Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Mindblank #3 - Dumb, Dumb, Dumb....

PMA:

Hi there! Thanks for posting.

I've been thinking... ever since I read your post this afternoon...

By disrespected, I'm assuming you mean the "dress" incident and the "where ya been?" incident at the fundraiser... (?) I'm not sure how well I explained it, as I can't read it while typing here, but, I reviewed the dress incident with my friend. She didn't give a second thought to it... She thought he really didn't know it was a dress, and reminded me that he's not the type to give a conventional compliment. His comment about not being able to miss me in that dress, was probably his way of showing his notice of it. And, the "where ya been" moment, was a few comments, that she knows were a result of him trying to bid on us a vacation home for a week this summer, and I was nowhere in sight to be able to talk to about it.

NORMALLY, I would NEVER have reacted that emotionally, HOWEVER, couple those moments, with the "battle fatigue" that Sandi2 brought up, and things not progressing quickly enough for my patience level, and you get me, in tears, now desperate to settle this in my mind/heart, etc...

So, YES, he was an a$$. YES, it never would have happened had I not made a big deal of it. YES, I need to learn to let this stuff roll off.

I just haven't figured out how yet, and I'm not sure what to do about that.

I agree that I need to establish some acceptable behavior boundaries with him, though. Like I said above, this is not behavior that is common... HOWEVER, it shouldn't be uncommon either. It just shouldn't be.

all right then...so what makes you so sure that "this is for you now"?????



oh it's there..we all go through that...



do you actually think you are alone..would you like me to tell you about hurt??? Hurt to the core??



I don;t think you put up a good fight with those emotions really...I think you're riding the old roller coaster when you should be standing outside the coaster and smiling at his ass while he zooms by..even snapping pictures...

smile and wave boys...smile and wave..



there's plenty to do..

GAL
focus on you and the kids..

but if you're planning on doing something to save your M..well good luck with that...all that you do or attempt to do..he will smell it a mile away..WAS's are like that...



and waaa laaaa...we have a winner...but can she do it?? that is the question..

"it is what it is"

MB,

Glad to see that you're still in the battle!!

A lot of things your H says sound sooo familiar to me! My W too, has said multiple times in the past that she was thinking about just driving off the road and into a tree so that everybody would be better off... That kind of stuff is very disturbing! And, of course us LBS's want to help the WAS! Especially since we still love them. We don't understand why they would want to kill themselves, when all we want to do is give them love!?? It does not make sense! And, as someone else said here on this board: Don't try to rationalize the irrational! Just validate and say that you feel for them and that you are sorry they feel that way. Try to pick up their spirit a little bit by complimenting them on stuff, or highlighting the few positives they may actually see in their life. Anything is good, just don't talk about the R!! Let your H know that you're there for him when he feels down like that in a non pressuring way. I have had to do that on numerous occasions and you have to genuinely want to help them feel better regardless of where your R might be going.

With regard to the "dress" incident: the comments from H that evening were of course uncalled for and insensitive. However, being completely, and maybe bluntly honest, in his current mindset, these things are to be expected. He's not the H you married right now, head over heels in love and noticing how great you look every time he sees you. Unfortunately, at this time, expecting a compliment is setting yourself up for dissappointment. Don't set yourself up that way. You probably looked fantastic!! But don't expect anything from him to confirm that. When your friend compliments you, absorb that and think to yourself: "I look great! And he'd be crazy not to want me! I could find someone else in a heartbeat if I wanted to! His loss!". I know that thought sounds cold and seems unloving, but you are not detached until you can actually think that. The truth is that that doesn't mean you are not in love with him anymore, it means you have made a CHOICE to still love him even though you COULD find someone else (but you don't want to). You see, you're opening other possibilities for yourself, which gives you options, which makes you not feel cornered anymore. That's where you need to be.

Another thing I would try to avoid is hang around him at these kinds of happenings. Mingle around and talk to as many other people as possible, introduce yourself to new people you don't know, make friends introduce you to their friends, etc... Those things all help:
1. make you not think about your sitch all the time
2. make you realize how many friends you have that you can rely on if things don't turn out the way you hope
3. make you take the pressure and pursuing off of your H
4. make your H wonder about you.

These are all good things!

Keep the faith! You can do it!

MB--

I read something recently by a woman who was once in a situation similar to yours. She said that when she would get dressed to go out, and her husband was unappreciative of her effort,s she would simply acknowledge that God loved her, He was walking with her, and He appreciated her efforts, no matter what her husband said. their marriage has been restored. It was in a book by Dr. Ed Wheat called Love Life for Every Married Couple.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

Hi MB. Welcome back.

Sorry to hear of you being that down. I think it's to be expected though, don't you? Sounds like you do and sounds like now that you've blown off some of the pent up emotions, you're moving forward. Glad to hear it. You're a fighter, no question.

Something that I read in there disturbs me. The suicidal tendencies stand out. When somebody talks about stuff like that, it's usually a cry for help. Because people that mean it, do it. People that want help talk about it. Your H sounds like he is in between from that description. Depression. He may not know why he's depressed, but it sure sounds like depression to me given your description.

Any chance you can get him into a psych? If you're not seeing one yourself, you should be (or a counselor if you prefer to call them that) and ask them their opinion.

Any talk of suicide should be taken seriously in my opinion.

I think you did what you did because you let it build up for so long. I do not think you need to explain it to him more than you did. I'm not sure that a boundary is the thing to do for now either. I think SM is right that you need to get your strength elsewhere. It won't come from him. He's not capable right now.

AJ

Has your husband seen a doctor(start with a gp, routine check up that you secretly tell the gp his suicidal thoughts) lately, he sounds like he is clinically depressed. This change in your husband could be a chemical imbalance and not really his fault.

Also, with your sitch, he may not want to go to get diagnosed because in his mind you are the "crazy" one and that would ruin the justification in his mind with the way he acts toward you.

Burt

Mike, we will see. I'm pretty much starting from scratch, which sucks, because he knows my playbook (up to a certain point) now. I'm focusing, first, on my kids, then on my job (an extension of me!). I guess if I just keep busy, I'll be less likely to worry about H and us. First step, I guess... Just letting it be...

Sam: You are a SMILE! If you were a dog, you would be a cockapoo (we have one, I know, and he makes me smile all the time!)!

Thank you for your words.

Maybe I should just stand in the mirror, singing, o~/ this is why I'm hot... this is why I'm hot....

LOL

Thanks for the smile!

SMW - I'll check it out. Thanks for hanging in there...

AJ - Thanks.

The opposite of love is indifference. I see glimpses of that, in between the normalcy and anger... Not sure if that's good or not.

The "words" he spews about suicide are disturbing. I will say, though, he's always been a "word" thrower, with little follow through. Sure would suck that this is the time he's NOT! I can't even imagine how I'd get him to a therapist. He won't give me five words on the state of his being, let alone discuss his need to talk to someone about clinical depression.

My friend gave me an idea though (and she doesn't even know what's going on). She was telling me about "The Secret" and the power of positive thinking, law of attraction, etc... I thought it sounded like a crock (I even motioned to my other friend - jokingly - like I was smoking a joint, while she was explaining it!), until she gave me examples of how it's helping her (and she's a devout Christian...). I just liked the positive message about it. Open to suggestions... I may get it on tape, put it in his car on Sunday night (when the kids and I leave for four days to go with my best friend to their condo on lake), and not say a word. I really want him to be ok mostly for him, but just as much for my kids (my boys are still young...). Right now, this has very little to do with me. I just want him happy.

I have seen one therapist once who almost made me hurl.

I will keep a close eye on things, as I really think he's just a yeller when he's mad, looking for the thing that would have the most affect on me. I don't think he'd do anything just prior to D17's graduation (he adores her, she's his StepD since she was 3) and he's helping her plan a huge party here w/tons of friends, on our boat boathouse and yard; and S12's 6th grade graduation.

Pray for us.