unfaithful, unfair, and not part of marriage or even a separation.

I understand if she needs some alone time (separation) to think things through but if she just intends to use it as a bridge while she seeks another relationship then what am I sticking around for? I've always been faithful, a good dad, and I refuse to be dragged through the mud while she does comparison shopping.

Ok, I get it, don't actively let it happen. But what about Michelle's techniques, waiting for it to stop, and leaving without divorcing, are these not allowing it to happen? If you don't file for divorce are you not allowing it to happen and indicating it's something you will accept while still married?

How old is she now? Also, have you asked that she go to counseling because she feels this way? If for nothing else than for your child sake.

Half the post here are people dealing with on going affairs. What kind of "boundaries' are they really put up in these relationships if they are still married to them?

She is 33, we have been together for 16 years. I think she might be going thru the womens version of a Mid Life Crisis.

She is not interested in counseling. She says she knows what will fix her, she doesn't need to read any books or talk to a counselor. By the way, she is a psychology major. Go figure.

Part of the idea here is that you may learn from others...what worked and what didn't. Most of us came here after finding an affair already in progress and in my case he filed for divorce. I had hoped to stop the divorce, have him wake up.

Truly it is not for the faint of heart. Your marriage may or may not get "saved" but a really important side note is that you will save yourself. This whole mess can drag you deeper that one could imagine and if you aren't careful you can get lost there. Using DB helps you to stay the course, do what is right and get you to the best place for you to handle everything.

If I had a do-over in my marriage I would have taken a tougher stance and kicked him out. As it was I cried, begged, pleaded, guilted in the name of our marriage and family to no avail. Which would you choose calm, security or crazy chaos? I was the crazy chaos because I had slipped in this muck. But you don't have to. You can start out of the gate with a firm and pro-marriage stance.

kat

Still looking for an answer here. Follow Michelle's techniques or tell her fine you can see other people but we are divorcing first?

Rick, your wife said the exact thing mine did regarding counseling.
The affair I am currently dealing with I discovered 5 days ago. It took 2 days (or rather a year) to come to realize there was nothing I could do. I've tried for a year with some success after 6 months. something turned sour in her 2 months ago. Maybe she noticed #3. So I'm doing a 180. We are in the process of finding her a place. Exploring divorce. Dont get me wrong, this isnt a final chapter with her. I'm just taking care of me because so much effort had been put into saving the marriage. If at some point she wants to explore a relationship with me she can. Only after a period of time for me to heal and for her to reflect on her mistakes and not just mine.