Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rough and Ugly Four Months going on LIfe

Kenn,

I am going to ask you one question and once I get that answer I will come back and respond.

Do you want your marriage to work?

Hey Kenn, So it sounds like your move is good & positive in many ways!

My thoughts on her asking you to fix stuff. I guess I don't see it as manipulative. If I asked my H to fix something (& he actually did show up to do it), I would feed him as well. For me it's called pride. In a way, it's kinda like an even trade (even though it might not be even as far as the actual work is concerned). She also layed her pride & being vunerable on the line. How would you feel if she only asked to you do something & never gave any kind gesture back? You would probably feel used. But I don't know your W, so I may be wayoff target. Personally, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. She doens't have to, but she wants to - you don't have to but you want to. Or if you do mention it, maybe in a light-hearted way. Who won in that deal anyway?? You because of the nice dinner & company or her because something was fixed. I'm going to guess you got the better end of the deal!!

So are you & your W living in the same house??

Hi T2SP,

The short answer - yes

Long answer - All the other stuff complicates life. As I continue through this process I learn everyday some new lesson. I wasn't as great a husband as I thought but it's also not all my fault. At this point she hasn't really done anything that wasn't driven partly by my actions or lack of and I would forgive it tomorrow but know that would be a struggle.

I would love more than anything to be with the wife I had up till 1-2 years ago or with this woman in new relationship. No desire to stay in the marriage I was in for the last year. But I now know that part of the marriage was ugly because it was falling apart and we didn't have the skills to work on it.

But in reading more and more about this, and I think it is a little MLC for some reasons (obsession with income, obsession with her looks, lack of nurturing to our daughter, desire to change surroundings, job and family), I wonder if I have what it takes to stick it out. Every time I think i need to move on for my own sake she throws out some kind of hint that there might be a chance for us. I guess my problem is not the lack of will power but the fear that I am misreading the situation and would be tying for something that just isn't going to be there.

MsMelancoly,

Thanks!!! This is what I get from the people on these boards and my friends - different perspective. In truth I was hurt because I thought it was nice she was inviting me over and when she asked I felt that if she didn't need stuff fixed she would have never invited.

She has invited me before but fewer and fewer times as the seperation progresses.

We live about 5 minutes from each other. The decision has kind of been accepted that we will co-parent our child. We'll see how that works out as we go forward. I think the move to CO will change things drastically but she confuses me on that one also.

T2SP,

Additionally, In truth when this first happened I was scared. Like many others, I was scared because I am 46 and wouldn't find someone else, might lose my time with my child, lose friends and family and I wanted to save my marriage for all those reasons.

As I have gone through the last 4-5 months I have gained my confidence back, rebuilt my self esteem and have my daughter as much as I could hope for in this situation (I have her 1/2 the time. I would take her more but would never try to take her from her mother) And now I realize I miss my wife not because I am scared. I know I could meet someone else and will be happy. Now I miss her for all the right reasons her laugh, kindness, strength, internal beauty BUT that makes it even tougher to realize that person may be gone to me forever

It takes 2 to make a marriage work and it also takes 2 to mess one up. You are right, it isn't all your fault.



Marriage is a trial and error process. Sometimes we just make more errors than can be fixed. Now YOU have the skills and know what has to be done but it is hard to get them to understand what is going on and work on themselves. They don't see things the way we do. They just want out and use any excuse to do it. If your wife is in MLC then it can get real bumpy fast.



You need lots of patience. Dig deep down and pull all your strength out because you are going to need it. I dealt with my stbx's MLC for 4 years. I do believe he is still in it but I have learned there is nothing for me to do. I gave it all I had. It can be done. Make sure you give lots of space and work on yourself. I know I have become a better person thru all of this.



Your wife may do this because she needs a security blanket. She isn't quite ready to let go but is afraid to hang on also. Don't look at it as "moving on", look at it as moving forward. You are going forward with your life and if she happens to cross paths down the road then that is great. In the process you are working on yourself. You can only take it one day at a time. Don't think too far in the future. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Just keep doing what needs to be done. In the end if things work out then great. If not, you can say you did everything you could. All you can do it try.



We are all scared when our lives are turned upside down. I was the same way. I was afraid of being alone. I will be 42 this year and felt I would never be happy again. Their is happiness if things don't work out. We make our lives what they are. If things don't work out with your wife (which I hope they do) then don't fret, there is life after divorce. You don't have to lose family or friends. I understand about losing time with your child. Just make sure the time you do get to spend with her is fun. It will all work out in the end. Have faith. As my name says....stay positive.



That is a big step in itself. It took me a long time to build my self esteem back. It actually took a few people from the DB boards to help me do it.



You will always miss the good things about your wife. But you know what, you may not have to. It is still early in your situation. You have plenty of time to work on things. Detach, get a life and live for you right now. When she sees you doing this it will intrigue her. If you sit home and she knows you are waiting for her then she knows she has her cake and can eat it too. Give her something to think about.

It is a scarey situation. I am waiting for the judge to sign my divorce papers. That is the only thing left for me then I will be divorced. Am I sad? Yes. Not sad that I wouldn't be with the man my stbx had become, but sad that the man I married would no longer be with me. He is not himself and I don't want the man he has become. I've met someone and I am happier now than I have been in a long time. Doing the only thing I can do as of now, taking things slow and living my life for ME. I still just take it one day at a time.

You will survive this.

I'm sorry, I don't find that funny. You're practically hand-delivering her on a silver platter to a PREDATOR, and I'm shocked that hardly anyone else has even commented on it.

Puppy

Hello Puppy,

I have followed your situation and gleemed a lot of your advice you offer others. That's respect not flatery. And you're right.. it's not funny. Sometimes people cover up the tings that bother them by joking about it.

In a nutshell I guess you could say that I have chosen my daughter over the prospect of my wife.

My wife (I strongly believe) has already visited this person she calls a friend at least three times.

The history is that I have worked shift work my entire life and it has put a huge strain on our (daughter, wife and myself) quality of life. My skill set is very specific to a specific industry and without an engineering degree it is difficult to get off shift and move onto a normal schedule Monday-Friday, weekends and holidays off.

As it stands I interviewed here and did not get a job however the hiring manager recommended me to three other managers one of which was in Denver. I asked my wife if she would be willing to move there. Unfortunately the Denver interview happened first. When they offered me a job the other two pulled out. So I am left me with no choice between her or there. So I could sit around trying to find something here or go.

The job is an awesome oppoetunity that people wait half their lives for. It will make me a happier and better person. It has helped me regain my self esteem. It will give me more time to be a father to my daughter. It will give me time for myself as I have currently chosen to take my daughter on every one of my days off.

The dark part is at present due to the laws my wife normally would not be able to take my daughter out of the state. If she chose to leave - the court would say leave the child - until she points out that I work shift work and could not take my daughter full time. Then the court would let her take the child. While I believe the last thing my wife desires is the stress of being a single mother, it is very possible since her next promotion will be to move out of state. This job will prevent that scenario because once there if she wants to leave I will be able to take my daughter full time.

So yes the LOL comment is insensitive to the people on this site and I probablly should have refrained.

As far as delivering her up - that is something that bothers me every day but I have lived in fear of losing my daughter since this all broke and in fear of my daughter growing up with one parent who currently acts so selfish it affects my daughter. It may sound and be close minded to other possible options but this move is to protect my daughter and if I am not able to save my marriage then my daughter was worth it. She had nothing to do with this and had no choice in it. She doesn't deserve it.


Like I said, I value your advice and some has already helped me. I would love to get more. Hopefully this explains my struggle.

T2SP,

Thanks for your responses. They help more than you know. Every day gets better.

It's a struggle to experience moments that feel like normal and then catch the moments that are like dealing with someone that acts like you purposely tried to hurt them.

Thanks for sharing yours with me.

Hey Kenn, This is your thread so you can LOL all you want. I didn't & don't have any advise about OM (don't feel comfortable or knowledgable to give that). I guess, I read between the lines & assumed this new job, like you said, would be best for you & your D. T2SP, learned a lot from your post, thanks for sharing!