Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers True Love or True Fog? Part II - The Fertile Void

A day off from work - thought I'd clean and relax a bit but oh no, my L calls. Says H's L called a few weeks ago, they've been playing phone tag but he finally got through - H's L wants to set up a time to start "negotiations". My L says negotiations? We're required by law to go to mediation. The L secretary asks why? My L had to say "because we have counterclaimed!" Sounds like my H has a real winning team there.

My L is now sending me a copy of the Financial Declaration. I know H has supposedly been working on one since he filed but apparently I have to do it too. It's a real bear. He also suggested setting a mediation date for April.

So now I've got to get all my ducks in a row. I need to decide if I should pursue adultery or wait to see what comes of mediation and I have a hundred questions for the L. The L I retained in September, hoping, praying it would never come to this.

I've heard about the two different parts of a D - the financial D and the emotional D. I still to this day can't believe my H is plowing ahead with this. I can't even believe he can afford his L. Perhaps since we haven't even seen each other since August it will be good to sit down in front of another adult and lay all the finances out - they're a mess. Maybe if he has to face what he's done (or hasn't done) for the nearly 2 years since he walked he'll, oh, I don't know, start to wake up?

The emotional D - that's the killer. I wonder if I can ask in mediation - "H, what really happened? Are we never going to talk about it? Am I never going to have closure? Are you really going to sign off and never even attempt a reconciliation? Are you prepared to never, ever, see me again?"

Or is mediation strickly for financial discussions?

Hells bells what a nightmare!

Ok, since I completely shut down after my L called today and I can think of nothing else, I'm going to stay here awhile and vent.

What I want:

1. I want the OCD, ADHD, Catbitch freak out of my H's life
2. I want to move out of this house, closer to my job
3. I want H to move back here, pay all the bills, take care of OUR dogs, renovate, show, and sale the house all by himself
4. I want at least 70% of the sale of the house
5. I want permanent alimony for the pain and suffering caused by his abandonment and adultery
6. I want to wake up and find it's all been a terrible nightmare

And some other thoughts:

Last summer when we were still talking H stated "this is not about her" (very loudly I might add)

So can't I ask for MC to see what exactly it is about?

But then he also said, "OW and I fit, I can't imagine a future without her"

So it is about her, shouldn't I go ahead with the adultery charge?

Hey Silverfox, I dont know what to advise you, its very sad, 20 years is such a long time, just want you to know I hear you and how sad you are right now.

One thing.. my ex said to me also "its not about her"... but he is now dating her (met her at work May 07?? Left Nov 07, begain dating her Aug 08).. so, basically, of course it is about her and it isnt that he's lying, its the guilt and feeling so bad.... they cant even admit to themselves that that IS why they left. I accept it IS why my ex left (he believed it was something he wanted/something he just had to do).. but I also understand that he cannot bear to admit that to me, perhaps not even to himself.

As for the list, I like that you want him to move back in and take care of things (why should you?) chances are he wont/cant though, so you may be setting yourslef up for a painful fight there, still worth asking if you feel strongly about it.

I'm not sure what you mean by "permanent alimony".. but I'm not sure its good to going after an ex financially, when really you are hurting emotionally. Just claim whats yours, morally, and walk away with your head held high??

Thinking of you, this all sucks and I feel for you as your H really did just walk out and hasnt even attempted to be your friend. As for mediation, why not ask whatever you feel you need to?
Al xxx

Thanks so much Ali,

I've been trying to keep up with your sitch too. I must say my list was a venting list. But it's a starting point - interesting to see them in writing.

I am allowed a certain amount of ailmony due to our "long term" marriage. Just claim what's mine? I think that can happen nicely when both parties want out, when there's been problems for years, when they both agree the M should end - basically a 50/50 split and everyone's happy.

H has a PhD and has a much greater earning potential than me. I helped him get that degree by working 2 jobs so he could focus on his studies. Now he has an OW (aka Catbitch - 12 cats remember?) who also has a good paying job -someone who can help him out financially if he needs it. And he will, since he's close to maxing out three of his credit cards, oh, and making the monthly payment from our joint bank account. That's called "wasting marital assets".

Just want to make sure he and his L are aware of all this - it will make for interesting conversation at mediation.

You're right, it sucks!

{{{{{{{{{Silver}}}}}}} I am sorry that you got whammed with this on what was suppose to be a relaxing day off..that totally stinks!!

You know, the financial part of our separation agreement honestly has been probably the toughest part I think because I Didn't expect that part to be such a problem..there are so many little nuances and things I didn't think about financially..sigh..it's very draining to me really almost more than the emotional!!

As far as the alimony, I know here, in NC, my lawyer is saying "ask for a lesser amount but for a longer amount of time", like even upwards of 10+ years..I know you are allowed at least 1/2 the time of the marriage, in your and my case it would be 10 years..

As far as your list, some of that I'm like "why the heck can't Silver have her hub come take care of all of this crap..like getting the house ready and stuff..heck yeah sister!" I would definitely bring some of it up..

{{{Silver}}}} YOU are good to make a list, start weeding thru and be prepared..but again, I hate you are having to deal with this..blah..reality sometimes stinks!

Tawnya

Thanks Tawnya,

L emailed me the Financial Declaration form - 5 pages long. But if it will show H just how much he will need to buy me out and how much he has put us in debt financing his "freedom" well, bring it on.

A friend told me she heard on a lawyer radio talk show that you should take a lump sum alimony instead of spreading it out over the years - due to the economy. If hub loses job or his salary changes those alimony payments could be put on hold. Something to think about.

I think we need a thread that addresses just these issues.

Silver..good point..in my hub's case, he couldn't give me a lump sum and I'm better off, in my particular sitch, to let it go the way we have it..or I suppose we have it, when hub can ever get the sep agreement to me! Could your hub swing that for you and would it work better for you..if I were you, I'd really push that let hub deal with all the house selling crap while you go and get somewhere else to live and not deal with it (but that's just me!)

That is a good thought..I think it's almost different in every case isn't it?! It has always amazed me all the $$ my hub has spent since this "freedom quest" as begun..LOL..

Tawnya

Who am I kidding? There's no lump sum H can give me - he's a teacher! And will be finished with this particular job in mid-May (because he didn't apply for tenure because he fell "in love" and that's all he could think about). If he doesn't get a new job soon we'll both be out on the streets.

Gee my anger is getting the best of me. I need to shake it off now and go to bed. The venting has helped though!

Hi Silver, stopping by {{{hugs}}}}
Liked your list. Similar to mine. L said today to ask for MC is not worth it because both parties have to be agreeable to it. I was thinking more road block for D proceeding.

I am trying to get everything that I can because H has driven himself into a financial hole and my thought process is I need to protect the assets we have saved together so if in the future he returns we are not wiped out. I am not trying to be a gold digger (unlike the OW), but i am the only one thinking logically out of the 2 of us.

Take care of your heart. I know how stressful this is. breathe

Hi Silver,
Thank you for stopping by my thread.

I truly love your list!

Big (((((((SF))))))) to you!

Love,
MIP