Apart from the totally sh!t day at work where I've had to field 2 potential formal complaints about colleagues - and which likely will make it to a pretty serious disciplinary stage tomorrow...I've had a pretty good day...
The change in my own reaction has been pretty informative to me though...there was a time when something like that would have sent me into an internal meltdown...but although these two instances are as serious as I've had to deal with - I haven't taken them personally - bearing in mind I'm the manager, and up to say a year ago I would assumed all sorts of responsibility and culpability - today I have dealt with them as they should...while not taking on any guilt...these folks are grown ups and they have to take responsibility for their own actions...before I would have folded in the most unproductive way and taken on their anger and frustration - so hey - good day for me in a funny way!
And the good thing was - I met my W for H's parent's evening - which was wonderful - his teacher confirmed for us what a wonderful boy we have! We always knew it - and know it, but its great to have someone else confirm it!!! Its also good to hear cos that must mean that our arrangements and our care of H is OK - in so far as is possible under the circumstances...because one of my biggest concerns was how this whole set of circumstances would affect him...
Then went back (home) - to W's house for tea and had a great chin-wag / off- loading about W's job circumstances / challenges - she is due to be made redundant by her school which is merging with another school but is "invited" t apply for a job there - with no guarantees. Thing is my W is the most talented, inspiring teacher I have ever come across - her skill and ability to inspire and manage kids is frankly, amazing - always was and remains so. So I know she's going through a tough time with that situation - so did my bit with that...funny thing though...nothing about me...how was your day Simon? Nothing, squit...which was what led to a lot of my resentment - its all about her... still she has managed a couple of bike rides this week, bought her outfit for the holiday she and H are undertaking over Easter...moaned about this that and the other...nothing about me! But I'm out of it. This, on reflection seems very one sided - she gets my salve, and I none of hers...as a man am I expected to suck all of that up? Where's OM at this point? Does he get similar? Or with the rush of happy love hormones does he not have to put up with all of that? I wonder if she does unload in the same way - and if so if she receives the same level of understanding that I offer...maybe he offers more?
If he has anything to moan about or anxieties about his life does she afford him anything more than she does me? I don't think she is capable of it...What is it with her? Can she not see that other people have problems, concerns?
Right now...I consider her to be a very selfish, self centred woman...completely self interested and self centred. These were the very traits I found so hard to deal with...are other people's feelings not important?
But at the same time I recognise that men and women have different needs within a communication discourse.
Anyhow, on to the next phase - we went to see H invested into his Beaver Group - which was exciting and important for him - he declared his Beaver Promise - we took photos etc and had a really good relaxed time there...It was FAB! To see him excited and playing and part of this group...
Sorry I havent posted for a bit, I'm really not sure what to say anymore! I thikn its great that she was so appreciative of your kind efforts at Mothers Day. And I agree, where is the OM all the time in all of this?? With the chimney and the work issues, as you say.
I can see perhaps, from an outsiders perspective, a similarity as in my sitch... nothing has really changed, the WAS is behaving int he same manner, but its you thats changing a bit perhaps.. you are getting a little resentful and also, losing patience. And who can blame you? Its been 2 years.
As for you venting about her being self-inolved.. I know you are just blowing off steam, as its hard being in our shoes, whilst they have an OP to lean on.. and that you do love her really, as I do my ex. But again, I see similarities... on the phone, I told him I lost my job.. he just said "oh no" and then there was this silence, which I filled, but he asked me no more about it, depsite downloading to me for 20 minutes+ about his job !! and me showing alot of concern... I thkn they just did such a good job of pushing us out, leaving and erecting walls to stop us getting back in, they dont mean to come across as selfish, its just they are not emotionally available and are not focused on us, but on themselves and in my ex's case, their disastrous R with the OP.
SO try not to take it personally, is all I am saying, perhaps unconciously, they behave in a slightly cold, disconnected way because they arent in a position to give any false hope, so they kind of act liek they dont care! But I am sure she does care.
How much longer do you thikn you and I can realistically doing this, before we throw in the towel? I know I am down to my last few months now. How about you?
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks Ali - I'm not sure at all how much more I can hang in there...
I guess like you, I flip-flop on this...
There become points where I think - no more, then something happens that gives me something I think I can work with.
What I have moved into though is a "moving forward" frame of mind , not "moving on".
My door is still open, and the cushions are there, ready and waiting - they just need plumping up a little and the fire is ready to be lit.
I would love to sit down with my W or have the opportunity to get out with my W to see what's still there - or not...
You're right I do love her - I am doing a pretty good job now though of detaching, genuinely giving her space...I have to overlook the fact that shes filling that space with OM - most of the time that washes over me - only when it comes out from H am I floored...thats devastating and knocks me back - but I'm recovering more quickly as time goes on.
Tonight was interesting - at lunchtime W phoned me - I was unable to take the call cos I was in a meeting re the complaints I am having to deal with - earlier post. In all, I think she phoned me 3 times - and on the 3rd occasion left me a message - to explain that the birthday party I was due to take H to on Friday had been cancelled and to offer a re-jigging of our arrangements. I phoned her back when I knew she would have finished teaching. Yesterday when I spoke to her I asked if she would be able to pick up some documentation for the Climbing Bid I'm putting in and so I asked also if it would be OK to call round to pick it up - so I headed "home" after work. Well, that should have been a quick iin and out - but while I was there - she says - would you mind looking at the internet connection - it keeps dropping and I can't get on the net - which she needs to sort out some work stuff - so I fix that...and we have a nice bit of banter and also I got to see H - albeit too briefly. And also - somehow I now have her hoover to fix!!! Apparently - it is now bust cos I used it to help clear up after sweeping the chimney!!! So thats my fault too!
C'mon OM - why don't you step in and help with this stuff? What am I - the handyman??? But I guess OM just does cooking, wine, candles and sex.
H hugged me like he was never going to let go...
Good news - though - he's spending most of the w/e with me - and we have a full programme planned!!!
W was going away this w/e biking - but has decided to scrub that in view of the need to sort her head out re job. I offered for us to do something together - with H. No pressure or expectations in my mind - but H would appreciate that I think - he's struggling with things at the moment - he can be read like a book...
Oh - and other interesting observation - this may be something or nothing - the USB stick I sorted out for W with songs at Christmas - I put a lot of work into that - hours and hours and hours...that was plugged into her sound system. I'm not thinking that that means she is having any thoughts of me - or that those songs are hitting a chord in any way - but I am pleased that she's listening to them - at the very least I managed to put together a collection she likes...and its not been consigned to the back of the drawer!
Fabulous weekend so far...tennis this morning, then finally ran got the climbing bid in - closing date is end of the month so H and I pegged it through the rain to the post office to catch the post, then sorted lunch and the popped out to get H's feet measured...finally into the garden for an hour - did a bit of dry stone walling - I did a course years ago and loved it - so this was a nice hour and then to badminton...H just gets better and better - but hes going to have to acquire a bit more of a killer instinct soon! And finally to the cinema - Monsters vs Aliens in 3D - which was excellent! For a 7 year old!
Well, feeling very tired! Lost an hour but of course H arrived into my bed at the same time as always this morning - 6.15...
Managed to persuade him to sleep for another hour - but not much more!
Did a pile of homework stuff this morning and then off to the park for a knock at tennis...
Back for a light lunch and then into the garden for more dry stone walling...
W came by at around 5 for tea - we had intended all going to local eatery - but the weather was too nice to miss so I sorted out an al fresco tea out in my garden...which was nice...
W took the opportunity to go though some of her interview questions etc and to nab a load of logs from my tree felling operations - but - hey "no problem - go ahead"
Here was W's email on Sunday night - after our al - fresco garden meal - it was posted at bout 9 on Sunday eve I think but I didn't pick it up until late yesterday cos of our work's super spam filter!
"fab meal lovely setting thank you x"
And today W had her interview for the job - the interview was at 10 am...
I had H phone her this morning to wish her "good luck" and to say that he would be crossing all his fingers and toes for her at 10 and I sent her a TM later - I didn't want her getting flustered by me calling her so thought it best to leave it to a TM...but I did want her to know that I was rooting for her...
She phoned me at about 10.40 - I missed the call, dada dada - we managed to speak at about midday...
We had a 30 minute + conversation...
And all of this I'm laying out for the record...for my purposes and for anyone elses comments...
So, my W comes out of the interview and by my calculation - I am thinking, I was the first person she called...of course I did nothing but listen, validate, smile, wave (thanks Smiley - I like that!)
So good day for me - went on H's school trip - was one of bout 4 extra grown ups invited along and we had a ball...
It was good to see H interact and get along with all his pals in his class...he's far more confident in that situation than I ever would have been at his age...
Managed to hold my group together through the day - a bit of my teacher training and kid management came into play and all went smoothly, although there were a couple of tough characters in my group...
And I think my rendition of "a young austrian went yodelling on a mountain one day..." on the way home on the coach went down well!
The up to home and collected W and took W and H to the airport - they're flying out to Dubai to meet up with friends who have been "posted" there for a week...
I assume OM is away at the moment and I have been drafted in - but no matter, it was good to give H hugs right up tp the last minute before they went air-side - and also surprisingly W gave me a hug and kiss and told me to take care of myself...it was all I could do not to tell her that I loved her - but no - I didn't, but I did manage a bum squeeze! And told her the same - to take care of herself and our son - which I know goes without saying...
So full weekend of GALing and then pretty buy week at work nest week to look forward to...
