Wow, one month ago I was writing that I was happy. What happened? I am feeling really down today. I know I can't control a lot of the reasons for this. I need to just push forward. I am just getting tired of all the drama. I want everything over with and to be able to move on with my life.
First, my stbxh is being an a$$hole. We have gotten along a lot thru all of this. I have accepted the fact that he is moving in with his gf and that we are done. I'm fine with this. The problem is my girls. He is trying to bribe them to come see him at gf's house. They don't want to go. He is pushing them further and further away. I hate seeing them so hurt. He has chosen his gf and her sons over his own flesh and blood. It hurts. What can I do? Not a whole hell of a lot. I can only be there for my girls as they need me.
Last night they were supposed to go to his apartment (he still has it til the end of May). He had called and asked the youngest if she wanted to go to his gf's house for dinner. D15 said no. Subject dropped...or so I thought. He called me yesterday and asked me what he was supposed to do about feeding her as he only had $4 to last him until he gets paid again on the 16th. I told him to fix a plate from gf's house and take it to his apt. for her. I then said you need 2 plates as D18 would be over there after work. He told me that was too much trouble. WTH? It is too much trouble to feed your children? I told him I would pick D15 up after her tennis game and she could just come home with me. I would feed her. So, the girls were home with me last night. I really didn't mind this. He never once said they could eat at home and then come over. He wanted to stay at gf's more than he wanted to see his kids. That really makes me mad.
As I said, he and I have gotten along really well thru all this but the more he does these things, the angrier I get with him. I am beginning to really hate him for treating his kids this way.
Then on top of the drama with him, my sister has been making comments regarding my bf. I know it is because she is jealous. She makes them about my brothers gf also. But the last straw was when she made a vulgar comment about me and my bf to my 18 year old daughter. It was uncalled for. It was so bad that I won't repeat it. I am steaming mad. I am done with my sister. As far as I am concerned after that comment, I don't have a sister.
I so wish I could sell my house and everything in it and move far away and start over. I need a new beginning.
My job is going down the drain. I hate it here. I have applied at other places but no one is hiring. I should be thankful I have the one I have. It is just all too much for me. I'm not happy at work, I'm not happy outside of work. I'm just plain not happy.
I have been trying to refinance my house but with the market the way it is I can't get the comps to work in my favor. As I am waiting for the market to pick up, my finances are going down. I need to get something done quickly. If I could refinace and put all my bills into one payment life would be easy again. I am so tired of this single life and struggling to make it day to day. What ever happened to happily ever after?
I will be 42 soon and what have I got to show for it? Not a damn thing. Growing up you plan out your life and figure by my age I will be stable and ready to work until retirement. The way I am going I will still be working at 90 years old.
I'm sorry I am so bitter about all of this. I really should be thankful I have my health, my kids, a roof over my head and food on the table. There are so many others out there who have it worse than me. I guess I just needed to vent a little. I have to admit I do feel a tad bit better.
Today I am talking with a mortgage company about refinancing. I told them if they could get my appraisal where I need it then I will go with them for the refinance. I have my fingers crossed that it works. This way I can get all my bills put into one payment.
Then I am selling my house. I won't get much for it but I won't have the mortgage payment to deal with. I have to split what is left over after everything is paid for with my stbxh and would rather do that now when he won't get as much then wait. Yes, I know I won't get as much either but I will walk away with a little money in my pocket and no bills. To me, this is a new start. I want to get rid of everything that reminds me of stbxh. I need a fresh start.
