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You're much healthier than I am Kenn. I did see a counselor both with xBF (twice) and then continued on my own. It was great to have a safe space to just vent and the counselor was really on my side in the whole sitch.

However, I did also vent to family and friends. Now I am faced with what to say to these parties now that we most likely will attempt to reconcile. I am worried what they will think of me for taking back a cheater/liar. I am not worried what they will think of xBF. That's up to him to care or not, to repair those relationships or not.

So I recommend stick to venting to your therapist and here. It just makes things easier.

FWIW, I did not have a good experience with DB coaching. She did help me identify things about me I didn't like and wanted to work on. However her advice about dealing with xBF just got me in a worse position emotionally.

pearlharbr,

Not so! (healthier) I've been following your thread. You sound like you have a plan and others are stating that too.

The concerns you mention about friends. You use that same confidence with them that you are with xBF. Like you said, this is your decision and you decide what you want. Your real friends will support your decision and the others we don't worry about. Friends care and they don't want to see you hurt. That factors into their point of view sometimes more than any real thought to the situation and sometimes when they walk away you leave their thoughts completely. You will live with your decision. I think you are really strong in this. Hang in tough. Like I say you have a lot of approval going on in your thread, be proud of the stand you're making

As far as me healthy ...argh! But I did get a boost of confidence the other day drinking a martini when an atractive woman checked me out Honestly I was doing really well until my Friday event. It sucked me in big time. I didn't see that coming. But we all learn. I should have paid more attention to other peoples posts

Well, I have had my share of backslides that's for sure! You just have to pick yourself up and resolve to do better in the future.

I wasn't really successful with detachment until I decided I'd had enough and was really done. So I don't know how to do "loving detachment." What I do know is that things turned around when I realized that I need to take care of me first because no one else is going to. When I really dropped the rope and let xBF go and only focused on myself and my future, that's when he turned around and realized he made a mistake.

The attention from the opposite sex definitely helped me get through the rough spots. I think the best part was realizing that there are plenty of fish in the sea and I still have a knack for fishing.

And this is very controversial here but I will offer my opinion: I think xBF thinking I was dating other man/men really got him going. Some people want to retain the moral high ground here and not even have the appearance of dating. But I'm in a different position in that we are not married and therefore when I kicked him out I became single. Now I did not ever tell xBF I was dating, but he certainly made the assumption by seeing flowers around the house every time he came over. He has not asked me directly so I have not told him whether or not I am/was seeing someone else.

For me, being friends and being the better option in hopes of winning xBF back simply did not work. It had a terrible impact on my self-esteem and wasn't getting me anywhere. When I was true to myself and told him the A was not acceptable to me and I would not tolerate it and kicked him out, then I was able to truly achieve PMA.

Getting off my soap box...

It appears others would agree with you there and in my last experience some 15 years ago (unfortunately when I was dating my now stbx :} ) - I would too.



I love this... might put it on my fridge with the other quotes I have collected. I'll give you full credit of course.



This one is a struggle for me. Honestly, I don't know that I really have a moral high ground here. I live in a state that you have to go through a year seperation if you have kids. We still have not formally signed a seperation agreement so sleeping with someone would put my self in a weak position if a custody dispute ensued (according to attorney) but I don't see that happening.

I guess the thing that really bothers me is that I come from a divorced family and nowadays it seems like the majority of my daughter's friends all have step parents. My wife told me in our first divorce argument that "it's ridiculous to think people should have to be with the same person their whole life". I understand that could be giberish or she could really think that.

So really I don't want my daughter to think its okay to jump out of a relationship because it is easy. Of course I do admit that right now I just don't have the urge and had a lot of other things on my plate (goals and having daughter on all my days off). With those all taken care and the desire coming back who knows.

Do know even though my daughter wants me to date it will be a long time before she ever meets anyone I am dating.

Yep, as far as our situations go - having kids make it easier sometimes and sometimes they make it harder But that is the way of life. I know with her the good far outweighs the bad.

Kenn, please don't misunderstand me.

I am not advocating dating while you are still married. I said xBF thinking that I was dating caught his attention. There are deets somewhere on my thread, but I never dated someone else nor did I tell xBF I was dating someone else. I bought myself flowers and he jumped to that conclusion.

Of course with the custody issue looming you shouldn't do anything that would jeopardize that. And I'm not saying you should do anything that would confuse your daughter in any way about what is the right thing to do in a marriage. But I do think there are ways around it to imply something to your W without D picking up on it.

Again, just my $0.02.

Don't worry PH, Talking electronically many times is taken out of context.

What I do and when I do it will be my decision and will be at the right time and for the right reasons.

The honest truth is I am confused. Call it weak - I will call it confused.

Saw my wife last night at my daughter's piano recital and she looked fabulous. Talked to her for five minutes and hated her.

Talked to her today and she was pleasant. I think she is going to DC and will be meeting her OM.

Went into the house to get some stuff where she told me it was for our daughter. Saw a packet that I gave her for relocation and picked it up to see if she had filled it out yet and under it was a card from the OM.

The honest truth is that I am fighting with myself. Do I really want this person back? If so why? Why am I being nice to a person that killed my family and dreams. Is it because I think I palyed a big part in it and fell guilty? Is it because I don't feel like being with anyone else right now? Is it because I am just tired.

Part of me wishes I could take my daughter and just leave..the other part tells myself that my daughter needs two parents in her life.

I'm conflicted and quite honestly it is mostly about me. I am over analyzing myself and judging myself. Shoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep doing what's best for you & your D, Kenn. Do you have any fun plans with her for the weekend?

Yeah we're going to Orlando for spring break. She is stoked.

Thanks for asking

Kenn,

Your thread caught my eye and I decided to check it out. Read through it and had to comment on something Pearl said about her xBF THINKING she was dating someone else.

In my sitch, my W went to see a mutual friend about 2 months ago that told her that I was meeting lots of people, men and women, making new friends, etc... etc... The next thing that happened was a LONG email from W saying that it was clear to her now that I was happier without her and she's very UNhappy and she did not want to hold me up any longer and I should just move on. SO those thoughts do trigger some things in a WAS. Right now, I am not sure if I reacted correctly to this.

What I did is explain to her that yes, I am happier now, but that's because the separation forced me to make myself happy without relying on her for that, not because she's not there. I also explained that I do make lots of new friends now, but I am not interested in dating anyone right now. I guess what I am wondering is that maybe playing complete hardball and say OK, if you think that's best, then go ahead! But I feel like that would be playing roulette with my kids' lives!!

Anyways, all of this to say that a little jealousy could put some movement in the sitch.

Kenn, not sure if you'll check in while in Orlando...Hope you're having/had fun!

I don't think you're weak at all, not for a second. Confused, yes. But everyone gets confused. So stop beating yourself up.

I have gone through and continue to go through the same confusion, wondering why I am going to give xBF another chance. Honestly, I would be perfectly happy to walk away right now. I don't have any feelings for him and feel confident in my plans for the future without him.

When I started here, I just wanted xBF to give us the chance to see if we could work things out or if we would be better off apart. And I wanted to know that I did everything possible to save the R before walking away with my head held high.

If I walk away now I will be happy but I will know that I didn't do everything. So I will try. And I'm afraid he will end up hurting me again, something I never want to go through. But in trying to not make choices out of fear I have to take that out of the equation and move forward anyway.

Take a break from thinking and worrying about your sitch. Hopefully you can do that on your trip with D.