Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm feeling so discouraged

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm trying so hard to stick to what I've said I was going to do as far as DB'ing, but it's killing me. I have no idea what the heck is going on with him or what's running through his head. I don't understand any of this which is so hard for me. We used to share everything. I knew everything about his life and what he was thinking. Now I'm just an outsider. I have no idea if what I'm doing is even getting him to think about me, let alone if it's going to bring him home. I know, there are no guarantees and I can't control anything but myself and my life. This is just so completely out of my comfort zone. I'm trying to find joy in the little things and focus on my kids, but it's so hard some days.

I've been cleaning up my room and I came across a bunch of old pictures of us. Talk about heartbreaking. How can he say that all of those times were a lie? How can he say that he was just faking it? He looked really and truly happy in those pictures. Where is his mind that he doesn't remember that?

I don't know if any of what happened this weekend would be classified as baby steps. I was picking up the kids yesterday and he commented on my shoes and said I looked nice. Is that a baby step? He has the kids tomorrow while I'm at work and instead of saying ok he said see you in the morning. Is that a baby step? Can you tell how confused I am? lol

I keep telling myself that it's doing me no good trying to figure out what every little thing means and thinking about things that make me sad. I'm doing pretty good in general, but days like today seem to take all of that away.

You are right...trust me...I know. It'll drive you crazy. Sometimes it'll seem like you gained an inch, and then the next day it's gone, and you don't know if they took it back or you misinterpreted. So just don't even bother to do it cause it doens't even matter if you interpret correctly, it might not stay the same in the next hour.

I know just how you are feeling right now too. Sometimes I feel that I dont' know up from down, and its hard to focus on what I know I need to do.

Hang in there. I know its hard cause I feel the same. Sometimes I feel like I am doing good, and then the next minute I'll feel down.

The one thing that really is bothering me is how he doesn't ever have any food for the kids when they're over. I get that he wasn't expecting them to be there this week, but seriously how can he not at least have ramen noodles at his house? I've taken them food everytime they've been there but once. I don't want to do it because I feel like he's just taking advantage of my generosity, but the kids don't see him that often. I hate taking that away from them because he can't get his act straight. I'm the one doing all of the work though. He doesn't have a car or a license so I've ended up taking them there each time he's had them. He doesn't have a job and wasted all of his money so I've ended up feeding them while they're there too. This has to stop, but I don't know how to approach the topic without sounding like I'm coming down on him. The kids are also saying that he spends most of his time texting or on the computer when they're at his house (most likely he's texting the OW). I don't know how to approach that topic either without it coming across as a R talk or me prying about that part of his life. Any advice?

Meli,
You do have to set boundaries for your H; don't be the welcome mat that he can walk all over without any concerns. You are being too nice to him, IMO. He is an adult and a father. He has responsibilities, even though he is pretending that he doesn't right now. There are consequences for his actions, and right now you are shielding him from those consequences.

I think your sitch is a little different from the run-of-the-mill MLC and EA story given that he doesn't have the freedom to come and go as he pleases (the license and automobile problem), but that condition is also a consequence of his actions. You have to walk a fine line between ensuring that the needs of your kids are met, and that he feels the majority of the effects of his own actions.

As far as the food situation with the kids goes, when you round them up and take them over to visit, I would just pack them a lunch or a snack to take with them. That way, at least they will have something to eat if your H continues to be negligent in having food for them. I would also cut back on the number of times that you take the kids over to see him, because it doesn't sound like he is getting much out of having them there, and he certainly isn't taking care of them the way he should. The only people that are likely gaining much benefit is the kids, so I would cut them visits back to a frequency that the kids are ok with.

As far as the texting/e-mails goes, there is really nothing that you can do about that. You can set boundaries, though, and tell him that you think that it is inappropriate and inattentive of him to be on the computer all the time when the kids are there. You may even tell him that if he continues to ignore the kids when you bring them over that you will bring them over less often.

Loving detachment is the key.

Thanks Portland. I was thinking those same things, but wasn't sure how to phrase them. I'll have to find a good time to talk to him about it or possibly send him an email regarding the time the kids spend with him. I'll have to think about it some more.

The kids seemed to have a good time when they were over today. It was a nice day out so they got to play outside and made some new friends which is always nice. I talked to him briefly when I picked the kids up. He didn't seem to want to talk much and said he had a migraine. One thing I'm noticing is that he doesn't look me in the eye as much when we talk. I don't know if that means anything, it's just odd.

I don't really know if my limiting contact with him is having any affect. It's definitely a 180 for me since I was trying to keep in touch with him all of the time with texts and phone calls. Now I'm letting him initiate contact unless it has something to do with the kids. I don't see him very often so how do I tell if what I'm doing is working? He seems very guarded and closed off when I'm around him. There have been a few times when he seemed to have let his guard down. One was Friday night when we discussed me picking up the dog. He chatted with me about his parents instead of just ending the conversation with me agreeing to pick up the dog. The other was when he im'ed me and told me I looked hot during the course of the conversation. The last one was when I picked up the kids on Tuesday and he again complimented how I looked and seemed to enjoy our little conversation before I left. I think those would be baby steps? He's so confusing to me right now that I'm not sure if he's just being nice or if he's really noticing my changes.

I'll see him once more on Saturday when we do his family's annual egg hunt at his grandmother's house. It has the possibility of being awkward I think. My plan is to dress well and act as if it's just like any other year. I plan on telling them about going back to college and acting as if everything is going really well with my life. I want to portray the image of someone who is continuing with life and making the best out of my situation (which I am doing). I would love it if when I left they questioned his motives behind leaving me and that would cause him to really look at what he's doing. I'm not too sure how realistic that is, but I can hope!

Meli,

It sounds to me like you are having an effect on him. Not being able to make or keep eye contact is a sign that he is very uncomfortable. I would guess that he's feeling a lot of guilt and remorse right now. It sounds like when you aren't there physically, he can provide the compliments that he isn't able to give you when you are there.

Seriously, I think you are doing a bang-up job so far. You sound great and have absolutely the right attitude toward this whole thing. The only advice I can give is to not worry so much about what your H is thinking; qorrying too much about that will keep you on the roller-coaster and make you motion-sick. That isn't to say that you shouldn't take his temperature from time to time to see how your DB'ing efforts are working, but definitely don't stress over it. If it is visibly working: continue it. If it isn't: stop it. If you can' tell: continue and collect more info until you can.

Keep projecting the new, improved, and confident you to your H and your in-laws. Do more than just talk about how good you are doing, really show it, too. The way that you act, walk, laugh, etc. should also testify to how good you are doing.

It sounds like you've got a solid game plan for this weekend. I'll be crossing my fingers for you that it all goes to your plan.

Well today was strange. My sister and her fiancee are in town for the weekend. He texted me in the late afternoon asking what I was doing. I happened to be getting my hair done so I told him. He was like, oh why are there so many things in the back of the truck (he was in town helping a friend move). I had cleaned out some stuff and they were things that were going to be taken to Goodwill. So then he texts me why did you lie to me? Um, what did I lie about. He was like, well the truck's in the driveway why did you lie and say you were getting your hair done? So I had to explain that my sister had gotten a rental and we were using that. He was like, oh my fault. This is where it got weird. He asked me if I was ok and I was like yeah why. He says, well you're in a sunny mood today. So I told him being with my sister had put me in a really good mood. Then he says, you're supposed to be angry and bitter like me. I was like, well I'm not angry and bitter. I take each day as it comes and today is a really good day. He said something else and then was like ok I need to get back to helping my friend move have fun with your sister. Ok, have a good day. Then he texts how his back hurt since he had been moving his friend since 10am. I was like well at least it isn't raining. Then he tells me what he needs is a back rub and a beer. Yeah that would be nice. Then he asked me to come over and give him a back rub. I told him I couldn't because I was with my family and he was like just leave them. I was like, that would be rude I can't do that and left it at that.

Um, what the heck just happened there? He's barely talked to me since he left and all of a sudden when my sister is in town he wants to flirt and have a conversation? I'm thinking it could have been his way of seeing if what I would be willing to do for him. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I'll just see how he acts tomorrow.

Meli,

It doesn't sound so strange to me. Maybe I'm an optimist, but it sounds like you are making some in-roads with your H. I would chalk it up as a good day all-around. The fact that he was opening up to you and making a request of you is an encouraging sign, especially since not too long ago he was getting physically ill around you (or at least claimed that he was). I think that you made the right decision to put him off to spend time with your sister. He is definitely probing right now. Maybe he thinks that you are moving on and that is worrying him? That would explain his paranoia and thinking that you were lying to him. It would also explain his question why you aren't bitter and angry.

One thing you might have done would be offer him a rain-check on the back-rub and see what he said. It might be too late to do that effectively now, but if he asks for something in the future that you can't (or won't) do immediately, taking his temperature by promising it later might be a good. It shows that you are still open to doing things for him, but on your schedule, not necessarily his. If he truly wants to warm up to you physically, then he will remember the offer and take you up on it later, otherwise nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Hope you are having a nice weekend and things keep going well for you!

I had that same thing. I kind of didn't think about it much, but he didn't look at me, would look anywhere else really, for about 18 months. Just this past month, he's started looking at me in the eye and talking to me like a normal person, not so angry or distant.

I think trying to figure out what's in their head is a waste of time, and I wouldnt even want to know. My H told me when he started the affair, he was thinking things were way worse than they actually were. I guess they do that so they can feel less guilt maybe. So even if your H did tell you some stuff or that negative type of stuff, with time and perspective he may feel a bit differently down the road. My H also tried for a week or 2 to say he never loved me, but that's crap too. They all say that. Of course that's not true, and please don't even think that for a moment.

So focus on you, and yeah, I think you should enforce your boundaries too. Take care of your children by packing food or snacks with them, but don't be driving over to help parent when he's there. That's his job. And if he is neglectful, I would give him a warning too, but that's something that should make you cut down those visits. And keep track of that kind of stuff, take notes in case you ever need them in the future.

Karen

So the big family shindig is over and my sister and her fiancee went back home yesterday.

The family thing went ok. I got there first and didn't really notice when he walked through the door. I looked up with my new bangs and he looked at me and seemed to be trying to either suppress a smile or trying not to laugh at the new hairdo. He kind of gave me a weird head hug since I was sitting down and he was standing. We ate and I sat at a different table with his aunts and cousins while he sat with the kids. They asked me a bunch of questions about going back to school and work and said how proud they were of me. That was nice. He played catch with the kids and when he noticed I was watching with my sister he came over and stood with us. It seemed as though he was around me a lot that day just hovering. The kids did the egg hunt and we left shortly after that. I hugged everyone goodbye, but only said see ya to him since he didn't really acknowledge that I was leaving and I wasn't going to approach him for a hug first. I said it in a cheerful way and left it at that. There was one part where I kind of regressed and looked for him in the house when I should have just stayed outside with everyone else. He asked if I felt odd being there and told me that he had an issue with it at first because they were his family but that he quickly got over it. That kind of bugged me, but I brushed it off.

Easter Sunday he texted me and said Happy Easter and made a joke that if there were leftovers I could bring them over. I decided to be nice and took him a plate and to the store to buy some sheets for his new bed. I even picked them out for him. I totally went over there just as his friend and helped him with that mindset. I think I'm actually starting to detach because I helped him in the way that I would any other friend and didn't analyze anything that happened in the short time we were together. He asked for a hug this time which was nice.

I was pretty sad on Sunday. It was strange being at my mother's house with everyone there but him. It was weird on Saturday too because I was there with him but not really with him. It was our first family holiday separated and it made me sad to think that this is what it might be like from now on. I did the basket thing by myself and that was hard. It's funny how many little things you share and how much they mean to you. What's worse is not knowing that they were that important and meaningful when you had the chance to do them. I'm learning and seeing so many things that I wish I had noticed when he was home. I wonder if I'll ever be able to put this knowledge into use with him.