Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Partner left after 9 yrs - I finally detached!??

Hi Ali, sorry x didn't reply but don't let it spoil your week end away.

Why are you moving btw?

funny naej, I was wondering the same thing.

Why are you moving Ali? Are you renting the place you are in now? Closer to the sea would be nice, I'm sure. A small cottage by the sea......*sigh*. Sounds absolutely lovely.

Personally, I'm thinking I'm going to run away from home, why don't we do that together?

Hey girls..

Well, I dont want to, but I cant afford this big ole house on my own anymore (yes, rented and he chose it over a smaller, cheaper cottage). So I set up viewings on 2, smaller, cheaper, cottages today, nearer to the coast, but cheaper by about £175 a month than where I am now, which will make a big difference.

Also, after looking at phds and Masters and stuff, today I started the application for a PGCE/PCET, which is to be an FE lecturer, or Adult Ed trainer (or to get QTS to do the study skills/disseration help for students, which is incredibly well paid). So, no harm in applying right, but it feels strange, making plans alone, but then what choice have I got? Plus I may have to move to do the course and no idea how I would afford it on top of my already towering EU butter mountain of debt, but I would find a way, I usually do.

No word from him, but thats not surprising. I will have to see him next week I think, for my sanity if nothing else. I wish we could have a 'closure' convo like Julia had tonight (and a perfect day for it, being the New Moon linked to Venus squared to Pluto, trust me, it was a good day for it) but I didnt get mine today.

Feel a bit wierd going home as I had resolved to see MIL this time, after the nice letter she sent me. But, that will be hard so I'll see. So another week goes by without seeing him and now its nearly 4 months.

((Al))

Sounds like a great plan on moving then. If the house is too big for you and the cat, then certainly get out of it. Move wherever you want! Do whatever YOU want! That is the beauty in the situation, right? You can make all your decisions without having the consult - brilliant!

So, dumb question I'm sure, what is an FE lecturer?

Hey Mish.. FE is like post 16, college (but not Undergrad), but really I wanted to be an adult trainer, or student mentor/study skills/dissertaton tutor.. I think. To be honest, I dont know what I am doing, just puting one foot in front of the other and keep on living, but its like wading through concrete and it doesnt give me any joy. Yes, theres been nights out, laughter, the odd bright spot, but I can honestly say, I havent actually felt happy since June 2007, when he started to switch off and I began to realise something was wrong. Kalni referred to it as a cloud over her heart I think and thats how I feel, I'm just surviving, not thriving and certainly not the carefree, happy go lucky person I was for many years before.

Sorry to whinge, its a bit hard being home here without him, as always, so many memories.. I went in a pub today (now a coffee house) where we used to go for drinks after work back in 1996, sooo many years ago. Now I am sat in there, drinking tea with my Mum, a childless spinster of 38, wow, what a difference the years make. I cannot say I am happy about it.

But then I went to my BFFs house and nothing there bothered me (and there are things about her H and issues that would have in the past) but I am not so nervous/neurotic/fussy anymore and took everything in my stride. For that I am grateful.

But.. although I am doing things for me, I dont see that as a beautiful situation or brilliant, sorry! thanks for trying though Mish. I like you have a alot of words inside me since he did this that I am ashamed to admit, but yes, despite 15 months of C, I still feel "worthles", not good enough, wrong, boring, annoying, like I failed, drove him away, lost the most precious thing I had been so lucky to have in my life for all those years. So.. thanks for letting me download that, I have been chating and laughing al night, acting as if. My BFF is also quit depressed, like me and she knows as I know she is, but theres only so much of that you can take and the rest of the time, you have to try and drink wine, eat chocolate cupcakes and pretend you are ok...

I seem to have become a bit of a 'mask wearer' like my ex. He has turned me into him.

Tommorow, I see his oldest BMF W for drinks, we are very close, but we dont talk on the phone ever.. so I havent spoken to her since Christmas. She may have met Helen at NY, but will also know what she is like, as she is friends with SIL and ex's brother and I am intrigued to hear a different opinion, instead of hearing it just from Cher and G.. sorry, I know thats frowned upon round here but I am curious and anyhow, thats me, nosey !

Ali, sorry about the cloud, it will get better and easier. Maybe it is not so much to be seen as a mask but as a "faking it til you make it" attitude-that way the outcome has a more positive senorio.

I know you have huge debts as you have posted maybe if you are moving it might be a good time to try to at least reduce them. I know its not the best time to sell but I see the expects say it is never going to be what it was before so maybe releasing some of this pressure will be a good thing,especially as you are at a crossroad for choices.
Freeing yourself from past commitments,releasing yourself from being obligated to xb/f (re c/card debts) and that will leave you better able to plan.

It in no way pushes b/f away or closes doors.

It will also rid or be a great help to you of this feeling of being worthless and taking active steps would be empowering and perhaps make x see a bit of the girl he left behind. A strong resourceful woman who is confidently taking charge of her life.
Anyway just a thought.

Hope the rest of your time away is relaxing and enjoyable.

Hi Ali,
I haven't posted to you in a while.
I think it is too hard for them to see us, especially when with OW in their lives.
It causes them confusion and major guilt issues.
They spend so much time shoving their feelings about us so deep down, that to actually see us would cause them to have doubts about the bad choices they have made for their life.

Ali, do you really want this Man back in your life?
Could you trust him again?

Just curious...

Enjoy your weekend!!

And when all else fails, Cadbury's is a fantastic source of comfort with a nice cuppa

((((hugs))))

Hey Naej. No the flat was always 'my' project anyway, so no great shakes to sell it, but I am doing so at a loss, so adding to that debt mountain unfortunately And yes, fake it till you make it!

Hey BND, thanks for posting! Thanks for the comments on OW, I thikn you are right.. and do I want him back? Yes, sadly, the universe feels 'wrong' that we are not together. I just saw his oldest BMF's W tonight, she actually said that we were like "hinge and bracket" (a UK double act) and that she would love us to get back together. Everyone I know feels this way, his friends, my friends, family etc. So yep, I do.

So.. saw exMIL today.. was hard, but I am glad I did. I took her flowers, she gave me tea and cake and we nattered for an hour and a half and it was fine. We didnt really mention him, except to say she hasnt seen him since Xmas (yay, he hasnt been back home with her ! So in fact, he's only been home once with her since he started seeing her in August I now know!). One good thing is, she kept going on and on about how good I looked, how healthy, how in fact, she'd never seen me look so good in all the years she's known me !! So.. hopefully that will get back to him!

So.. then saw J tonight, his oldest mates wife (who I get on v well with). We had a more honest chat than at Christmas.. I said.. so I suppose you know now, about the skiing holiday.. and she said, yes, that someone else was there? Turns out, she didnt want to say anyting about Helen last time as she was worried i would be devastated and she though what is the point, as she would 'bet money' on it not lasting. So found out:

She I was right, she didnt spend NYE with him! She must have been around for a day or two after Christmas though, as J and her H, BMF bumped into them in a pub. So they did meet her.

She said she was a nice girl.. but not right for him. It was obvious it wasnt loves young dream, or any kind of romance, in fact, you couldnt even tell that they were a couple and she seemed more like just a mate (which is what Cher and BMF said). They didnt touch AT ALL all evening. No kissing.

She said she was nice enough, outgoing, chatty, extrovert, but she made no effort to get to know her, because she could tell instantly that this wasnt going to be a long term thing, or his next big love and wouldnt last. They didnt seem together, or like they were suited, but she was a nice girl and she felt sorry for her - because, it was clear that she is really into him, but he is not into her.

She was not particularly feminine, just had on jeans and a top (which is what Cher said), is short like me, but dark. She said she was nice enough looking, sort of girl next door, but if I met her I would no way think, oh no, is that what I have to compete with. She was not a match for me and she feels I have in no way been replaced.

She seems very young, not in looks, but in demeanour, she thought she was 23 and was shocked when I said she was 29.

She is very into him.. apparently she had asked him to move in with her and he said, absolutely no way.

So.. when she saw them in a pub after Christmas, she got chance to talk to my ex away from Helen.. Apparently, he said to her, that he doesnt feel about Helen like he did (does?) about me.

And most significantly (so I guess this is why he left me).. that if I was then, like I am now, he never would have left. (grr!!!)

She actually said to him, dont you think people can change, dont yuo think people deserve a 2nd chance? (bless her) and she said he 'couldnt handle the conversation at all' - that if he was over me/ ok about it/in love with Helen, she would expect him to be cool about those questions, but instead he was very upset and said, I cant do this now, or I cant talk about this, or dont go there now and words to that effect. Helen was in the pub with him though. She said she's obviously intelligent, but very naive and doesnt realise he still has strong feelings for his ex.

She said it was obvious straight away on meeting them, that she is a nice girl, pleasant enough, but she is not the right one for him and he is not into her.

She thinks its a classic case of few drinks and bit of a sh*g, because he cant bear to be on his own.

So he did leave because of the way I was and that he has noticed I have changed and he actually said he would never have left me if I was then like I am now. Wow. Thats huge. And how annoying that he didnt just talk to me about the changes he needed me to make as he clearly wasnt happy back then hey.

Ali - this is priceless inside information!

Question is - how are you going to react now, knowing it?

How do you feel now, knowing what you know?

Your post suggests that a few things you suspected have been borne out...

For a good while IMO your GALing activities have been yielding very positive changes - for you...although sometimes its been difficult to extract that against the background of your thoughts and observations - but hey - we've already acknowledged that's just how you like to be on these boards...

Perhaps this night represents something significant in your sitch - you and I have been musing for a while how long we would be able to stick at it...

For you now - it would seem that on the face of it there's everything to play for... but thats unlikely to be realised for a while...and could need quite a bit more GALing consolidation...and for definite would need a long period of reconnection / renegotiation.

I think now Ali - more than ever, you need to take some time to consider your terms of re-engagement - just so that you're prepared if the opportunity, should you decide to stick out for it, comes along...

IMO - this is going to be one of the most difficult periods you'll face - before you were DBing like fury, with half / no hope. Now - you've been given some hope...and its a bit like reaching the end of a long walk - there's still a good way to go, but you relax a little and thats where most accidents occur!

And most importantly, don't forget that there is a pretty widespread view on these boards that the best path to reconnection is by "drawing" your ex back to you...and that although its longer winded, its very much more successful...

Sounds to me, from what you've posted, as if ex might be tentatively stepping onto that path, although he's being careful to make sure that you can't see - just make sure that you don't spoil things by rushing out to meet him at the first sign!

Best - GFI