Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Partner left after 9 yrs - I finally detached!??

Ali,

I actually like Plan B a lot. Go into it w/ZERO expectations and do it for yourself and NOT in an attempt to get back BF.

It may cause you to leave BF for good or it may cause you to realize he's the only one for you. Either way, it would be a good distraction and there isn't anything wrong w/you and "the Piscean" hanging out again. If the old flame fires up, so be it.

I like this because you are acting for yourself and not basing what you'll do or not do w/another man on BF.

naej was correct to say that BF won't do anything until he grows a set, so in the meantime, you are free to go and live. If you move on w/out him, it is his loss and not yours.

Remember, you can always love him, but that doesn't mean you'll always be w/him as his "significant other."

Go w/Plan B and let us know how it turns out.

RTL

Hi Ali,

How would you feel about going out on a bike ride, or going down the beach for the day with him?

Julia, good thinking then they would both be so exhausted and in a public place.

Hi kids.. Julia, Neaj, I'd love to go for a bike ride with him! Its not going to happen though.. in his mind he is 'with Helen', eventhough he in actual fact misses me terribly every day, as he says (and I believe him, becauase he cried his eyes out when he was telling me!) and of course he has told G that too.

Rob.. well plan B may be all I have, Cyrena is right, xbf's snake is no doubt curled up depressed!

Cyrena.. Hi there Fairy Godmother! Yet again, such an interesting post. You reminded me of something that Jody, the DB coach said about this things just happen to him and he doesnt know why he left.. she said "thats not good, he wont be able to come back until he's figured that out". And yes, I do feel more detached..I used to get very upset about his declarations of suicide.. now, I kind of brushed over it. I can see what you mean, he is in victim mode, NOT making decisions and taking charge of his emotions. I was heartened that he finally said.. I need to man up, grow some b*lls and make a decision..even if he hasnt done it yet!

God I miss him. I dont blame Helen for being 'really into him' as BMF W - J described. I do feel sorry for her too, as J said, she's chasing something that just isnt going to happen, he's not into her, its obvious.

But I take yuor point Cyrena that in trying to end it, that could force her hand to say things that may make him reconsider leaving her... but we've been here before. He finished with a gf he was with for 2 1/2 years and living with, because he didnt love her but couldnt stop thinking of me. So he's done it before! From the time he said it wasnt right and he couldnt stop thinking about me (in the October) it took him to the following May to end it. We got together 12 hours later. Sounds bad, but it actually wasnt planned, nor expected.. my live in BF left me the same day for someone else, wierdly, but its just how things worked out.

So just realised that today.. he's already left a long term(ish) gf to be with me and he is now faced with the same decision. No wonder he says "I'm sick of upsetting people".

My Mum, who knows him well said, he WAS honest that night, he only is when he's had a drink, and perhaps he knew he needed us to be out like that in order to talk to me. He said he NEEDED to talk to me, but he openly admits he finds it hard to talk, but not when he has had a drink of course.

Cyrena.. another thing, my Mum was asking, WHY did he allow such a public show like that? But he wasnt THAT drunk.. he interupted our talk a few times and said sorry but he was worried about his brother and tried to wake him and he apologised he needed the loo but dashed straight back to me and carried on the convo and checked on his brother (who had gone outside) but again came back.. so.. he was compis mentis..but also didnt seem to care ALL his friends in Cornwall were out and saw him, ones who all know he's with her... so it has puzzled me, why he would do such a reckless thing, whilst still with her?

Also, we were in a popular late night bar and its a small town, so ANYONE could have seen him, arms around me, crying and reported back to her.. I am sure he would realise there could be people out she knows, its the main town and its 15 mins from where she lives. So perhaps thats it, he was hoping news would reach her and she would ask him WTF were you doing with your arms around your ex, crying !??

If I were her, I would take that as a worrying sign of my bf's commitment to me...

Ali,

I think you are interpreting this question I asked you as some sort of implication that I don't believe your ex wants to get back with you....that is not the case. I truly am wondering if there COULD be another reason.

.

I heartliy agree with Cyrena on this. MY H outed his A to a very close couple of our friends and then to me when he wanted his A to end. He made out that he was sort of a victim in it all, (although he owns his own behaviour and part in it all now), and he wanted me to do the work at seeing the OW off. Others cleared it all up for him.



And yes again....and that bit is REALLY scary....but once you get to the other side the relief is amazing.

Ali,

I think you often read what I say as a criticism when I am just trying to get you to question things. I know at some points I have been frustrated by things and for that I apologise. I do think though that you focus very much on Helen and blame her for his behaviour whereas she sounds to me like just a symptom...or possibly even an excuse he uses for behaving in what is often an uncaring way. Your ex seems to go along doing what he wants to do most of the time, (even if he isn't happy), and then gets these attacks of guilt and does something nice for you.

I am not saying that he won't eventually come back to you, but I do believe from your descriptions that he is completely self absorbed. He sounds like a typical Leo....and that's coming from another typical Leo!! It all seems to be about him, (not what you are posting.....the way he is behaving). That's why I sometimes get frustrated. I know that you love him but you seem like someone who deserves so much more as you are such a giving person. But hey, we don't get to choose who we love do we? Or do we?

Hey Saffie.. well thanks for being more explicit! I need advise, not more questions, lol! I am glad yuo agree with Cyrena, I was thinking that in a way, him going public like that in front of his friends, paves the way for a split with her, but does it allow him to save face? I dont know, if I were him, I might be a bit embarressed!

I agree on the Leo stuff.. thing is, he was a VERY loving and giving partner, for all those years. We had a happy homelife...didnt argue, did everything together (shop, eat, chores, socialise etc)..he always wanted me there, by his side. I agree though, he has behaved selfishly and in a self-absorbed way since leaving!

I dont blame her AT ALL acutally, I think she is part of his mask and he is behaving with her in a way that means he doesnt have to have real intimacy with her (she doesnt know the real him and he doesnt want her to). As he was all his other exGFs. I am the only one that broke behind the mask and believe me, he is a very troubled soul. Shes just a salve, a symptom, a front, yes.

As for I deserve better.. when I look at my Gf's and my family, if we were to analyse their R's as we are here, I would say that they ALL deserve better. So, men have flaws, my ex has flaws. I know what they are and I still choose him and regarded myself as 'lucky' and blessed to be with him, in comparison with the other men I saw my friends dating/M to. He has been in a bad way though, so its not really indicative of his previous self. Thats all I can say on that one!

OH. MY. GOD.

I cant explain all the astrology of this, but its FREAKING ME OUT!.. Venus is about to retrograde back into Pisces, for Pisceans, bringing a past love back this weekend, doubly more likely! I have a Piscean ex and a Leo ex. I was told I would have 2 great loves after me at once. I just got a text and did a huge gasp....

"Hello Ali, hope all is well with you, hows things going on the sculpture front? Intrigued to know what your work is about! Anyway, take care, I would like to write you an old fashioned letter, your address is required if ok with you! Be good, *name* x"

.... from the Piscean !!

WOW.

He is like me.. open, expressive, honest, heart on your sleeve. I was thinking last night about him.. how I was DEFINETLY going to see him when I go home at the weekend because I guess we never really did talk about our breakup.. so he is going to write me a letter, no doubt to explain it all.. for all you here wondering about your WAS who never explained a thing.. 15 years later its still important enough to us to have this conversation. He was very mean to me. We were totally in love and he destroyed it systematically by being the archtypal "angry young man". It was very very heartbreaking and neither of us ever really got over it for years, if ever. Wow.. an old fashioned letter. What joy! I cant wait to read it.. I want him to send it today !!! I wonder if the Leo would ever pull his head out of his *rse long enough to do the same one day?

Christ... why does everything have to be so complicated and why is this happening NOW !!???? I sense a worrying stark choice looming on the horizon...

Ok.. I am texting him back.

Right back at you sister!!! LOL... HA HA HA HA!!! (evil laugh)

We have a saying, "I was where you are and you will be where I am"... I hope not. And not quite the same but still, you know the associated heartache...

You need advice? I don think anything anyone would tell you can stop you from meeting with this guy and probably get that beaver fed!! Use caution. Enjoy...
K

I bet a beer you are talking to the Piscean all this time... or the least texting... Well?