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Ok, thanks guys. You are being very supportive and I appreciate it. You won't believe this but she called again. I let my daughter get it. She was bringing the dog back. Apparently she didn't think the dog could stay the night as it was too excitied.
She sat down next to me and asked me if I was ok and tried to make light conversation. I gave her short answers but I didn't ask her anything and I didn't cry in front of her. She asked for another hug from me and lingered for a bit and then tried to joke with me on the way out. Who am I fooling--she could see plain as day I'm hurting---dammit!!!! I don't know what's going through her mind. It must have been something really bad that she did for her to leave her daughter behind. I don't get it. I really don't get it. I actually was feeling good today until that phone call. I worked out twice--I can actually see my abs now. I caught a woman looking at me in the gym-- that was cool. How can I ever respect this woman again if she won't even tell me what she did and won't even face me. She ran from me and her daughter---if she doesn't face this and try, I will never respect her again. I will refuse to talk with her unless it is about my daughter and I will be cold about it. She needs to come to reality really really fast.

I have left multiple ways for her to come back. She only needs to tell me what she did and ask me to come back. I will forgive her and accept her back. She only has to try. The problem is she doesn't want to. Almost 40 and it looks like I'm going to have have to start over--I never thought in a million years this would happen. I'm going to try to go to sleep. Thanks again guys.

Well, I didn't get much sleep last night. I feel so numb right now. I'm tempted to cancel our date on Sat. Any thoughts on this?

If she feels so guilty about what she's done then why is she acting like I've done something wrong? Comment's like, "I think you've cheated on me before"--probably to justify what she's done? She's working out like 8 times a week also--what for? An attempt to make herself feel better? Is she in pain? What is the deal? She told me last night on one of the phone calls that she and I were totally different people then before I left. She is no longer kind and generous, apathetic about everything and just generally doesn't care. She said, I can see that you've changed too. I don't know what to think.

Wow, got to work and there's an email from her from yesterday saying that someone is interested in our house if I want to sell. She's trying to control me, isn't she? It seems that way and she doesn't even live there. I mean with the phone calls, poping over when she feels like it, etc. it just seems like she's trying to maintain some level of control. I thought she wanted to be alone. If that is the case then why is she constantly contacting me? And I can't shake the visions in my head of what she may have done--evil, evil thoughts. Probably gonna be a long day. I hope it's a longer day for her. She did not call this morning so hopefully she is feeling some kind of guilt. The funny thing is, I don't feel guilty anymore--I'm just hurt, disappointed, and tired. Weird.

AF,

1) Don't sell your house if you don't want to, or aren't ready to (either financially or emotionally). That's a huge financial decision, and you get to have a say in it. Don't be bullied here.

2) RE: your date this weekend. It's certainly your call, but I wouldn't want to go on a date with someone who is, we can reasonably assume, cheating on me, won't talk to me, accuses me, and tries to bully me. Don't be whiny or pouty about it -- just make plans to do something with some male friends, and do it.

3) RE: her accusing you of having an affair. While this is entirely SCRIPT, I don't think you should leave it hanging in the air, unaddressed. I would answer her on this -- JUST ONCE -- saying something like "I would never do that; I take our marriage vows very seriously. I don't know what you've done, because you won't tell me, but please stop accusing ME of doing something just because you're feeling guilty about something. Now don't bring this up ever again."

4) RE: "control." Yes, she probably is. A huge part of her life (her marriage and her own moral code) is OUT of control right now, so she's probably trying to exert control in the other areas of her life where she feels she can. Again -- don't be bullied in these areas.

I think your plan for the next four days should be one of pulling back. Do NOT keep asking her to tell you what she's done. Don't initiate any talks in this regard, but if it comes up in CONTEXT, then just say something like "You know I want to know what you've done, and you also know that I said I could forgive you, but I'm not going to keep begging you to tell me. When you're ready, I know you will, but for now I've got some of my own things I want to work on and accomplish." (and if she asks you what those are, tell her "They are are personal.")

Puppy

Puppy,
Just looked at my bills and I am NOT selling my house right now unless I just get something so outrageous that I cannot turn it down. I am seriously contemplating cancelling the date. My heart just wouldn't be in it. She accused me of having an affair a long time ago while I was in Iraq. I told her that I hadn't--it came back to me last night that maybe she was trying to justify what she has done--whatever it is.

I think she is trying to control me. I don't want to shut her out right now as I want her to feel like there is a chance for us but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. I haven't started any relationship talks--she has started them all--have I asked too many questions?--probably. These are some good lines though--I guess I'll see what she says today if she even tries to contact me. I hope whatever she does she gets herself right quickly. I can't take much more of this.

Mark,

"Loving detachment," done properly, does NOT equal "shutting her out."

What you want to convey is "Hey, I'm busy over here, getting a life, and I really don't have the time nor the inclination to get into a bunch of negative R stuff with you right now, but if you want to talk, I'm sure we can set up a time soon to do that. See ya -- gotta run."

(these aren't words you SAY to her, but rather an aura you want to project).

Puppy

PLEASE Listen to Puppy,

That said, I would quickly, make plans for Saturday night. Tell her that matter of factly that you need to go out with your boys, or whatever. Even if no one can go out with you, go out by yourself, go to the gym, but make it appear that you are too busy to go with her anywhere until she is ready to speak. You can even ask her if she can watch your daughter and if she can't, maybe the two of you can do something special. I swear to you with how she is acting it will not take her long to start to "spill the beans".

Go through Puppy's list and follow it. This is going to be very hard, but I guarantee you it is the right advice. Be strong, you can do this!

Burt

All right, I thought about this and as much as I want to go out with her Sat night, I'm going to have to cancel. I think I need some sleep. So depressed right now. So disappointed. Wish I knew what the fix was. I'm sick of being alone so I don't think I'll ask her to watch my daughter. This is tough coming up with something to do when I'm so used to just staying home and all my friends are married and pretty much just stay home. I hear what you guys are saying about a marriage being able to overcome something like this and I want to but she doesn't. UGGGGHHHH!!! This is so hard not having her. I loved talking to her and being with her. I miss her so much and for the life of me cannot understand how she can just drop me after so long.

Here is something that you need to work on. It's possible that she is "bored" with that lifestyle. My W often complained that we never did anything.

And it's true, I never took the time to romance my W. I was too busy with career and the kids. I took the relationship with my W for granted. Look back at your M and ask yourself; what did you do WITH my W that made her feel loved and the most important person in my life?

I've realized now that we must continue dating even when we're married.

I'd encourage you to go ahead with the date. Not so that you can talk about what she did (which is probably slept with someone and was cheating before she left), but to start to show her that you aren't a pushover. But you should only go if that's what you are able to show. This desperate, "OMG OMG!" stuff won't be attractive. Control your emotions, with meds if you have to. This isn't over by a long shot. You can show her that you are physically, mentally, and emotionally able to cope with anything and she might be more inclined to open up. Quit pushing for her to tell you this stuff. If it doesn't matter to you whether she slept with someone, then no use dragging it out of her. Just go with the flow. Enjoy yourself. No pressure here...whether she comes back or not isn't up to you, so just be yourself and figure you have nothing to lose.