Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Stay or move?

New acronym "TAH" - Throw Away Husband.

She sent me a big list of stuff for the proposed settlement agreement. Fun stuff. I'm going to run it by my L today.

I dunno. Doesn't look good. Any db'ing might only be for my benefit and self-worth. Maybe the goal is just remaining friends and getting thru the pain.

She wanted a MC session in a week or two, but I told her I was kinda mixed on it. The last sessions were more of an "exit interview" than anything. We do need to talk but I'm not sure I'm willing to pay $200 an hour to this particular therapist to do it. (see my post in When Therapy Hurts). Maybe someone else, or maybe we just try talking.

I know one of the db'ing techniques is not to talk about the relationship (unless it's a session). I broke that one in a last ditch thing and told her in an email that I will work with her on the settlement but this seemed like a terrible waste. I was disappointed we didn't learn about ourselves and work on our problems earlier. I felt our problems were minor and solvable compared to other D I've seen others go through.

I included the following link:

"Marriage Experts Say to Hang In There. Divorce is a common side effect of ADHD. But getting one doesn't mean you'll live happily ever after."

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/541.html

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No response expected from her and none received.

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I was dim the rest of the day and spent the evening hanging out with friends.

Orange,

She can't force you out unless she can prove abuse, so don't worry. Her tantrum will subside; in fact, if anything, I'll bet that she's overly NICE to you at some point within the next two days or so.

DO be careful that you don't allow her to PICK A FIGHT with you. It's a common tactic, and you need to be on especially high alert now that she may try to get you to out of the house.

Just be pleasant, but dim (hard to be dark when you have kids together). Civil, respectful, courteous. Friend-LY, but not trying to be her BEST FRIEND.

Or, as someone else on the board says, "Smile and wave."

Puppy

My L took a look at her ideas for settlement and thought it looked very fair and equal on everything. Looks like I can't afford the house (at all!) so if I move out I'm only giving up potential rights to something I can't have anyway - and I'm not sure I can handle living there. I guess I made a point but maybe not the smartest move - this thing is way beyond repair. Much ado about nothing.

L thought it would be best if I just got out of there on June 1 - less tension - better future relationship. Papers are probably going to arrive anyway - but that's on her and I'm not going to rush it.

She might be overly nice, but I won't know, she's going out of town for about a week. Good time to be dark and get some space from each other.

We got together to work on bills last night and ended up discussing a lot of things that happened in the last week or three. We'd agreed at the start to stay friends, be adults, and work thru things. Over the past few weeks things got tense and we let a lot of outside negativity come in (just look at my past posts and you'll see it). Neither of us want to hurt each other. Despite the fact she's leaving, we need to stay friends, work together on our common goals and for our children. It was a very good talk.

GAL will help me much and I think it seems to be one of the primary reasons behind this. She feels that something in the relationship makes life hard on me and she really wants me to thrive. I'm 'stuck' in a few areas (career, life goals) but I'm working on it.

She's went out of town for a most of a week. She asked me to drive her to the airport. I told her for the duration of this trip, let's just try to put all this stuff out of our thoughts for a while and give each other a needed break. Agreed. I put on a good face and we both left happy.

Overall, I'm sad today, but at a greater level of comfort. A lot of the negativity is gone. I'm not sad because she was going to be gone for a few days but because I need to let go, work on myself, and one day hope she sees me as a better man and comes back. I'm sad because we both fell for all this negativity and hurt each other. We got a little of the repair done last night.

She looked so pretty this morning. We had a nice hug goodbye (first hug in weeks - we've both been holding back). I miss her friendship, her companionship. A lot of hard things are going to happen over the next week, months, (years?). I just have to maintain that friendship and keep the faith in myself.

Someone has a signature on this board, "Forgiveness is the way out of hell." So true.

I think I'm going to re-title this thread or close it and open a new one. The "move" question is done. Now it's just about keeping the faith over the long haul.

(I'll rename the thread later)

It's been such a sad day. I didn't feel depressed (that gut twisting fatigue) but the same kind of feeling after watching a sad movie. I could understand it, contain it, yet explore it.

This link over on Smiley People thread just really woke me up. What fog have I been in?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1494555&page=0&fpart=1 -hopefully!

"Some people think that a WAW is hard, angry, cold. In a fog. There's more to her than that..."

I have compassion for my wife. I don't agree with what she did. But I have compassion for her. She must have been pretty miserable to do what she did.

So I've set up a sweet deal on a rental house downtown. At least I will be comfortable and near all the fun stuff in the city. (I think she'll be envious. )

She mentioned during our discussion last week that she had in our mind we would sep but work on the D paperwork later towards the end of the summer or fall. That was before our little tif. I'm hoping that we've gotten back to where we started and can continue based on trust. I'm ready to show it on my side.

There's not a lot of legal risk in this and we're kinda going to end up with the same stuff no matter what - sign a one-pager' re child custody and that's about all we have to worry about for now. Initially at the beginning of this whole thing I'd asked for a 6-month period to let things cool off and she was up for it. I'm hoping we can get back to that initial plan.

Questions:

At this point it's important to reduce negative emotions. She needs space. She needs to see independence and growth in me. She's even admitted, the problem is not me, it's the marriage dynamic. The move, GAL, and additional work in my career should help this. But how do I keep us from drifting apart? I've heard some couples say that once a sep started it was all over. My sitch is a little different than theirs; we have kids, joint financial obligations (that even a D won't separate), and plan to meet once a week to discuss business, plus spend one day together with the children. That should be more than enough contact. I'm getting that this whole thing is a leap of faith - go ahead and move in your direction with the faith that she'll follow. Am I right?

There are lots of couples too who were helped by the separation. You've already admitted she needs space. Maybe the being apart will be a beneficial thing for us, as it is for many couples whose marriages are troubled. Whatever healing they have to do...they can't do it with us in the picture. They 'need' the time and space. i've even heard from some that they need to 'miss' us! How can they do that if we are around?