Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newly separated...spouse left.

Good morning. These are difficult days for me, and my heart is broken because my wife and I are separated. She told me back in early January that she was going to move out, and I was shocked. I cried, pleaded, tried to reason, chased, tried to use guilt, and did all of the other things that people who are getting left behind probably do. I lost my self-worth and my dignity in doing so. I wouldn't have felt like I had done everything in my power to keep this from happening had I not done these things though...this was how I truly felt. And I now know that these things only served to push her further away.
We have been married for nearly 18 years. We have 3 children, ages 19, 12, and 11. I am 47 and my wife is 40. She is a walk-away-wife. There is nobody else involved. Her 1st night in her new place was February 22nd. Our smaller children are spending equal time with each of us. Our oldest has her own apartment. I helped her move, but I have still had trouble letting go. We would still talk on the phone, and text, even though she was often mean and rude. She has gotten more mean and rude over time. She now doesn't want to talk, or text, or even see each other when we hand off our kids to each other. "I want you to leave me alone." She has told me all along that she needs space and time. It's been a difficult thing for me to do. I know it is the best thing to do, but it's extremely hard nonetheless.
I have had no direct contact with her at all since March 24th, and this has been the longest period of no direct contact since she moved out. We mostly communicate through our children now. I do not believe that she wants to divorce.
So now, here I am, living in our home, from day to day. My heart is broken and my spirit is troubled and I am in a state of despair. I love my wife and I want our marriage to be restored. Again, we are "sharing" our children. I have read the first chapter of Divorce Remedy. I have been in counseling for nearly 8 weeks because I am working on myself to become a better man, a better father, and a better husband. I have lost a lot of weight and I am exercising regularly. This is a hard way to live.
I am more committed to my wife and our marriage than I have ever been. I have made many mistakes...I took her for granted, made things too hard on her, and we argued a lot...mainly over stuff that didn't really matter. I didn't fight fair. She said from the beginning that she needed to get away from me to reestablish her identity. She also needs to heal from the pain that she has felt over the years, and maybe even get to where she can start to forgive me. She knows that I am truly sorry, but says that it doesn't make up the years of pain and unhappiness.
I earnestly pray for the restoration of our marriage, and I am doing everything that I know how to do to improve myself in the mean time. I spend as much time with our children as she does. I need to be strong and steadfast, and I also need to not despair or give up on our marriage. I am looking for advice and support in coming to this forum. Early on, after she told me that she was leaving but when we were still talking, she said that "it was gonna take some time." She didn't want to have any serious talks or be asked about our relationship or be asked about our future. She didn't want to be asked about anything...she would go ballistic if I did.
We were separated since around the beginning of last December, although we continued to live under the same roof until she moved out. She is incredibly angry with me still. I am trying to learn to live under these circumstances. Any help, advice, or support would be tremendously appreciated. God bless all who are experiencing challenging times in their marriages.

Why is she angry with you? Has she really "felt pain over the years," or could she just be re-writing marital history here?

Did she ever come to you over the years and indicate the seriousness of how she felt?

I'm just not seeing any major faults big enough here for her to have suddenly just walked away, and to be so angry with you, unless there's something you're not telling us.

Are you sure there's no one else?

I'm sorry for your pain, Antlers -- I can feel it in your words.

Puppy

She is angry with me because of our arguments over the years; I would get mad and call her names...I didn't fight fair. She always said that I didn't know how to argue. I took her for granted, I didn't appreciate her the way I should have, and I said many mean things to her over the years. Believe me...I was a real a**hole...for reasons that had nothing to do with her. I had my own insecurity problems which I overcompensated for by being angry, and unfortunately, vented my anger at my wife. Yes, she really has felt pain and unhappiness over the years. She is rewriting marital history to some degree in that, she is only seeing things through a filter which only shows the bad and none of the good. Yes, she did come to me over the years and indicate how I made her feel...and my anger directed my feelings and responses. I really didn't know that her unhappiness and pain were as severe as they were though. There were some big faults there on my part, just as I have described, but I don't think this was sudden. I think she thought about it and has been planning it for some time. I didn't realize at the time just how bad I was messing up. Now I'm paying for it. After I decided to change, and got rid of the anger, and apologized, she said she wished that I had made these changes sooner. She had already come to feel the way she did/does. I am sure that there is nobody else. Thank you for your response. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I hope I don't lose her forever because of my stupidity and hard heart. I miss her very much, and I hate it that our family is broken up.

Then all you can do is show her "the New Antlers," and that will have to be demonstrated consistently, over time. It's been said that it takes one month of solid DBing/GALing/PMAing for every year that you've been married, in order to begin to effect change.

Right now, she doesn't trust you, and trust can't be TALKED into being -- it must be EARNED, by ACTION, over TIME.

Puppy

Hopefully, I can. It's hard. Patience and perseverence. I'm working on fear, stubborness, poor listening habits, ego, etc.. I hope that over time she will forgive me for not being the husband that she needed me to be. And I hope that her hurts will heal. I have messed up during our marriage, and I have messed up during our separation...but hopefully it's never too late to start doing what is right. I believe that the hopes and dreams that we shared when we got married are still worth fighting for. I do choose the pathway of irrevocable committment to my wife and our marriage. I am certainly sorry for my insensivity and unloving actions over the years. I'm going to treat her with unconditional love, dignity, and respect. But I absolutely have to stop any desperate and demeaning behavior. It's no good at all. I can't give in to despair, and I won't give up on our marriage. I know that it's hard for her to believe that I can change and act differently in out marriage. She may think that if I do make some changes that I won't keep them up. I'm determined tio show her that I can change, and hopefully, she'll give me the chance and she'll see how serious and committed I am to do my part to help improve and save our marriage. My attitude is to honor, cherish, and respect her by giving her the space and time that she says she needs. I hope God will give me the strength to do it. Where there is great love, there are always miracles. Thank you for your response.

And if there is positively no OM; this is your best course of action at this point.

I truly believe that too...but it's incredibly hard to do. The loneliness for her is overwhelming. Thank you. Your advice is so appreciated.

antlers..

as a WAW from a verbally abusive man.. I have felt the things I hear you describe your wife as feeling.

She doesn't believe any changes you make right now. She is hurt beyond words... to the point of numb & if you scratch the surface there is unbelievable anger. She has been ignored, betrayed, disrespected and demeaned by the man who vowed to love, honor & cherish her.

We doesn't get over that in a few short weeks, nor do we believe changes that are made in those few short weeks are made for 'the right reasons'. There is no 'logic' you can use to dissuade us from that... debating it, promising it, doesn't cut it for us.

Compassionate, kind, respectful actions that are clear, concise, consistant, & regular.. that gets our attention eventually.

Patience.. lots & lots & even more patience. I would recommend you find & read the book "Love without Hurt" by Stosny.

He says even AFTER the changes have become habits, consistant & regular.. it's 6-9 months for a wife to begin to really trust they are true. and any backslides during that time.. the clock starts over.

good luck & patience
Peace
Bridge

Bridgestone...I was verbally abusive. I was an idiot. My wife would have walked on fire for me, and I didn't appreciate her for the special person that she is. I am sorry for every second that she is unhappy and hurt because of the way I treated her. She has been all of the things that you say, and I am sure that she feels absolutely the way you describe. I do believe that time and space are what she desires most right now. I must be patient and strong, and continue to work on myself. She doesn't seem to want any actions from me right now, but hopefully in time she will appreciate compassionate, kind, and respectful actions from me...and I intend to be clear, concise, consistent, and regular. Thank you so much for your response. Your particular insight is appreciated. I am standing for the restoration of our marriage.

antlers.. I'm happy to hear you taking responsibility & seeing it through her eyes. That is a huge step.

As I read your last post one thing jumped out at me...

so I will give one other word of advice.. and maybe this is just me 'splitting hairs' but from what I have read from other dissatisfied WAW's ..

don't make reference to a 'restored' marriage.. we don't want the old one back. New beginnings, new relationships, new interactions, etc...

not 'going back' or 'restoring' anything.

good luck
Bridge