Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Left behind after ten years

Well, after reading everyone else's story for a few weeks, I guess it's time for me to contribute!

The basic setup

My wife and I (both 32) have been married for about five and half years, together for four years before that. At the beginning of the year, she started getting more distant and started spending more time hanging out with younger friends from work, going out drinking up to 2, 3 in the morning (never ever happened before). She started crying regularly, and saying that she felt so anxious all the time and that she wasn't happy and didn't know why, and that she was so afraid of ruining everything. She started talking about how she felt she needed space, and then maybe a week after that talk started, she said she had to move out. Now she's been gone about three weeks, subletting the apt of a friend who's out of town for an extended period.

The discussions

Initially I pursued hard trying to get answers. I alternated between pleading and reasoning and then become bitter and then back to pleading and reasoning. What I hear from her is that she's terribly unhappy. She doesn't have a clear fix as to why she's unhappy, but she says that the pressure from me to be happier and have a good time is one thing driving her away. But when I said that I clearly remember so many good times, she doesn't deny it, but says that she doesn't feel any connection to the past anymore. She feels terrible, and she's lost a lot of weight and had a cold constantly these weeks and cries all the time because she feels she might be destroying everything that's good in her life, but she feels she has to do it and isn't clear why.

The other man

There is, of course, another man, a co-worker of hers. They've been flirtatious for these few months, but I guess I've been in denial, but a week or so into the separation I finally confronted her. She says she's attracted to him but hasn't done anything yet. He's very much the opposite of me (I think I can say honestly that he is a pretty awful person, even outside of this situation). She doesn't know why she's attracted to him, but can't stop it. Even she recognizes that this doesn't make sense. I think we both see this as a symptom of something else that's going on in her, and not the root cause.

I insisted that we could work through this, but that it was important that they stop seeing each other socially. I conceded that if they work together, what can you do? And if co-workers are going out together, again, maybe we can work with that. But just start with not seeing each other alone. She couldn't agree to that. She said that if she had to choose now, she'd choose to be alone, not with anyone, and she'd choose to not work on the marriage. But she doesn't want to choose now, because she feels she'd be making a terrible mistake.

I ended up backing off on any demands now, because I so desperately believe this can be solved, but maybe now is not the time to act.

The deeper background

We met in graduate school (isn't that romantic!) and had what I would have considered to be a happy comfortable relationship. We both work hard, her more than me, but we would try and spend time together on the weekends hiking or running or just walking around the city. Maybe we'd go out for dinner once in a while, admittedly not so often. Generally, not the most exciting couple, but I have to say that we were happy. Our friends would always marvel at how we "really had our lives in order".

About a year and half ago, we had a miscarriage in the second trimester. Along with that devastating loss, there were complications where her life became quite seriously at risk. We were in the hospital about a week before we could go home.

This was the year we were going to start trying again. In fact, we actively began that process, complete with buying testers and basal thermometers and charts and timing and all that. But then we stopped again, because she wanted to spend more time partying and drinking. Underlying all of this is an ongoing concern of hers around postponing her career to have a child.

Possible areas of conflict

I think (and boy have I spent a lot of time to think) that there are a few areas where I can identify myself as needing to change.

Need to GAL - I've always been more the nesting type than her, keeping things in order, getting home earlier, worrying about her and wanting to spend quiet hours at home. Basically, I think that I had so little else in my life, I was putting so much stock into us being together all the time. To me, I would have thought this was great, but now with the separation, I can see that to her this was suffocating. Basically, I work, I workout and run, and I ... well, that's it. So that's a lot of time to be waiting for her, thinking about her, and that leads to being impatient for her to come home earlier from work, waiting for her to want to spend more time with me on the weekends. So I need to GAL.

Processing emotions - Thanks to my IC, I understand that I'm much more of a solution oriented person (the annoying husband who responds to the wife's comments about a hard day at work by making up possible solutions to her problems, when what she really wants is just someone to listen!) She is someone who needs to process emotional content at a different time schedule. Generally, not a problem, but with something catastrophic like the miscarriage, suddenly things can split. I may have coped by actively deciding that I needed to by happier and move on and start again, when at the same time she's still processing the emotions on her time. Next thing there's a collision, and we're off the rails.

Where now?

She told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want any more emails or texts or calls from me for the time being. This is terribly hard, but I will respect that.

I am seeing an IC (this and reading DR are the best decisions I've made so far), and left her pleading that even if she can't commit to rejecting the OM and doesn't want to talk, at least do this one thing and see an IC. I am sure she is not in imminent danger, but she's definitely not physically well now, and this is continuing to slowly take a toll on her well being.

I am trying to GAL. Confided in some friends, we now go out more than we ever had. My hope is this will keep me from going crazy, and also make me a better person for the time if/when we get back together.

Well, this message has gone on way too long already. I'll close by saying that I was blown away reading everyone's stories and seeing how many common threads there are and how supportive everyone is.

I will add to your thread only a note to say hello and you are not alone. I am right there with you. I cannot offer advice as I am trying desperately to get it myself.

There are many great people that will help you. Listen to them and I will follow your story to see if I can gain from watching your journey.

Good luck.

Alone,

Your sitch sounds awfully familiar to mine. This is a great place to be and you will get some good advice here. I'm pretty new here so all I can tell you is to keep up with the GAL, keep a PMA whenever she is around, and don't pursue at all. I know it's hard...man do I know it's hard but believe me...it will get easier.

There is a poster named sandi2 and if you go through all her many posts you wil find a long list of dos and donts. If you are unable to find it, then find her and ask her to post it to you. She is often in newcomers.

Read what they say. BUT while there is anothe rman on the scene you attempts at fixing this right now are likely to be futile. I myself had an A and ofund my M and h lacking in everything only to change later on.

what made me change ?

As one poster put it

Once the dog ( H ) stopped chasing , i stopped running and then when he turned and walked back the other way , I followed. To late I could not catch him.

My take on this is that she has not gotten over the miscarriage and the risk to her life. She needs to see an IC and face her fears. She is running from something, probably a fear of pregnancy, but I'm not a psychologist. I suggest, if nothing else, that she read the book Eat, Pray, Love. It's not a self-help book. But there is a lot of wisdom in it.

Thanks for the kind thoughts. Before coming to these forums, I honestly thought that we were having some weirdly unique problems and that it would be hard to explain to anyone. Then I read all the posts and see that they're just all so similar (dcsquared-yours is one in particular!)

It's grim to think that so many of us are facing the same problem, but oddly comforting to see so many people sharing your problems.

Agreed that the pregnancy is a big issue. My IC is of course not willing to speculate too much on W's psychological issues without having direct info, but also suspects that W having essentially a neglectful mother during her childhood leading to doubts of her own competency as a new mother compounded with the miscarriage really took a toll on her.

I told W during our last (meaning the most recent, and hopefully also the last pre-DB) that I can understand being afraid of the pregnancy, being afraid of dying. Obviously I don't agree with that being a trigger to leave the M - we can work through this, make different choices and decisions without giving it all up - but I can understand the situation and the motivation to some extent. But tossing in OM, that I cannot understand.

Thanks for the rec - I'll look into the book. And thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Thanks for the advice. It means a lot to hear from the 'other side' and understand a bit.

I admit when I first read DR, I thought, this whole notion of not pursuing doesn't make sense! Is this all just some ploy to have some unique idea to sell books (sorry, but I have to be honest)? If I go dark on her, how will she know I love her, won't she think I'm being cruel or that I don't care? So, I chased, I called, I texted, I wrote big long emails, not even telling her how I felt so much as just sharing my day and what my plans were. When we had a talk this Sunday, she said this chase was horrible to her, she didn't want me chasing after her right now, and she doesn't want me telling her how much I missed her because of course she knew that, she cries every day and every night about it, and me telling her just makes her feel worse and less able to think clearly.

The horrible part of me wants to say, darn right you should feel bad, because you're the one doing this. The solution-oriented me says (now), okay, then I'll stop this non-helpful behavior.

Right out of the book and right out of these forums.

It is so crazy-counter-intuitive for the LBS and so very hard, but I see that creating this space and GAL makes a lot of sense now.

Thanks again.

Hey Alone,

Wow, your story takes me right back to the beginnings of my own. With the exception of the pregnancy issue, my W did everyhing yours is doing, and I did everything you are doing. Listen to what she and everyone else is saying to you: stop the persuit! That was the hardest thing for me to do. I wrote long letters, emails, texts, etc., etc. This is not at all helpful b/c, a) you do make her feel only worse, and even though she should feel bad, I think this makes her withdraw from you more, b/c right now she wants to feel good, b) this only makes you feel worse, b/c let me guess, you don't ever get the response you had hoped for. Am I right? Believe me, I never got the response I wanted. After writing heart wrenching letters expressing my love and devotion, all I ever got back was a "thank you, but this doesn't change the way I feel." The OM is huge part of this picture, but he is not the cause/root. There were likely issues in your marriage, but even more significantly than that, your W has some deep issues probably stemming from her childhood. I don't know if I would recommend going dark yet, but definitely stop the chase. I had to find ways to show my W that I love her w/out being lovey and mushy. This is hard to do but can be done. My W and I back together now. She came back to me almost 2 months ago after she realized that my love for her was unconditional. I don't know your thoughts on this, but I'm a Christian, and I will say that the one thing that got me through this most difficult time in my life was my faith in God. I prayed constantly for my W and for my marriage, and it is b/c of him that it was restored. That's not to say that things are perfect, but they are getting better daily. I work in NYC, let me know if you need to just have coffee w/someone who has recently gone through this. I really mean that. I was so alone when this happened to me that all I wanted at the time was someone to talk to. Just some background, my W and I had just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary when all of this happened. We just bought a house together. Things seemed to be going well and then bam! I'm 30, I work at a major NYC university and we live accross the Hudson. I would love to help in any way that I can. You can get through this. Believe that.

Let me know if you want my email address.

WP

Good luck. This is all well documented, very predictable, and frustrating as h*ll.

GAL

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