Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Now what do I do?

I would keep the conversation as light as it possibly can be under the circumstances. If he wants to talk R, then mostly listen to him. Validate and make eye-contact. Listen, listen, and listen some more.

As some others here have said, it's like the Madagascar Penguins maneuver... "Smile and wave".

I wouldn't ask him anything. He might not not be thinking right right now. Listen to the experienced people on this board...they have been DB'n for a lot longer than we have. Back away and let the dust settle. Then back away some more.

Thanks. You've helped me so much these past couple of days. I really appreciate all of your insight. One thing though, when you say validate what exactly does that mean? Just agree with him? Can you tell I'm new to this? lol

That's actually a common misunderstanding. Validation does not mean to agree with, it means to show that you understand his position and why he might feel that way. Examples off validation phrases would be,

"I understand why you feel the way you do".
"It is only natural to think that".
"I see where you are coming from".
"Of course, you have a valid point".
'I can see that you have thought a great deal about this".

Of course, you can also agree with what he says IF you do agree, but validation is about seeing the truth, value, and motives behind the other persons feelings.

Oohhh, I get it now. Thanks so much. I'm going to keep all of this in mind when I talk to him tomorrow. Just gotta make it through the day at work. I'm going to PMA-ing all over the place!!

IF you feel like you can have this meeting WITHOUT negotiating, or hurting yourself emotionally, then okay. But I'd still advise against it until you've had a chance to have that first legal consultation.

Puppy

meliru97,

Please listen to Puppy! I am just reading through your sitch and while you have gotten some good advice from people, keep in mind that most of them are new to all this as you are. Heed the words of wisdom offered by someone who has a lot of experience here (I will not say "old timer" as someone else recently made the mistake of doing!)

IMHO, if you are not 100% confident you can conduct yourself without any emotion then you should NOT meet with H. If it goes badly it can put you back both emotionally and financially.

Look at it this way, would you want to do something that may have negative repercussions on your children's future? Because that very well may happen. You could agree to something out of fear or anger or a desire to be nice that ends up impacting a final settlement.

I'm also getting the feeling that you are looking to turn this into a R talk - you want to know why he is doing this. Listen to me: you will not get the answer you seek. And you will end up hurt no matter what he says or doesn't say. I don't think you're ready for this yet.

I've been there. Not exactly same sitch, but I avoided contact when I knew that I couldn't handle myself. And on the one or two occasions I backslid and let my emotions get the better of me it was not good.

You want your H to see you as a strong confident person who will be fine with or without him in your life. And you need to be that person.

That's my $0.02.