Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Episode IV: A New Hope (?)

Hmm, guess I should have an even open'er' mind when I call talk to the boys tonight....

Mine:
"Gemini(5/21-6/21) Don't let your partner do anything to mess up your long-range plans. This may require you to spend some time talking together about it"

Hers:
"Virgo(8/23/-9/22) A hassle at home inerferes with your plans. Don't be surprised if tempers are short, including your own."

Not much to update.

Broke the silence after another night of the boys not calling me. Just sent her a quick text saying I was sorry I didn't get a chance to call to the boys, doing a lot of work. The intent was to just poke at the request I made to let them call for at least a few minutes a night, of which they say she always denies them access to the phone.

Surprisingly she did reply with just a casual "yeah, what are you doing?". Told her yard work mostly as when my cousin's H passed they went downhill in a hurry and we found some carpenter ants loitering in the shed area. No reply, but none the less, at least a casual interaction.

Spending a bit of time grappling with how we can co-exist on a "friend" basis as we'll have to for the remainder of our lives, even tho we'll be divorced from marriage, we WILL still be parents to our children. I'm just trying to come up with ways to extend that notion, but the kicker is, she still won't let go of the marital problems. Confusing. I'm at the juncture that she filed for divorce, she's been with OM now for 9 months (at least) and we should be done and over with. But no, at every opportunity when there's nothing left to talk about, she HAS to dive into it?

Don't get it, simply don't get it. I just know that someday down the line we will be that couple I see almost every night when I stop on my way home for a quick beer and bathroom break. I've referred to them several times in my threads as they had divorced years ago and now regret it as they chose new lives that just weren't the same. Well, she's made her choice. And I guess I've made mine. I answer to no-one (but my kids, but that's different) and I'm starting to like the single life.

I would just like to converse with her on a friends basis, I still get her medical claims and don't even care about the financial portion of it anymore, would just like to sit down for lunch or something and make sure she's ok, but I guess that will have to wait until after the D.

Common phrase lately: "everything happens for a reason".

Tuesday night my cousin came home complaining she twisted her ankle. Didn't look all that well so I prepped an ice bag and kept an eye on her all night. Wll, long story short, she caved and we went to the ER and the end result is a broken ankle and foot.

Since I had my "visitation" with the boys at night I texted STBX of the situation in case I might have been running late. Mesages went back and forth, surprisingly of care and concern, and not to worry about being on time.

Took boys bowling again, all that can be done until the weather is more "spring-like". There was a party there and all lanes were in use and delayed us 25 minutes. As 9pm (drop-off time) neared I called STBX and let her know that we were finishing up our last game and would be about 10 minutes late. Again, "don't worry, actually just drop them off by me".

I did. As boys were entering house I hear her ask "where's Dad?", so I poke my head around from my truck and say I'm right here (trying not to look at OM's car sitting there). She's leaning over the porch sill with this glow like a high-school girl looking for some sort of daily crush person? I just ask, you got the boys, she says yes (all cheery) and says thanks, I say thanks and head out.

Not more than 5 minutes later, she calls. Clarifies that her sister in law is not having twins as it was a April fools gag. I simply said oh, well I figured that. I then mentioned my concern of the night that S10 'ratted-out' S12 whom was supposed to have a fight with some kid after school today. She said, yeah, I heard something about that and I will say something to the teacher when I meet with her tomoorow. I ask meet, for what? She says, his anual evaluation that I do every year as normal. I say, oh, well this year it's not exactly normal and wish I would have known about it. She then said she'll let the school know to sen me copies of everything and to text her my address. (Umm hi, my address is on like 20 thousand court papers )

Anyway, I text it. She replies thanks. I calmly released my angst of not knowing and "sorry for being testy, really tired. But just to be clear, you and I are done with eachother, but will always be parents together". For some reason, this just either did not sink in, or once again all she's looking for is a fight, and I had to re-itereate the same message several different ways until it was finally good-nite.

So this morning she texts asking how my cousin is doing. I simply say she's ok. She then replies "good waht was up with your messages last night?" I explained several times there was no attitude or anything, no "deal" with anything. So again, I said I have an interest and a say where the kids are concerned and that will always be even tho we're over. This just rewinds the calander like 6 months back with comments like, "I didn't realize we were together or that you ever wanted to be" and the famed "how can we be together when you like me one day and hate me the next?".

Good lord, what part of it's over does she not understand? I even had to put it that bluntly! I seem to have gotten the "final word" in edgewise by saying "I didn't meant that negatively (we're over) and there's no sense in any hate or arguement. What's done is done, let's just make it the best for the kids."

I don't understand it. We're in the thick of a DIVORCE she initiated. SHE left me for and has been with someone else directly in front of our kids for 8 gosh darn months and yet still holds all this angst, all this need to argue and beat a dead horse that's been beaten so much a volture wouldn't even touch it, and yet now that I make it clearly known that I have no desire to pursue the matter of our marriage any further with her and torment myself any more bu doing so, SHE has an issue with that? And to have the nerve and dig up actions of months past as reason we can't be together, but if I fix that "maybe we could"? WTF?

Let me ask this, when the WAS rollercoaster ride is in progress, is the track so rough that there's a severe head trauma incurred? I mean for the love of god. Do you honestly mean me to tell me that several thousand dollars in to a court proceedings, our children pushed to the edge of their emotional limit, and in-law relations that will be forever shattered and NOW all the sudden, "hey, let's be buddies, let's converse civily and casually, don't you want me back?" all the while did I mention SHE STILL LIVES WITH ANOTHER MAN!?!?!

Court next Tuesday is shaping up to be a interesting day at best.

A sane evening last night.

STBX actually let the boys call me for the first time. i believe mostly so that S12 could rant about his "new" bike they got him. Seems to be a lot of showering of material things lately on that end of the spectrum. One more thing that I've done right all along, shower them with you, not gifts.

She'll be learning that tomorrow, she got on the phone and asked me about the parenting session, appears she has it tomorrow. Already has a negative tone about it, like it's some sort of inconvenience. She asked waht it was like, I said for me refreshing, for you it will be an experience. The negativity got going when she asked if she had to answer questions or participate in groups and I said yes.

It is my sincere hope that she goes in there with a open mind and listens to everything. This could very well be the epiphany for her to come to terms with how she's going about things. I don't necessarily care anymore she's with OM, I accept that. But now as always it's been how she has done it directly in front of the kids. They have enough on their plate with their family being torn apart. They have enough on their plate with the death of her mother a few years ago. They just simply have enough going on period. I just hope the experience tomorrow touches the person I once loved that is hiding deep inside her.

Obstacle one of the day already will be OM driving her there no doubt. She's letting me pick up the boys early as I guess no-one will be there after she & OM leave, so that's a nice thing.

When we spoke, no mention of the texts from previously in the day, especially odd seeing OM was right there and that's when she likes to become the most combative over issues and 'put on a show' for him.

Just odd overall, a lot of "changes" being displayed lately.

My latest epiphany came at the lips of the boys the other night. S10 said at dinner "Dad, I really wish our sister would have been born". The issue has always been tender with me as I always wanted a girl. I have decided that no matter the outcome of the custody issue, I will adopt. That's just a missing piece of me that I really think will put balance and harmony back into life. Instead of playing the dating game and all the jazz to try and find someone who I know will never replace the love of who was my wife and not make anyone live in that shadow, I should just redirect that energy to a needing child (in conjunction with my boys obviously). But it will give me a chance to correct some of the wrongs I have done and I strongly believe overall, bring balance.

"Gemini (May 21-June 21): 5. You may not feel like doing much of anything. You can sit back and watch and listen for a while."

Ever so true. Felt like junk all weekend. Still do, but now it's mostly due to extremely greesy pizza last night and perhaps a few too many celebratory brews after bowling.

Saturday with boys was good. We finished the day off by going to a movie and were running close on time for getting them back to STBX, so I called her and she said it's fine and to drop them off at "her" house. I did, and as I've done in the past few insances, I parked down the street a ways as a precaution. S12 wanted me to install a holder for his bike lock we picked up earlier in the day and I did. STBX came out and attempted small talk. However after taking one look at the way she was dressed, I opted to not make as much eye contact as possible.

Earlier in the day, S10 brought up the conversation about not wanting to have chose between us on who to live with. And as always, I told him, I know it's hard, but after Tuesday's (tomorrow's) court date, you guys should have your attorney to speak for you and evaluate who can provide the optimal up-bringing for you after the divorce is done. He continually asked for a specific date of when the divaorce would be done. I just told him it could all be over with on Tuesday if we could all get along, but so long as mom thinks you hsould be with her, and I think you should be with me, nobody knows when it will be over.

Anyway, S10 was showing me his bike he wants to tear apart and have me paint for him. When he took the bike back in the yard he was checking out a skateboard ramp STBX had picked upfor him at a garage sale, and OM was sitting there in the yard, barking at him not to jump on it, I left it at that an dstarted to leave. Then STBX appearreed from around the corner of the block, not sure where she went. However, her father took off from that direction earlier as well, weird.

The front yeard was pathetic, looked like snow was in the grass, but it was a 70 degree day, closer review revealed nothing but cigarette butts everywhere.

Just an update after taking a break from this.

Court on the 4/21 was pretty much a bust, STBX didn't show, her L almost didn't either. I now have everyother weekend visitations and my regular Wednesday nights in exchange for giving her support. Truth be known, I think i liked things the way they were before.

Oddity of that day, my L asked me "when exactly was the last time you rejected reconilliation?". I said,'excuse, I NEVER rejected that and she never offered'.

The game has now changed over and things don't look so good. Apparently now that the "he's suicicdal" card has lost it's value, they are now going with the "he's a drunk" card. My darling BIL and former 'renter' apparently have construed a tail of their own, up to and including a created photo of "my refridgerator" stocked full of alcohol and no food for the kids. Ummm, yeah, real cute guys, I not only fed my kids, but each one of you and your kids, I think the blade of your knives in my back may have pierced one of my lungs.

So, seeing that the everyone else has everything to gain by lying about me, I opt to rather not pursue this any further. In interest of preserving my dignity to the kids, and not turning this into a mud slinging contest, my L has been playing phone tag wither her L trying to make a settlement.

STBX continues to act stranger and stranger with each occurance. If she is having second thoughts NOW, you've got to be kidding?

Haven't heard from the kids since last Wednesday, kind of stinks. I am definately giving S10 my phone for his birthday so that I can keep in touch with them without having to go through her.

They're ever more upset about not wanting to move far away with her, all I can tell them, is that's for them to speak up on in court.

That is all I think.

Ohh man. So I texted STBX shortly after posting that, asking if the kids were ok and that it would be nice to hear from them every once in a while.

So, I'm almost home last night and my phone rings and it's her number (I don't use my cell while driving). So I get settled in when I get home and call. She answers. We have a nice conversation for all of 5 minutes in regards to a text I had sent last week to which she did not reply asking if I could do something for her for Mother's Day, response ultimately endedup being, "I'd love to, but we need to be friends first", ok, no biggie, just thought I'd ask.

As soon as that gets resolved, conversation nose dives as she goes right back in to the same old issues, yelling and screaming and beating the already dead horse further into the grave. I endured a half hour of this and only talked to one son for all of a few minutes.

Once again all is my fault, blah, blah, blah. Atleast somewhere in all her rhetoric I got upgraded from "a-hole" to "husband" again, how did that happen?

I don't get it, really really don't. The king killer now, SHE blames ME for needing a divorce.

So conversation ended as usuall, "we cant talk". So fine, I will contact my L in the morning and arrange some other means. Wouldn't you know a few minutes later S10 calls, we speak then I speak with S12 and mission is accomplished. No sooner than I hang up the phone she texts "thanks for the threat BTW". Sorry dear, it's not a threat, relax.

Uggh, this is utterly confusing. And wouldn't you know, this morning I get spotted in the local gas station by her co-worker and no more than a few minutes later she's blazing by in OM's car, why? She completely still has no remorse for leaving me for OM and yet when the conversation started last night, once again came so close as to hint that if we could be friends and talk more often, then yes, we can hang out, do stuff and "who knows". WTF is that?

Well, that's all I've got, more confusion and more unanswered questions.

You know re-reading that, I know I sound like "anti-DB" or something.

It's great that she says she misses me and wants to hang out with me, and be better friends, that's great, I was happy to hear that and if the conversation wouldn't have went sour I would have fully believed it, but yet, once again, according to her "we can't do that because you would get angry out of nowhere with me".

And when i offer up the reason why is being that "because you left me for someone else but that it doesn't matter now because you are getting what you want in a month at the very latest (D), I could care less now about that", she explodes?

I understand the demise of our R and M. I understand why she would leave me for OM, accept and forgive it. But, I do not understand how she feels that it is just no big deal apparently, and yet, should I word get out that I was out with someone of female gender having a drink or something and I tell STBX that's all it was and what does it matter? I'm the one not being truthful?

It's over.

Attorney's have (finally) just collaborated and unless she has anything purely out in left field that is worth her attorney's time and effort, the day has come, and allas this part of the pain ends.

I'm not sure if these are tears of joy, or tears of sorrow.

-dday101798

edit, more of the latter

Moved over to "Divorced, but not done" entitled "Game Over?".