Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I feel so lost and so tired

So far today has been mostly event free. She was out for breakfast with friends so I was home and had breakfast with our son. I made sure I showered early and got dressed and didnt stay in my pajamas. When she got back, she said 'hey, why are you all dressed up?' And I just replied 'I am?' And she said usually I'm just in pajamas and unshowered on Sat mornings. And I just jokingly replied 'Hey..I'm not allowed to shower and be dressed? And we kinda just left it at that. I'm guessing and hoping that whole thing was a good thing for me.

And something else I noticed which I don't know if it means anything. But back on Valentine's day, I did get a big thing of roses for her. I said it was from me and my son, but of course she knows it was from me. But I know she did like the whole bouquet. But the flowers finally all dried up and died, and she got rid of the flowers, but took the ribbon and heart decoration from it and saved them and added them to this display she has with decorations on it. I don't know really what to make of it cause she could be just saving it cause she thought it looked nice. But of course my mind is hoping that they were saved cause they have some sentimental value. And I'm pretty sure she saved any of the letters that I wrote over the past couple months when I didnt' know about not pursuing. Not sure really what that means either, or if it means anything.

But she left around 3pm again to meet up with other friends for a dinner B-day party. All I did was just tell her to have fun and wish her friend happy bday. I'm trying to play it cool, but inside my heart and my head I was totally thinking that she is just going out with friends cause she is getting ready to move on and have a life without me.

We are in such a similar sitch. Just keep what you are doing and learn from my mistakes. You can read my post earlier but I broke down and did everything wrong today. Keep up the detachment but don't be cold as I have been and I am afraid it just made her mad. I now realize it and will continue with the space without the coldness. Just keep listening to the experts and even to re newbies like me and learn from my mistakes. Keep it up and good luck!

None of us ever do.



Scattered thoughts are normal.



It's typical in your situation - if you read around you'll see the same thing in different forms here.



I too suffered the same thing - not responding to her complaints about help around the house. Although I wasn't totally missing from it.



Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see. This is typical script for a WAS. Most often it is true. They have buried their feelings and built a wall around them.[/quote]



I got the same speech.



This is re-writing the past. Typical script. I got the same speech too.



Don't chalk it up to anything. Just let go of it as if it was never said. It means nothing.



Don't try focusing on improving yourself. Just DO it. Stop the pursuit. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Even if you are thinking about it but not physically doing it, then it will still ooze out of you and she will read it. I did this very same thing for a long time. It took her telling me she wanted a divorce for me to actually drop the rope.



Here she is telling you what she needs - time and space. Give it to her.



You will see the role reversal happening alot. It's typical. I saw it in my situation in alot of different ways.



It is hard, but necessary. You need to find the strength. Find it like your life depends on it.



Just give her space. Don't think about giving her space. Just give it to her. No physical contact is normal. Don't yearn for it or she will feel that pursuing. You think you can hide it, but you can't. You have to get to the detached mindset. It's very simple, but so hard to do.

I wrote this on my thread a week or so ago:





You know EXACTLY what you need to do. You wrote it a few times above. DETACH and GIVE HER SPACE.[/quote]



Forget about her noticing. Do it for you - because it makes you a better person. It has to be for YOU and not some attempt to get her to change her mind or feelings.



Here you are trying to:

1. Guess the future - what does it mean long term if she stopped MC? No one can answer this - you would need a crystal ball. And I haven't found on yet. So let go of this thinking. Mental masturbation.

2. Mind Read - You can't know what percentage she is at either way. You are trying to read her mind by listening to her words and actions. Drop this also. Again, mental masturbation.



Go find those answers. Then change. But change for you, again, not to change the sitch or her thoughts or feelings. It has to be about YOU.



Same as everyone else who finds themselves here.



Again this is all about her. Her thoughts, her feelings, her caring or not. Drop this thinking. It doesn't matter right now. You can't read her mind, you can't control anything in this except YOURSELF - your actions/thoughts/feelings. Work on those.



You need to talk to someone. Start individual counseling for yourself. Be wary of family - they will only want to see you stop hurting - they may not understand fully what you are trying to do. If you have someone you can trust, then talk to them. Stay away from talking to her family about it. Don't use anyone to 'get' a message through to her. She will only resent it.



Just focus on what you wrote here. Become that man she fell in love with and more. Do it for you though. This isn't about saving your M. This is about saving yourself no matter which way the situation goes.



Keep posting. Journal your thoughts and ideas. Don't do anything until you post it here and get feedback from all the great people here. Keep your mouth shut and don't get baited into R or M talks. I MEAN THAT. I made this mistake too many times.

Journal your everyday stuff if you don't have anything else to journal. Especially post if you feel you have backslid or made a mistake. You won't be perfect, but be very cognizent about what you think about - your thinking will drive your emotions, and you don't want to act from emotions.

All I can say today is ..'Why me?'

After all this with my marriage...I got layed off today at work. The axe came down hard today and I was one of the unfortunate ones.
But I called my wife after I packed my stuff and was driving home. I was feeling really down, but my wife was all positive and really picked me up. Things like this really make me love her even more, and kinda feel more sad that we are in this sitch that we are in.

I agree with steady, you need to do things for YOU not her or the M. Try IC or find a support group in your area as both outlets can help.

Lately, nothing new has been happening. We each do our own thing. I did have lunch with her the other day and we did alot of talking. She mentioned some things that indicated that she has realized that there were things that happened in the past that she always seemed to blame me for weren't really my fault. And that she realized throughout her life that she always leaves a little door open to escape things when it gets really hard. I'm wondering why she is telling me this. But she had to get back to work so we just had to end it.

But then this morning while eating breakfast, she asks me about how my first IC session last night went and if there is anything that she needs to know about. I said no there wasn't. Then, out of the blue, she asks me if I think we could still remain friends later on. My heart sank inside. I tried not to show it and just replied I don't know.

I said sometimes I don't what she is thinking and asked about the things she mentioned at lunch the other day cause I got the impression that she has resolved some of those issues. She says that she is figuring out why we had issues and how we got here. But that she is out of love and so she is analyzing the past so that it won't happen with another relationship. And that she doesn't need anymore counseling about anything. And as you can imagine, I'm feeling like I'm getting punched in the gut at this point, but trying hard to not show it.

Right now, I can't help but feel that me trying to focus on myself and giving her space is just letting her detach herself from me even more, and that the only reason she hasn't just filed for D is that she is just waiting for me to give up.

Its been a few days since I last journaled cause of computer problems.

We took the son to see my parents last weekend, and had to act like everything is fine. I feel like its such a lie cause it isn't. But I don't want to tell them anything cause I don't want them to dislike her or have negative feelings about her. And now they are already worried about me being layed off from work now too. So I don't think I'll say anything for now.

But the other day, my wife asked if we could talk a little. I didnt' know what to expect. But she asked what are we going to do about this whole thing. She says she feels like we are in limbo now cause we still live together but so far nothing has been set in terms of whether we D or not. Again, I told her I don't want a D. Again, she tells me that she doesn't feel love for me and doesn't think she'll ever feel it again. And that she is 'healed' from her IC and self soul searching about what happened with us. And she can't see herself with me because of all the baggage and negative feelings from before.

So from there I tell her that she really isn't completely healed if she still feels that way toward me, and that there is obviously some resentment toward me still in there. And maybe that is a block on why she can't seem to 'let me back in'.

She asks for a timeline/deadline on how long we should keep doing what we are doing, cause she doesn't like this living in limbo status. I tell her that if we set a deadline, I know that she will just be killing time till then to get it over with because thats what happened with our MC. She set a 6 session deadline, and actually only made it to 4 before quitting.

Then she suggested that she move out, and I said we can't really afford it right now. And she agreed. She said she could live at her sister's house and just come visit our son on the weekend. And I asked if it would be good for our son, and she said probably not. But then she, not me, suggests that maybe we just live like now, I don't bring up anything about our R, and we can try to get a babysitter every week or so, and try date nights again.

I was happy to hear that, but at this point I dont' know if she really means it. I mean, she's not willing to do anymore MC, so I don't know if she even really wants to try to see if she can find feelings for me again.

But then again, last night, my son and I called her around 6pm, to see when she would be home for dinner, and she said that she was about to call and tell us she would be going to dinner with a friend. I was kinda annoyed and slipped alittle, and sounded disappointed on the phone. And I even asked when she'd be home and with who she was going to dinner with. But its cause I feel like that she is trying to live like she is single, where you can just do whatever at the drop of a hat, but she can do it cause I'm here to watch our son.

If she is running late, she asks me to take our son to daycare though she usually does it cause its on her way to work. And I pick him up everyday, so she now comes home whenever, or has last minute plans for dinner with other people and calls to say she isnt' coming home for dinner at the latest possible time, and after I already made dinner. Or she has to meet friends for breakfast on the weekend, and just goes and leaves me and our son at home. I mean, I don't mind staying with my son, cause it's my son. But it feels like me trying to be a good husband/person is allowing her the freedom to actually pull farther away from me.

I'm still trying to just focus on myself and becoming a better person for myself, but I tell you.....it's hard. I miss her so much. I was really feeling down last night cause I was missing her so much, though she was in the same room.

Start making dinner for just you and your son, or go out to dinner alone with him on days she doesn't say she's going out. When she asks questions, say something like, well since you usually have plans, I decided not to waste food or time by making dinner for 3.

I thought about doing that too. I think I'll just expect to cook for me and my son only from now on. If she wants dinner, she'll have to call me to let me know when she's coming home, else she can reheat the leftovers herself.

I just remembered...this coming weekend, we have a babysitter and we are going to a comedy club to see one of our favorite comedians. I don't think it's really a 'date' but we just happened to see that the comedian was in town, and decided to buy tickets.

Is there any special way I should approach this? Just pretend we are going as friends, or should I approach it like a date? I just don't want to screw anything up if this is a chance to gain even an inch.