She obviously "misunderestimates" you -- at her peril.
You should tell her, if you haven't done so already, that you fully intend to have her boyfriend deposed if she goes thru with this. It's amazing how even the most loyal, supportive ones run like screaming banshees and throw their paramours under the bus when they have a legal oath (and potential perjury charges) hanging over their heads.
Puppy
Yeah her attorney actually postponed our deposition that was supposed to occur last Friday. She had a good excuse (sick family member) but also the weekend prior was when W spent the whole weekend at OM's house while I had D1. Part of me wonders if she was postponing strategically because she didn't want W to be hammered in the deposition.
Unfortunately, I don't think W realizes what perjury is or that she could go to jail for lying under oath. I could tell her I'm going to have OM deposed (and I am, just not sure telling her will help) and she would probably tell him and he'd puff out his chest, talk crap, and get drunk because he is an idiot himself.
Reality will hit at some point, and W's first taste of it was our preliminary emergency hearing where they walked in with the idea that I would end up with 2 Sundays a month visitation, paying $500 a month in child support, and she would get $8000 out of savings she wanted. Instead they walked out giving me every single Saturday, $200 a month in support, and she got no money from savings.
I'm not like 99% of people in my state. I know how to enunciate, I have (had now) a 4.0 GPA in college, I read Roman philosophy, English Literature, and am a very educated person.
When hit with D papers I didn't panic, hired a PI, got my evidence, counterfiled, and have built a solid case in a short period.
Her attorney spent a lot of time sizing me up during that initial negotiation and since that time W and her family have been muted in their behavior, although they have had a lot of bluster recently when I reconfronted on the A.
I keep my cool. Calm and collected. Haven't called W any names, just referenced her A in general terms in a couple of conversations where I asked her to end it, and then just act nice, polite, and cordial to her face. I know anything I say will just jeopardize my position, or give her 'justification' to say she was right about me and she can have an A guilt-free.
She acts guilt-free, but seems intent on needing me to be a bad person, so it seems to me like she does feel guilty to a point, but is trying to project that guilt onto me. I'm not biting, and am being as nice and respectful as I can be.
I've also set boundaries - she can come to my house to pick up D1, but otherwise needs to leave immediately because she does not live here any longer. I have my own provisions for D1, so I don't require W to provide anything. She doesn't seem to like that very much, because that is a sign of me moving on as a father - and no longer available as a husband.
She was very muted on Saturday and didn't want to look me in the eyes or talk at all when picking up D1.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
You are my kinda guy, DCB. Intrepid. Focused. Determined. Prepared.
My hat is off to you!
Puppy
I have disrupted the comfortable nature of her A, even though MIL pretty much continues to enable - the cat is out of the bag and it isn't a secret any longer.
I have debated the "truth dart" technique you shared previously, and other options include letting OM's on again/off again girlfriend in on the A, but I'm not sure if that would solve anything or not. As far as 'exposure' her boss knows, our preacher knows, MIL/BIL know. Otherwise, I haven't shouted it from the rooftops. I feel it is an important bargaining point with her and her immediate supporters, because they are concerned about W's image.
Read some books on BPD and boundary-setting is an important part of reacting to behaviors. But transitional-A's are also a part of it, so as long as she feels like she has her white knight waiting on her, she won't do anything to consider working on the M as we march (ever so slowly) to D-day.
Also... I can't make her seek help. I can force the diagnosis, but after that I'm focused on D1 - not W. W is going to have to make the case to me, especially after running me several thousand dollars. I care enough about myself not to allow the inappropriate behavior to affect me and my children.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I myself am dealing with some NPD (Narcissism) issues with my own wife, so I completely understand.
Since I've confronted W on the A, do you believe there is any point in discussing it further or should I just let it sit now and do the LRT/GAL?
Reality has entered the picture, and as the legal issue becomes more defined I would anticipate some sort of disruption by MIL/BIL of the A in order to attempt to placate me if/when I gain the upper hand in custody, or at the very least the illicit nature of the relationship will invite too much stress on W/OM and it will collapse.
Right now I am just enforcing strict boundaries (contact once per day via text message about D1, optional phone call 5-10 minutes on Friday to discuss D1, and pickup/dropoff on Saturday) and focusing on GAL activities.
I have no desire to confront OM, and I liked the example you gave in another thread about it being like the President refusing to deal with Terrorist leaders.
Basically W asked for the D, I have seized control of the proceedings, and now it is just a waiting game as her attorney works to salvage the situation. I'm pretty sure my exposure/etc. short-circuited W's BPD distortion campaign as well.
I'm not blinking.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I wouldn't change a thing. Once things have gone legal, the DBing really ends at that point (altho there's still certainly hope for things to change).
Re-confronting her about her affair at this point would only stir the hornet's nest. So long as you are enforcing your boundaries (that's the one caveat I would normally give), I think you're in the best place right now, tactically.
Glad to see you think so. It felt like I was doing the right thing, and ultimately have to keep my priorities straight.
I also agree with your assessment that at this point re-confronting could be counterproductive. She knows she is having an A, so rehashing it won't solve anything. I will enforce my boundaries (right now I'm not wanting her to make herself at home when she comes over, because the last time she did OM was waiting outside and it seemed like she was trying to provoke a reaction). I told her to come, get D1, and leave. Same thing when I pick up D1 - I come in, get her, and leave.
I'm sure her attorney has to be beside herself at the bill of goods W probably sold her initially. They (W/MIL/Attorney) were initially doing the whole 'bully bully' thing and acting overconfident, but now seem to be acting with extreme timidity.
I'm sure she has never seen a client disarmed this quickly, and we haven't even really gotten started yet. I'm apparently getting too good at this.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Went to see D1 this morning. W was in there with her. She was holding D1's hand, and I got down on one knee and held out my hand and D1 came to me. Spent about 15 - 20 minutes playing with her, and having a good time. W just sat in a chair and stared at me the whole time with a look of dread on her face.
Not sure what to make of that, maybe her attorney advised her that they have a big problem with their case all of a sudden. Trying not to make too much of it, but focused strictly on having a good time with D1, and told W "Have a good day." on my way out the door.
Had to drop one of my college classes this morning though, since my grade has been slipping due to the drama. Means I'll have to push graduation to another semester. All things will work out as they should.
I'm trying not to come across as too 'cold' to W, but I'm just distancing and being polite and focused strictly on D1. But I'm giving a clear indication that I'm not relying on her for anything. She should start respecting me a little more seeing as how I've been picking her apart legally and we haven't even really gotten started.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Yeah I'm a master of the shock and awe technique of Divorce Bombing. :p
It isn't easy... but I'm taking my actions with a clear conscience because I tried everything I could to avoid this path. There comes a point where I have to do what I have to do in order to defend myself and look out for the best interests of D1.
I've shown compassion, understanding, and a willingness to forgive. I can't do more than I've done, and if W has no interest then I have to do what I have to do in regards to that as well. The more I consider BPD, the more I recognize that my children wouldn't be in a healthy environment if she didn't get help.
I went through this before... W knew that... yet here we are, she walked right into it. Common sense should have told her what to expect. Heck... I told her what to expect if we went this route. But someone (OM/MIL) convinced her to go after me with an attorney. So we see where that leads.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
