I keep bringing up things like him not wearing his wedding ring and the necklace I bought him. That is a huge downfall with me..I can't shut up!
What things do you keep doing that aren't producing positive results for you, but you keep doing them anyway, just because you KNOW that you're right?
Mind-reading and assuming. I Always KNOW what he sees, thinks, means and expects!!! That will be my hardest habit to break. I can't just take his word, I have to blow everything totally out of proportion. ARGHHH!
More of the same behaviors are what got me back here so I am working extra hard to correct that. When I start assuming or "wondering" I scream "STOP" inside my head (wouldn't want to do that out loud in public! Hee hee) and force myself to focus on something else. I do best when I keep busy.
I have STOPPED going down those cheeseless tunnels. After rereading this chapter I found out why I'm not getting anywhere, duh! So I have stopped it; quit calling and reprimanding H for things he hasn't done. I just hand him a bill and zip my lip! I find by justing being his friend and showing him I appreciate what he does for me, with words and a hug, helps a lot! So I'm learning to put the stop sign up! Deb
-Snooping -Over-analyzing -Talking about R -Asking H to move back home
What things do you keep doing that aren't producing positive results for you, but you keep doing them anyway, just because you KNOW that you're right?
Same as the above, really. But to get more specific, I continue to bring up the OW. I want so badly for him to just talk about it so I know what happened, know what went wrong and know what is going on now. But he never talks, so I continue to push. Then I over-analyze his not talking and his cell phone addiction and lack of interest in coming home and conclude he’s talking to her again. And the cycle continues…
What things might you be doing to try to fix the problem, that may just be making things worse?
Easily the R talks that I continue to try and have with H. They clearly aren’t working but I continue to try different approaches with the R talks to get him to listen. He isn’t listening no matter what I say.
What are some of the things that you are doing that may seem perfectly "logical" to do, but aren't producing "effective" results?
R talks, being honest about my feelings, trying to persuade H to come home, trying to figure out what is wrong so that I can help make it right.
What are some of your "more of the same" behaviors?
-Crying -Jealousy -Pleading -Guilt-tripping
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
What cheeseless tunnels do you keep going down? Mine was up until recently wanting him to stop watching so many sporting events on television...he's a sports' junkie and was when I married him...I need to learn to deal with it and find ways to keep myself happy.
What things do you keep doing that aren't producing positive results for you, but you keep doing them anyway, just because you KNOW that you're right?
I used to argue and talk and talk and talk at him....it didn't help... Now, I don't argue...I ask for help finding a solution to our problem or disagreement...or I agree to disagree with him.
What things might you be doing to try to fix the problem, that may just be making things worse? I tried to get him to go to counseling, church, have family nights....it just alienated him more. So, I started going to church, counseling, and making the most of our time together instead...it's working like a charm, I might add!
What are some of the things that you are doing that may seem perfectly "logical" to do, but aren't producing "effective" results? LOL...I was not very logical ever...was very emotional and very emotion driven. Since I have learned that I have no control over him...only over myself...I'm getting better results.
What are some of your "more of the same" behaviors? Again, this would have been begging him to stop watching sports, do things with us, go to church with us, go to counseling, etc....
My do something different approach is to do things I want to do with or without him....and look great as I go off to do them....with or without him...peaks his interest and he's starting to want to go with me to different things..and has even woken me up on one Saturday and suggested we go to garage sales...my type of thing, not his!
Thanks for Sharing Alaska! You have offered some good suggestions/ examples on what you have done. I have also started going to church and trying to do things I want to do. I need to add some things to my agenda to keep busy.
I have thought about going to the library on Saturday morning and reading all day. H might get a little curious if I dress nicely to go to the library as well.
Kerri
Unsure? Confused? Afraid? Have you ever considered that's just the way God wants you? Sometimes, He does His best work when we don't have a clue. At times like these, all we need to know is that He does!
Quote: What cheeseless tunnels do you keep going down?
I keep asking why he hasn't called, asking where he's been, who he's been staying with...
Quote: What things do you keep doing that aren't producing positive results for you, but you keep doing them anyway, just because you KNOW that you're right?
Assuming that he has an OW, not believing what he says about why he has no time to talk, assuming that he just simply doesn't love or care for me...
Quote: What things might you be doing to try to fix the problem, that may just be making things worse?
Asking him to come back, giving him guilt trips to get him back, telling friends about the separation and how I feel about it (calling him a bastard and whatnot), calling him when he told me he would and didn't....
Quote: What are some of the things that you are doing that may seem perfectly "logical" to do, but aren't producing "effective" results?
Trying to keep in touch with him, initiating the friendship?
Quote: What are some of your "more of the same" behaviors?
Pestering him at all hours even when I know he's tired and needs to get up early(I can't sleep at night these days), acting jealous without evidence of OR, being whiny in general (I really seem to be unable to stop)
Please help. I don't have my DR book yet because I am overseas and it takes a million yrs to get here. I have been reading the boards for a week now and get an idea of what to do but still am lost.
I have been married for 2 yrs. I am 27, my husband, 29. He recently got out of the army and has been starting his own biz. Our marriage has been slowly dissolving into us mainly ignoring each other for fear that we would fight. We would normally fight over small things which were actually deep seated resentments/issues that had been unresolved (accusations that I didn't really love his parents, differences in religious background(he's Catholic,I'm Protestant,neither of us attending church regularly), my not being able to quit smoking when he's a health nut, my feeling that he's been too controlling). These fights would involve lots of yelling of hurtful things such as:
me: "you never loved me as i was" "you never make time for me, your financial success is more important"
him: "you are selfish and don't care about family" "i don't trust you to be the mother of my kids" "you're a liar"
My husband and I have been living apart for 2 months now. He left when I confronted him about the fact that we hadn't slept together in a couple of months. He said he needed time to think with the limit of two weeks. I tried not to call very often but ended up calling him every 3 days or so. We met at the end of one week and he said he needed more time. We met again at the end of the 2 wks and he said he still didn't know anything. At that point, I asked him to go take as much time he needs to figure out whatever it was. It was driving me crazy to think he needed time away from me but I wanted him to deal with it 'now.'
He stayed away and decided he needed to take some things. He told me he would stay with a friend. What I hadn't thought about was the fact that his friend was a divorcee. 2 wks later, we met at a restaurant and he told me he never loved me and had wanted to change me from the beginning. He thought that it was OK at the time, the feeling of wanting the person you are with to change. He said he had wanted the challenge. He wanted a separation. I asked if it was a separation until we work things out or one until we get a divorce. He replied it was the latter. I played it cool and we started to discuss what he would take and how much of the bank acct would be turned over to me(half). I took it pretty well until he said he didn't want to tell my parents himself and for me to please deal with them since he loves them too much to tell them. I then proceeded to lose my cool and told him he disgusted me for treating me this way, how could he say he loved them when he said he didn't love me, didn't he have the calls to tell them, blahblahblah... Basically I went ballistic which made him say "and that's why we can't be together" I then cooled down after going to the bathroom and apologized but the damage was done.
Since then, he hasn't really called and I only called him a couple of times about phone bills in my name and the returning of my parents' car which he had been using. Our recent interaction was over email since he hadn't been picking up my calls (about those matters) but I also wanted to address the issue of dating while separated... mostly because I feared he was having an affair. This is because he's been acting so out of character, unlike the responsible, caring, passionate man I had married. He replied that I should go ahead and date and what would I like him to do. I told him that I thought it should be his choice (not wanting to give him permission) but then he replied that he wanted to know if I was planning on dating so he could ready himself for reality(??) and he would let me know if he found anyone. I replied that I wasn't and we should close this topic since I now know that he is open to it and will let me know.
Over the last email we also discussed being friends. I brought it up and he seemed to agree to it but said that it would be tough. He promised to call the next day and didn't. I called him the next day after, and told him I just called to make sure he was ok since he didn't call when he said he would. He said he was sorry, he was busy, I accepted it, he promised to call on the weekend and I hung up with the excuse that I was at work.
He didn't call. I waited til 11pm on Sunday to call him with the intent to give an ultimatum(started to) but decided against it. Instead I asked if he really did want to be friends and that he didn't have to agree to it. He again seemed a bit reluctant but agreed. I said that if we were to be friends that he would have to call when he said he would (I don't demand that he call, he offers) or leave me a msg that he won't be able to. He agreed and apologized for not having done that. Then I told him maybe we could just talk on the phone for awhile and see if that would be ok before starting to meet up to have lunch or something. He thought that was a good idea. We just hung up a few hours ago and I can't sleep.
I feel horrible and needy. I realize the mistakes I've made and the hurt I had induced but still feel that I've been neglected and underappreciated for sacrifices I had made. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to behave and I feel like everyone around me is saying just let that Ahole go. But I just can't. I love him and didn't mean to do those things but he is deadset on believing 'we aren't meant to be together' yet will not talk about divorce papers. I refuse to bring up the divorce as I don't want things to end.
I criticize his brother . . . whom I have zero respect for. Thanks so much for posting this question Johnjames. As someone above said . . . Keep em coming! I need to shut my mouth and not react at all when his brother is mentioned. Is that correct? I understand that I need to never criticize his brother again . . . but do I just ignore any topic involving his brother??????
