We talked a few weeks back about trying to be amicable in our split, and we wanted to make our decisions away from an attorney to save money and make it more reflective of our true wishes. She met with the attorney after asking me to attend, I took a pass as I described in previous posts. Should I ask her how it went or ask what was discussed. I am nervous she is close to filing and although we discussed how this would trigger a legal fight that neither of us wanted, I think she is trying to line things up as quickly as she can. Should I just continue doing what I am doing and try not to encite a conversation? I am a little scared I will come home and get served. I feel like if we talked, she may see this is in neither of our best interests. Feedback please...
I found out thru a friend that my wife did file yesterday when she met with the attorney. It has been 7 weeks tomorrow since she told me she couldn't do it anymore. I had asked her for a few months so that we could get our finances in order and start agreeing on how to split. I guess she just decided to do it. It feels like I am losing this one. I haven't even had time for her to notice any changes on my side and it looks like a runaway train. I feel like blowing up at her and letting her know that she just triggered a legal fight that I told her we could avoid if we wait to file until we have agreement. My emotions are telling me to call my attorney and go full bore at her. Any feedback that can talk me down? I need some help.
So yesterday my wife tells me she is missing credit cards from her wallet. I ask if she checked in the car, her jacket, with the kids etc. She said it is obvious you took them. So I told her I didn't and dropped it. Today she comes home from work and announces she found one in her purse and says that she knows I put it there. I told her that I didn't want to do this in front of the kids. I asked her why she thought I would do that, she said "because you are you". I told her that I didn't and was glad she found it. She has been doing this for the 14 years we've been together. She will lose money or ID or whatever and then say that it couldn't be her that something must have happened only to find it where she left it. I don't want to argue, but I also can't stand having blame placed on me unfairly. Not to mention that she has been guarding her purse like fort knox since this has all occurred...there is no way in the last 24 hours I could have had access to it. But from her side, one more nail in the coffin. Any help?
If your W has always been careless with her credit cards, money, etc., but unwilling to except the blame for her own actions, it says to me that she is very immature or about to go off her rocker! Just refuse to get pulled into any type of conversation regarding any of her things like that b/c as you saw, you cannot win the battle. There is one thing that I feel very, very strongly about and that is the adults fighting or arguing in front of the children. I would tell her before she has time to throw another one of her fits that this will not take place in front of the kids and when she has anything disagreeable to discuss with you (and especially if she is going to "blame" you about something) to have a place in the house away from the children (like the bedroom). It is devastation for kids to hear their parents doing this sort of thing and very wrong.....just plain WRONG for adults to not go to a private area to doing their fighting. You may even have to take her by the arm and tell her in a very firm low voice that the conversation will continue in the bedroom (or wherever) but not in front of children. She probably won't like you taking her by the arm and may even accuse you of being brutal.....so maybe you shouldn't even touch her.
I just think she is "losing it" and you need not worry and put any value into what she says. That is blunt, but it is just the way I see her.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the feedback. She has always been scatter brained about stuff like that. She is now thinking that I am doing things to sabatoge her. I have taken it to mean that she feels guilt over how she is conducting her life and since she is lying and going behind my back with an OM, she is paranoid about everything that I do. A guilty mind assigns guilt to others.
Any feedback on the wife filing thread above? I don't want to blow this one, but need to have an idea of what this means to my DB'ing...
No specific advice on the filing but what others with way more knowledge and experience have told me when I've asked the same question -- it just doesn't matter. DB on! Until the judge raps his gavel, you're still married ChiTown!
Thanks. Along those lines, how do you start the process of who gets what and how etc., and still come off like a nice guy? It seems to me this is going to get pretty messy...I think step one is to contest and try to get some arbitration which should say that since this dropped out of the sky 7 weeks ago, you 2 need to go thru some extensive councelling before we can figure out the division of assets, maybe?
What's your story Smileys? It sounds like our bombs went off at the same time.
how do you start the process of who gets what and how etc., and still come off like a nice guy?
You don't.
There's either mediated divorce or divorce court. In mediation, it is said, things go more quickly and more smoothly. In court, you lawyer-up and they have at it. It all depends on what the stakes are. WAW and I know a divorce attorney who has literally had clients who took furniture to pieces with a chainsaw rather than let the other have it. Okay, that's a bit extreme.
But there's no point in falling on your sword when it comes to dividing up the goods -- she's not going come to her senses and say, "Gosh, he's letting me have the side table -- my knight in shining armor!"
It's going to come down to valuation -- how much you want X, how much she wants X, and what the possible trade-offs are.
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My story? The usual one. After months/years with an undiagnosed case of DAMS -- dumb-ass man syndrome -- WAW dropped the bomb after I got back from a business trip. She loves me but isn't in love with me. She built a wall. She can't stay for the kids. The misery, the agony. She HAS to do this -- it's her only chance at happiness. Oh, and disregard that guy in Upstate City that I text and e-mail and fantasize about all the time.
I could have written your story. I too was out on business and when I got back it was over. I found that her OM was an ex boyfriend that reconnected with her thru facebook day 2 of my 2 week business trip. By the time I got back, they had figured out that it was done. She too started with I married the wrong guy, I don't think I ever loved you, she wants to have a chance at happiness while she still can, etc. Took me 2 weeks to find out. It's week 7 for me and I am fairly sure she filed this past Thurs.
