I'm familiar with the cold war. I married a guy who hates to talk. I'm a big talker. He can go forever without talking, prefers life that way. I just get angrier and angrier, until I am ready to explode. I took that weapon away from him. Now I refuse to engage in mutual silent treatment.
Gio is found at department stores. I think even Target has it. Cool Water by Davidoff is always a good choice. Also available at the better department stores.
I remember during our "times of trouble", when my husband asked me out on a date. A week in advance. We were going to the country club for a drink on a Sunday afternoon and a nice conversation. My darling daughter told me he probably wanted to apologize to me, maybe he would give me a gift because he was feeling guilty.
So we went. Lovely afternoon, sitting outside on the patio with golfers on the green. We each ordered a glass of wine. Then he started talking. He very calmly explained his point of view. How everything was my fault. How I was a horrible person. Can't really remember what he said, but the mouth just kept moving. I looked down at the table. I wanted a fork. I wanted to stab him with a fork. But they hadn't given us any silverware.
I started yelling at him. I called him names. All the golfers turned and looked. Some of our neighbors walked by and I took a moment out of cursing at him and said hello.
All in all I would have to say that when the emotions are raw, it's really hard to have a nice date.
Silence. Standing 2 feet apart, not looking @ each other, neither willing to breach the silence.
Act as if - her attitude, silence, anger whatever it is, will have no bearing on your happiness. Break the cycle, lead by example. What do you do in the Army? I spent 9 yrs in the AF, radar nav on B-52s. Graduated from The Citadel in '86 we had loads of Army pukes in my class. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Radar nav on BUFFs! Very cool. Real Cold War stuff, Coach! Right there at the bitter-sweet end.
I started out as an enlisted comms guy (RTO), went into PSYOP as a sergeant, after the 10-year point decided I'd like a bigger retirement check and stabbed the NCO Corps straight in the heart by becoming -- gasp -- an ossifer, promptly forgetting everything I ever knew about soldiering. Because my basic enlisted branch had been comms I became a Signal branch officer but stayed in the grey in PSYOP. Finished off as a regular comms officer staff weenie.
Crashed and burned. I hate this. I really, really hate this. If it weren't for the fact that DB'ing gives me a reason to come to these boards and engage with you fine people I'd throw in the towel right now. I'm fed up. I'm absolutely positively fed up.
She called from work, supremely pissed because her IT department found 7 different pieces of spyware on her laptop computer. Um, hello? How many times I have told you you don't practice safe computing?
But no. It was MY fault. It was all part of my master plan. Like in the Hitchcock movie where the guy tries to make his wife think she's going crazy. No, honestly, this is the analogy she uses. A Hitchcock film. Because I'm that clever I guess.
And we're off to the races. She unloaded. All of it. Everything that had built up. And I took it -- MOSTLY. And that "mostly" is the kicker, because we wound up having a real barn-burner.
But dammit, she said some things that were downright unfair -- really cheap shots -- and I had to draw a line.
You think I'm going to screw up the kids! In fact I do think divorce does screw kids up. What would YOU do?
I can't say what I would do if I were in your shoes. Because I'm not, so I can't imagine how it must feel to be you. Speaking only for me, my values, I don't think that I am free to make any decision I want. Why? Because of the kids. I think that factor means that I have fewer choices than I would if I were single or even married without children. But I'm not. Those are my beliefs.
FINE! I'll stay. And you're going to suffer in a loveless, sexless marriage while I gradually hate you more and more.
At that point I just started looking for an escape. You're angry, you're lashing out, I understand why. But please don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say I wanted that, I didn't say you should do that. You asked me what I would do, and I told you. I'm not judging you.
Oh you're judging! You're trying to trick me into staying and then trick me into marriage counseling -- for what? There's nothing there. There will NEVER be anything there. And more of the same until finally she agreed to stop the convo and to never speak about the R again.
And then promptly asked, What is it you want from me?
My reply: I don't want anything. Except to end this call.
And so it did.
It's like being right back at square one, right after the d-bomb. And why? Because she assumes the worst about me.
Oh crap.
UPDATED 5 minutes later:
And when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
W calls. We're still going out Thursday, right, because she wants to see what it's like to be with me just as a person.
Pass that .44 over here, will you? I want to clean it. No, no; I'm sure it's unloaded.....
I don't get the 'crash and burn' part of this, SP. I think you did ok for yourself. You sound like you were the one most in control and reasonable. She is out of balance ("FINE! I'll stay....And you're going to suffer..."). Angry. Grasping. Desparate to get you to give her permission to do what she wants ("Gosh, W...I hadn't thought of that. You'd better go then with my blessing b/c I sure don't want that kind of life.")
You stated a belief you hold. You validated ("I understand why.") You called her out on putting words in your mouth. You were fair.
I think you did fine. Do that a few more times in a row and she'll begin to see that you are a brick wall of integrity.
Cheers ~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I think she feels judged because she got busted on the computer with OM. Tell her why you did it and that you don't think the M has a chance while she is involved with someone else. Tell her what you know. Tell her you expect transparency in your R. Tell her you love her and won't share her. I think your plan just got clearer in the near term. Cheers ps You didn't have a mole in her IT dept?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes, she assumed that if there was spyware it must have come from me (along with 300-odd cookies...).
In re: @Coach, I'm not sure I can tell her those things. First, she doesn't want to hear them; second, don't those sort of bust the DB rule-book, so to speak?; third, she says quite plainly there IS no marriage. In fact, during the tirade, there was a couple "we're NOT a couple anymore!" declarations re: Signore Schmuckatelli.
