I do wish you good success in this new effort of yours. It is by NO means easy, but it IS, nevertheless, at least fairly SIMPLE:
- No R talk. - No initiated contact. - Business/kids (where applicable) logistics only. - Don't be reactive (don't "jump into the pit") with them. - When you DO have contact, remain upbeat, positive, and project that you're BUSY with GAL stuff. Be friend-LY, but not their best friend. Be civil, courteous.
One thing I found helpful in my sitch, whenever my wife would try to drag me into the pit with her with yet another "WE NEED TO TALK!" threats, was to say something like:
"(Wife), there's really only three things to talk about. One is the kids, and of course I'll talk to you about them. The second is our relationship, and as long as you're having an affair, there IS no relationship right now, and third is anything legal or financial, and I really think that's best left handled by the lawyers."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
It's not so much that hard-core DBing takes effort (altho it certainly does); it's more than it takes a tremendous amount of discipline. Once you build these new habits (they say it takes 21 days to create a new habit and/or nix an old bad one) and they become more second-nature to you, it will get much, much easier.
Thank you guys tons. I will need to reread all that you have given me over these next coming days/weeks.
Puppy: love the script.
So I decided to practice my own because I know H will come at with:
"H, there is only three things I think we really need to talk about right now. One is the building and the rentals. Two is decisions about our M and as long as your are involved and having an A with OW then we really have nothing to speak about with that, and three is any legal or financial matters that we need to resolve."
How's that? I need to keep practicing this.
I'm so trying to stay positive and hopeful but I feel like I have butterflies in my tommy at times when I think about what it is I KNOW I need to do. It will get easier I'm sure. But I gotta say, it sure does feel empowering compared to how I feel when H is running the show.
You need to be sure and say that if it's legal and financial, that you'll leave that for your attorney. Perhaps even moreso than R convos, it is these quagmires that you do NOT want to get into with a wayward soul, because they are cheeseless tunnels filled with snares and all sorts of gnarly things.
So, just journaling. Yesterday, 3/31, no contact whatsoever with H. Good. I'm on course and it still feels good. I just went out with a girlfriend to watch a movie last night.
Wed. 4/1: My goal is again to live my life and have no contact with H. Going to the gym after work and then home to watch American Idol. I've been actually trying to lose some pounds and want to make that my focus. I gotta look HOTTT this summer cause it feels so good.
So another thing I've been meaning to share. So I was by my in-laws on Sunday and had a long talk with sister in law. So H is parading OW all around and it felt so good to hear that no one in H's family likes her. SIL has the same feelings like me -- she isn't a nice person. Putting the A aside, I really think that she is just not a nice person. All of H's family agrees except for his teenage cousins and nieces. The one thing I am grateful for is having the support from H's family. SIL said that H knows that he can't bring her to their house. So it's official, none of H's friends nor family likes her (maybe some who I don't know) but its like I said she is just not nice. Her entire demeanor looks mean -- and I'm not being biased. I could die and I wouldn want H to remarry but not her. H even took her by his cousin's restaurant and I hear they said their spirit don't take to her at all and that watch he will be running back to his wife when she's finished with him.
But I also take it as a compliment to me and the kind of person I am. I feel assured that I do have H's friends and family support. All of them tell me how much respect they have for me and I should go on with my life because they want to see me happy and that H is crazy. I feel good about that. I've always and still do love H's family anyway. I always said H is package deal. With all honesty H's family is one of the reasons I so want my M to work out. I always looked forward to my kids having his family -- he has a huge family, and I know what love my children would have. But I guess it looks like that is just not going to happen. God has other plans for me I guess. Funny is that I always said that what I have is so rare that my MIL and I get along so well. I sure do consider her my second mommy. I just love that woman. H gets jealous of our R since MIL told him that Vic is a daughter to me.
Anyone, one other gossip... so SIL told me that you know that OW is married but her and her H broke up as well. I always thought it strange that H would go to their house to "visit his son" and he always said that OW's H didn't mine. Well, only to hear from SIL that OW's H also had a girlfriend and that the GF had moved in with OW and her H and my H went by one day and saw the girl there and no one seemed bothered. OW's H and his GF had one room and my H and OW would be in another. IS THIS FOR REAL???!!! What vulgarity. This is definitely above and beyond my moral sense. Nastiness to the maximum extent. And to think OW has two kids and one a little girl that witnesses all of this. A great example, right? I also her that OW's H want her gone out of the house. My mom and I speculate that OW H's probably brought his GF there since my H was going by and he just didn't care anymore. He was the only one working to pay the rent anyway. And from my experience with OW she just has no respect for anyone (even H said once that she doesn't respect her own mother) so I'm sure she showed her H no respect. I wonder why my H thinks she will respect him?? Good luck to them with that.
Anyone, one other gossip... so SIL told me that you know that OW is married but her and her H broke up as well. I always thought it strange that H would go to their house to "visit his son" and he always said that OW's H didn't mine. Well, only to hear from SIL that OW's H also had a girlfriend and that the GF had moved in with OW and her H and my H went by one day and saw the girl there and no one seemed bothered. OW's H and his GF had one room and my H and OW would be in another. IS THIS FOR REAL???!!!
Yea, Pup. Talk about a recipe for disaster. I know I got this story from a 3rd party so I do hope there is more to it for heaven's sake. It was the craziest thing I have ever heard but yet still I think it fits the mold of H and OW's behavior. I feel lucky to step out of all that mess. I guess my "one-man all my life church-going self" was too boring for H. He likes living on the edge of disaster.
Just journaling 4/2: no contact still going with H. No events and no emotional breakdowns which is GREAT!! Trying to live for me. Exercising and hanging with friends.
It is so amazing to hear about the poor choices they make while in the "fog". Glad to hear you are doing well. Keep focusing on making your life great.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
