As I reflect on the weekend I'm seriously starting to wonder if she's trying to play me.
I know I'm not supposed to THINK, just DB, but it is a concern.
I'm flirting with the idea of starting a talk w/ "I was thinking about our discussion last weekend" and then saying that I think there's really 2 discrete pieces to this divorce (since that's clearly what she's still interested in): the kids and the money.
While I absolutely agree on total cooperative work with respect to the children, on the money thing I just feel that I might be out of my depth and think that, at this point in time anyway, I'm going to reserve the right to consult with a professional who will have a fiduciary responsibility to me personally.
I think it sounds like a GREAT conversation and a great way to handle it, when she brings it up again. I can't figure out a positive to you bringing it up.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
As I reflect on the weekend I'm seriously starting to wonder if she's trying to play me.
I know I'm not supposed to THINK, just DB, but it is a concern.
I'm flirting with the idea of starting a talk w/ "I was thinking about our discussion last weekend" and then saying that I think there's really 2 discrete pieces to this divorce (since that's clearly what she's still interested in): the kids and the money.
. . .
Thoughts on that strategy?
I'm with whomever above said "OK, but DON'T INITIATE it."
I do think it's a valid (and pretty consistent) DB strategy that when they start talking legal/financial, you have a stock answer like "I think that one's better handled by the attorneys."
All: When I said "starting" I meant "starting my half of..."
But that's not what's on my mind at the moment -- man I just had a major backslide!
WAW called just now and was really sad. And she said that this is all her fault and she should just stay and then she'd only have the one problem -- being unhappy married to me -- instead of the dozens of problems she's going to have by leaving and the harm she's going to cause the kids. And I am absolutely confident she wasn't gaming it; she's not that good of an actress, by WAS or any other standards. This is a strong woman who rarely gets upset, so I recognize it when I see it.
And she sounded so sad, it broke my heart. I don't know what happened. Here I was DB'ing my arse off and all of a sudden I felt sorry for her.
So was I surprised to hear myself say, "No, I don't want you to stay and miserable -- I like you too much for that." It was like someone else talking with my mouth!
Now on reflection, I suppose it's true -- I wouldn't want her to be miserable and I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone who was miserable being married to me, but DAMN I was so caught off-guard by that moment of pure reflection and, I think, first-time awareness of just what she's doing.
Why didn't you say "can you at least give me the chance to show you that you MAY NOT be miserable and unhappily married to me...just one more chance? Aren't we worth that to each other?" It may have worked while she was vulnerable like that. But who knows...it might have turned against you.
SP - I see and sense that your wife is backing down a little bit....HOWEVER....some of the sadness you are hearing in her voice may have to do with her "other" situation, if you know what I mean. That might work to your advantage, though....
The truth isn't always the worst thing, IMHO. Willing to truly let go of her to hold onto yourself is being a grown, independent, noble man. By this, I DO NOT mean that holding onto yourself=pride or withholding love to save face. I DO mean that holding onto yourself is staying true to the fact that you will not accept living in a marriage in which your spouse is miserable because of you. Good, I say.
She could possibly have taken your response as you don't care enough, you're "letting" her slip away, or you truly aren't convinced that you are her man. I don't see why you couldn't briefly explain what you just wrote here (the part about you truly not wanting to live with a miserable spouse) in a loving way, just to be sure that she is clear that you are still "all in" this marriage.
If you think it should/could be said, you can still something to the effect of what DQ suggests (one more REAL try). Again, IMHO (and I MEAN *humble*).
Stay and be miserable? Why is that the only option other than leave? What's wrong with stay and be happy? You can do it. You just have to be willing to try. That's when you bring up a Retrouvaille weekend. You don't have to commit to the whole thing at once. You go to the weekend -- it's less than 48 hours. And you see how it goes. Then you decide about the rest. That's what we did. And we've never looked back!
Sara, that's been my story all along, practically from the moment the bomb went off. But the response is the same -- I can't imagine that. But then she'll almost inevitably say, if I could take a pill and feel those feelings again, I would.
Damned pharmacists -- why don't they invent something useful for a change?
