Ok, I went from underwhelmed, to OVERWHELMED.. within minutes. The thing is, he looked gorgeous. He was with all of his friends, he stood out, he shone, he was laughing, chatting, making others laugh.. I havent seen him with his friends since last July. It hit me hard and within 10 minutes I realised I am still in love with him. I wasnt sure this past few weeks to be honest, but now, I am back to square one, back to the day he left me, which is awful for me, but there it is.
So.. I was shy when I arrived, sort of said hello then sat across a large table from him next to his (shocked to see me) brother and talked to him for ages.. my ex kept making comments across to me.. we could hardly hear each other, he smiled, mouthed things, mimed things, little in jokes, comments etc.. eventually I moved to be sat next to him and we chatted then more. I wasnt sure but Cher told me there was LOTS of eye contact and little conversations from him right from the start. Noone knew about Helen... then I accidentally got VERY drunk.
I asked G and he said he didnt know, so he loudly asked his brother.. so is he still with Helen, or not, Al wants to know? His brother looked VERY awkward and cringed and said.. um.. yes.. he is.. sorry Al.. and I wanted the ground to swallow me up (ex was outside at this point). We moved to a club, with a small bar downstairs.. when it came to go upstairs to the club, he hung back and said to me (he hadnt taken me aside or visibly sought me out at all so far).. shall we go back down stairs? I said.. um.. shall we? And he said, yes, c'mon.. so we went and rejoined his brother on some bar stools..They were both drunk (oh dear god).
The three of us sat and chatted a little and I was increasingly stressed at the wierdness. G came to join us and I got more frustrated (sadly, I had gotton inadvertently very drunk without meaning to !!!).. then G left and his brother we noticed was now asleep on his stool.. as soon as that happened... I turned to my ex and said "Are you ok then?" and that triggered a long conversation (an hour???) of intense emotional talking and a LOT of crying. It was awful. Everyone kept away. G came by at one point and smoothed my ex's hair done (it was sticking up from him tearing at it!) and said that we looked like he had been in a carcrash. Cher said she came down and we were huddled together, both crying and didnt notice her. Oh dear!
It was a breakthrough perhaps, he said more than before and I did a total ANTI-DBing, totally honest, but I still cant tell if he's coming back, but it was emotional. I will try and post it...
Um..there were lots of hugs and holding hands and lots of crying but I felt the whole conversation was pretty much the same as last November, word for word, but more open. From what I can remember...
He said - I am glad you are ok Al.. I asked if it was ok that I was there (as I wasnt sure).. had he wanted me to be? And he said Yes! yes, he had wanted to see me, he was glad to see me.. he missed me.. The biggest thing I heard him say was...I miss you terribly.. I said, you do !??? He was very emphatic.. Yes, I miss you terribly, I miss you so much, I miss you every day, I think about you all the time.. I told him I missed him and now I was crying.. that I missed him every day, I missed him so much it was killing me. I said he was my best friend, that I missed him, we were friends 13 years and I thought I was his best friend.. then I corrected myself and said, oh, I dont want to sound arrogant, I guess there is someone else who is closer to you now, and he said, no... you are.. you are my best friend - like as if he was realising himself even.
I told him I loved him.. I said, I want to apologise for not being honest and not telling him that since Dec 2007, but I was afraid of pushing him away, but that I loved him, always did and always would, but that if friendship is all he has to offer me, then I will accpet that, and I would be his friend for life, if he would have me (we were holding hands and crying now), but that he had to let me know.. he didnt say anything, just looked gutted.. I said, let me explain something.. of all the people I have ever known, school, work, outside of family, you are my favourite person and I miss you in my life.. his lip was wobbling then and he was crying..he said again he missed my friendship too, missed me so much.. (it was all so upsetting!)
.. at some point about her, that "you do know I have something else going on in my life" and I think I said, oh, so you are still with her then? So, why cant you call me, or see me? (oh dear, drunk!) and he said, "do you want me to spell it out?". I said, but we were hanging out, going for drinks, meals, bike rides until last August.. he said I KNOW! I said, but then you startd dating her 2 weeks later, why ??? He said I DONT KNOW! He said, I didnt go looking for it, I didnt mean it to happen...
The most significant thing was he said about being weak.. I'm weak, I'm a coward.. but then to himself, I need to man up, grow some balls and make a decision... But he also said that he cant stand upsetting people, he was crying saying, I cant stand it, I dont want to upset people anymore, I cant stand upsetting people (I took it to mean ending it with her).
I asked him if she is treating him well.. and he said yes, she is actually, in a kind of ironic sad voice (as though, he doesnt deserve it/isnt treating her well). I said, do you love her? He said "no" flatly.
I said, what about you, are you happy? He said no, not at all, he is very unhappy.. I said, so why are you bothering then? He said he was confused.. that he is unhappy.. but something about, that it is him, he has always been unhappy, its in him (so I took it to mean he cannot work out WHAT is making him unhappy, her, me, or just himself and so he is still undecided).
About the missing me.. I said, but its not obvious! He said, I know!! and he was so sorry and cried. I said, but you didnt even phone me for 3 months, he then explained he feels so guilty, after what he has done, that he has hurt me so much.. also, that he feels guilty in all ways (meaning her) that he has been trying to do the right things, make the right decisions, be fair and all he has done is do all the wrong things and make the wrong decisions and something about me and him and being unhappy..
After saying the bit about needing to make a decision.. he said, I just need some more time Al.. I said, OK (he had said this in November, but less clear then, this time, he was very strong in asking) So.. there is a decision to be made and he was asking me for more time.. so I guess he was asking me to wait?
At one point, I said I was sorry for my behaviour in the R.. and he stopped me, emphatically.. NO! Its not you, it wasnt your fault, you have nothing to say sorry for, you've done nothing wrong.. its me.. I said but I need to be able to apologise for certain things, I am ashamed of the way I acted in some ways.. he said, you have nothing to be sorry for. I said but I dont see you anymore and something about makes me feel not worthy of his time.. he was shocked, What !? No! Its ME thats not worthy, no, no.. and was very very reasuring and rubbing my back up and down and it was all just.. ARGHH !
He was saying something early on like he doesnt care, cares about nothing (meaning feels dead inside).. that he some days wants to go home and just lie down and sleep and some days.. he just wants to sleep.. and mean sleep... that he wants to just walk off the cliff... to go to the cliff edge and walk off. He said this in a very flat, undramatic, deadened way.. like he really meant it. I was shocked and ended up asking.. do you talk to her about this? He said, no, not really.. and I was stunned again.
I said you can always talk to me, I know you better than anyone and he agreed. I said, I know things that noone else does, that you know what we have talked about.. and I want you to know that I completely love and accept you.. no matter what.. I accept you.. I looked at him and he looked SOOOO emotional and just, like he really took that on board and stunned.. and I said, well I am still here arent I? (this is the ONE thing I have never told him, so it felt important to).
I apologised alot for the conversation, for crying, for upsetting him, he was very emphatic.. NO! Its not your fault, dont apologise, you havent upset me, I just AM upset, I wanted to see you, I wanted to talk to you... I said really? He said yes, I want to talk to you, I said, but we can just hang out or something next time and he said, no, I want to talk to you Al, I need to talk to you.. I said, ok, I would like that, can we do that then sometime? And he said yes, yes, I really want to..
He said again.. I just need some time.. I said ok. And thats how we left it.. he went to fetch his brother from outside, people were leaving and he then came back to give me another hug and then left, I dont remember what we said to each other, or even if we said goodbye but made no plans to speak/see each other.
...and I'm sorry for the long post. How do I feel? Like things are still rumbling on and not yet at a conclusion. That I cant 'do' anything, its not about her, I am not fighting her, I am fighting his depression and feelings of self-loathing and suicide. That he doesnt know who he is, what he is doing, or who he wants and is probably just 'going through the motions' right now. That the depth of emotion between us still is overwhelming. That I believe he still loves me, but he is very confused still. I am overwhelmed and touched and shocked to hear him say he missed me every day (thats not obvious hey!) and not only that, but that he missed me 'terribly'. That I am his best friend still. And considering the outpouring of emotion from us both, after 16 months apart, it feels 'wrong' that we are not together, and he is with her, especially as he doesnt love her.
Maybe this was a disaster, in terms of DBing.. but I didnt hesistate.. I had nowhere left to run, but do the one thing I have never done.. be honest with him. And you all said hey, just tell him, tell him what you post here about how much he means to you.. and in the moment, I couldnt help it. I dont feel I've blown it.. after so long apart and an ow for 7 months, how can I? Its down to him now to make his decision.
Yes, I have a life, hobbies, career, friends, dreams but I am posting all of this, as this is the forum to do that.. My Mum said to me today, that I am NOT ok, but I am coping.. he is NOT ok but he is NOT coping! She is proud of me and all that I have achieved in getting my life back on track.. but she appreciates when I admitted.. that although my life has gone on, all the colour has drained out of it since the day he left.. its a black and white existence even now.
Who cares about Dbing at this point? And you probably were DBing being honest and speaking out your emotions and state of mind, you were doing something different.
Overall, good (drunken) discussion. Unfortunately he has nothing else to offer but you got ALL he had/has. If you want him, buckle up little lady because you are going to need all the patience of the world and then some. xxx K
Hey K.. yes I still want him, and then some.. Yes, it was a little boost to see the Piscean and know he still probably loves me in part, 15 years later as part of me always will love him.. but my ex here, the Leo, HE is the love of my life. Its been 13 years and counting and I cannot imagine life with him not in it. I think of Natasha Richardson and Jade Goody and how their partners must feel now they can no longer speak to that person and I think, how would I feel if he did jump off that cliff? Bereft. Heartbroken.
And yes.. we were very drunk!! (but thats the only way he can open up lately it seems).
I'm really glad you got to have a conversation. Was it what you wanted? There must be a lot to digest now huh? I think you handled it well under the circumstances. Did you end up having a fun night?
(but thats the only way he can open up lately it seems).