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Burt

Good advice. I have been doing my 180 for about a week and need to "watch" for results. I might give it another week and then just take a stand on the living arrangment. I want to save this marriage very badly for all the right reasons. One day at a time I guess.

Take more than a week if you see any beneficial changes in her, keep doing what works, and change things if it is not.

Burt

Did you read both those links? The answer to your question is in there. (especially in the second one)

Detaching is not giving up - it's actually quite the opposite. You can't get where you want to go without detaching. And detaching is a win-win for you. Either way your sitch goes, the detaching will get you to a better place in your life - with or without your spouse.

Read those posts. Don't just read the words - we have a habit of reading something and because we understand and comprehend the words we think we 'got it'. Believe me I know first hand and I even explained that in those posts. Detaching isn't an intellectual exercise....you have to get it into your bones!

I posted those so others hopefully could learn from my mistakes. I wrote out what I did wrong in hindsight. I wish I was where I am now when my sitch first started - I guarantee it would be in a different place all together.

One other thing - don't be fooled by the advice in those posts when you look at where my sitch is right now. I didn't create any of what I wrote, it's just a distillation of what was passed onto me by many great people here at these boards.

Burt - How is the in/out process for you and W working in the house? I just had someone give me that suggestion tonight. I had never thought of that. I guess it keeps the kids somewhat stable almost like I'm on a business trip?

Steady - I have read your posts and actually took notes. I believe you and I have a lot in common. I have taken several tips from your post, but still have a ways to go. I am GAL'ing as best I can. I cry a lot, but she does not see that, I hide it well.

Your post about "what detachement means to you" and the 3 things helps.

My problem is overthinking and worrying about the future. I want this to work; I really do, but she has changed and there is nothing I can do.

I feel like detaching is giving up and that is where I need to keep reading from the good people here. We spent the weekend painting and changing one of the bathrooms in the house. We had a good time, but there is no emotional conection. I have to believe there is no hope and detach, but it is hard. I always come back to "what if I can fix this?". If I detach "wrong" does it mess up my chance.

Clearly I have a ways to go on detaching. I read about your struggles with custody, child support, and such... I have the same fear. I do not want this, but I am going to pay a hefty price for something I am trying to fix. It just all out sucks. I love my children and it kills me knowing I will lose half of their lives and they will struggle. All the same I know I can make my time with them precious. I love them dearly.

More to come....

My Question to those with advice... (Burt - Steady)

I have changed "me" in all this over a short 3 month life shattering sitch. I have read 6 books. DB and DR, also 3 others on relationships and one on coping with kids and divorce. Sought counseling and medical help and attorney advice. Increased my physical activity and am in the best condition of my life... I look and feel good (and she notices). I KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG! I am a better person in all this and it shows with my interaction with my kids. They love me dearly and are very connected to me. I believe someday I will make a great husband to someone (maybe my W). My in-laws love me dearly and notice the effort I have put into myself and saving my family. They want this to work and are on my side.

I have identified the things in me I want to change, but she has not. She is hiding behind a wall and believes all her problems come from me. She has gone back and forth about the divorce. She thinks it will "solve" her problems, but deep down she believes it will not. Which I believe is why she waits.

So... advice is needed. I will not file for divorce and will not seek a new relationship until it's done. Am I being fair to myself in saying that? How long do I wait until I break? What if I break just as she is about to reconcile?

Also, how do I deal with her EA and getting that to stop which is clearly getting in the way? I know I cannot confront it and try to stop as that would be a death sentence. Do I just wait? She has a job interview today, which would help get her away from the OM at her current work. Do I just hold out hope for that and the distance will increase between that?

If I detach I show her "I am fine and will be fine, so you decide", but on the other hand how do I prove "I have changed and don't want a relationship to grow apart again"?

Bottom line... She told a friend this weekend "I want to try, but how do I know we will not grow apart again"? "How do I know he has changed permanently"?

I told her when the D-bomb dropped I will keep a journal and write in it everyday (this of course during the time I was begging, pleading... you know) so "we" never forget to take the time.

Cleary I need to learn how to “detach”, I get that, but more time/advice is needed.

Sorry - probably too many thoughts in one thread, but let's see what you all think...

Goingdownhill... I will share my experience with splitting the house.

For the kids it is good. They have consistency and have the same friends/routine and are less affected. Reality is if W files the Big - D... this is only temporary.

For me it is hard. I have to pack my stuff every Saturday and move. I feel like I do not have a home. Weeks in the house with kids I feel good and confident, but weeks away I am a mess. I am training for a bike race so I have to pack and move all my equipment (training machine, bike, gear... it sucks).

I come back to my house every other Sunday and it is a mess. I spend the entire day cleaning, laundry, dishes... I was very busy last week and left the house a mess for her (not intentionally). My fear is we are just creating problems and we would be better off with our own space.

I am staying with my sitch because I am a fool and believe I can fix it... But, I will not give up and will roll-up my sleeves and do all the hard work.

Goingdownhill, neither my wife or myself left the house, eventhough she wanted me to get out, I would not because she was the one unhappy and did not want to work on the mariage not me.

This was very important in my sitch because she could see all of my changes that I was making.

After 3 months I went to our mc today (my second time there) and she said I have been a perfect husband and how happy she was with the changes that I made in my life and in our life. The only thing holding her back is trusting me enough to know that these changes are lasting and not just a quick fix to go back how things were.

There is hope out there, just need to follow the playbook.

Burt

Burt is exactly right. I wish I had his strength right now. I have told myself I will keep my situation until May 1st and then tell her we need to try together in the house.

I will make one comment about noticing change. We have been separated for 3 months (just to note this came out of nowhere like a big bomb… one day life as usual… next day boom!) and I have done serious soul searching and making changes for “me”. We don’t spend much time together, but she commented to a friend this weekend that she can’t believe how I have changed. If you “change you to change your marriage” whether you are right next to each other or distant… they will notice… I read that somewhere… hmmmm

I just want to say I feel like me saying “I have changed” makes it look like it is all my fault, but it is not. We had a great marriage, but we got busy. We both earned several degrees in our 15 years together. My daughter competed at the state level in gymnastics and my son is very active in sports/friends. The only issue with my marriage is “WE” did not spend enough time together. Her fault and mine. But, I will change first, for me. Then maybe, just maybe she will come around.

Like Burt said… her fear is that the change is not permanent, to which I worry about her saying that. The reason is “Two” changes need to happen and she needs to be willing to go with me on this journey. Any advice from anyone on how to deal with that?

It was amazing to me that she noticed little things as well as the major overhauls. They are looking and taking notice. Do not be there to shove the changes in her face, and exclaim look how great I am, you do not have to, nor do you want that mindset.

As far as the living arrangements, that is up to you, but if I did not want to leave my own house I would not. I had my part in why my wife felt as though she needed to quit on me and the kids, but I'll be damned if I was going to help her quit the team.

As far as the May 1 deadline, I would not make one, if you see progress with her without the confrontation, then do not do it, if you see it backsliding or not going forward then I would do it now.

Thinking about you up there, remember that your change is for your part of the failed relationship, not hers, because you is all you can change.

Burt