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checking in.....

Hi CL, I'm checking too.
I hope I wasn't to harsh in my post. I worry about you.
I hope you have a peaceful and blessed Easter.
Maybe your just engrossed in your writing.
Take care.

Naej and Matilda,
I've been struggling this week with prostate problems, which is very uncomfortable. I ended up not dancing on Tuesday night. I left work early yesterday, and saw my doctor. I'm on an antibiotic for a month.

I'm feeling much better today, and plan on going to my dance lesson tonight. There's a couple of dance opportunities this weekend, so I'll try to make up for the lost Tuesday.

I'm at work, so won't be able to post an update until the weekend.

Naej, it's helpful to hear a provocative post, so don't pull punches. The confrontive posts, help me to reevaluate my approach and make adjustments.

CL

Hi CL, sorry your plumbing is playing you up, hopefully antibiotics will soon kick in.
Take care.

Naej,
The antibiotics have kicked in and my plumbing is working again.

I took my puppy to the dog park this week, and let him off leash for the first time. He would get brave and wander off to meet a dog, and then hurry back to be my side. We circled the park and called it a day.

My emotions come and go in waves. I find myself wishing my W would go away (resisting and wanting to control). I find myself judging her as weak, and lost. I am not always friendly towards her, nor wanting to be helpful. I'm giving myself more latitiude to be human and imperfect.

I do have friendly, casual chats with her more often. I am more friendly to the OP, and watched "Dancing with the Stars" with him while he waited for my W to wake up from her nap.

I emailed her that he is to be no more than a guest in our house, and will not be a roommate. He is supposed to be looking for an interim apartment, while he sells his home, and moves closer to the city. He apparently has a 19 year old son, who he will need to house. I decided to not get into a power struggle about his more frequent visits.

I'm having good luck triggering memories from maps that I draw of my childhood neighborhood and town, the college campus I spent my undergraduate years at, neighorhoods I lived in when I was single, and so on. At this point, I work on creating scenes, and don't yet worry about creating a story. It's interesting to think about events, that I haven't thought about in a long time. I need to practice showing and being more detailed and descriptive, versus telling the story.

My W goes thru one to two cases per week of beer (12-24 bottles). She's often nursing a beer. I don't know how her stomach handles it. I'm not sure what this is about.

I noticed on her Facebook, that her picture now includes the OP.

She asked me if I wanted to join them this week for dancing (I said no). He asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner ( I said no).

CL

Hi CL,
Glad you are on the mend! Sounds like you are doing well setting boundaries(about the dinner invites and the living situation).



It does sound like there is some emotional detachment from your end-and that may be the direction you're headed. It is understandable given W's behavior.

12-24 beers a week sounds like alcohol 'abuse' from my healthcare perspective, especially for a woman...She may be self-medicating if this is a new, developing habit. Can't be good on the liver or stomach or heart or...!

Your map drawing process sounds innovative..It'll be interesting to see where it leads you. Funny how our memories dim if we don't keep 'remembering'...
Hope you have a wonderful, creative weekend!

KJ,
I would agree her drinking pattern constitutes self-medication. She doesn't seem to drink mindfully, but compulsively, like how she smokes.

I can't put my finger on her R with the OP. It doesn't seem like a torrid love affair. Maybe he's a platonic friend, and there's another OP. It's hard not to try and make sense of it, when it's under your nose.

He's going thru a D, and is in the process of selling his farm, and moving closer to the city. My W and our home seem to be a place of respite for him. I don't know the entire story, so I might as well be friendly to him. He does seem like a good guy. I'm not sure what my W has told him.

He said that my W can be a pit bull, as she apparently was giving him a hard time about something over the weekend. He told me he knows how I feel sometimes.

I do miss going to the salsa venues , but it probably wouldn't be the same at this time. People would treat me differently, or try to get me to talk about the R. I'll keep the dancing separate for now.

I went to a West Coast Swing club dance this weekend. I'm still new to WCS (< one year), so am still working on confidence. It's always good to see and be seen, and build and maintain my network. There are ladies who appreciate a basic dance, and who don't want the challenges of intermediate moves. WCS is growing on me. It's a smooth dance with some style.

I've come a long way dance wise in the past year. I'm finishing my first year with the local ballroom chapter, and have renewed my membership. I now attend every month. A year ago, I only danced salsa. In the past year, I've taken Rumba, Merengue, Cha Cha, WCS, East Coast Swing, and Waltz lessons. My repertoire has expanded a great deal. A year ago, I only went to venues with my W. For the past two months, I've gone strictly by myself.

I'm having such a wonderful time enjoying my freedom with dancing and dance lessons, and building connections, and building creative nonfiction writing skills, that I don't miss my W when she's gone.

I know the story's going to turn at some point, but for now I'm enjoying the respite from the drama of late last year and early this year.

CL

You are the King of GALing!!

The OP does seem open about coming to your house....it seems strange! Maybe there is another OP. One day you'll have to ask!!!

Matilda,
I'm not threatened by my W's D'ing dance friend. His life is in chaos, and I think my W is a port in the storm for him. My primary boundary with him is that he will not be a roommate.

He is a former smoker (my W smokes), and party animal (I don't know how he did this with a family). He dances more with passion and energy and is weak with technique. Salsa is a dance where energy and enthusiasm count for a lot.

My W was at the doctor this week, and was told that her blood pressure is high. Smoking, caffeine, and salt are her risk factors. She's been on the treadmill more lately. She continues to have persistent sleep problems.

She does seem interested in keeping our finances managed, and the house maintained. I guess her motive is to keep this part of her life stable. She continues to spend impulsively with her credit card, and then feels guilty about it afterwards.

My parents are in town watching my nephew this weekend. I will take my puppy and join them for activities. They're used to my W not participating, so it will be easy to explain away her absence.

My W was complaining about my last potroast because I forgot to put spices on the meat. I apologized the first time she brought it up, and didn't participate when she would bring it up again.

She seems disconnected and unhappy. The only time I see her smile, is when the dancing OP is over, and they're going out to eat or dance. She hasn't seen her sister and newborn neice.

I'll keep up with the detachment (compassion from a distance) strategy. I'm not responsible for her happiness or recovery. Time is valuable, so I might as well as use my freedom to pursue my own interests and hobbies (ballroom dancing, creative nonfiction reading and writing, keeping my puppy active, and building connections in the dance , writing communities, and with fellow dog owners).

CL

My puppy spent the day with my parents who were in town to watch my 8 year old nephew. We went to his soccer game, and afterwards to their house. We sat outside on a nice spring day, and chatted. We stayed for dinner, and I got to visit with my brother. It helps to have the puppy with me as my family companion, and as a way to connect to other dog lovers. It was a nice day of family connection.

My W and her D'ing friend came in late last night from dinner, on their way to the salsa venue. They were chuckling about the both of them having gas from the dessert they ate. I offered them papaya tablests to calm their stomachs. I don't connect with my W with sophomoric humor.

They strolled in this afternoon on their way to go clothes shopping. My W makes sure she brings me a carry-out from whatever restaurant they went to. She offered to pick up a shirt for me if I needed one.

It's uncanny how similar the OP is to me in some ways, and similar to my W in others.

My W accidently emailed me a correspondence between she and her sister regarding the OP. I saw the first sentence, and then threw out the rest, as I didn't want to see information that wasn't intended for me.

The quandary continues to be choosing the strategy of detachment (compassion with distance), GAL, and letting the story unfold, versus trying to move things along by letting my W know that I think we should proceed towards a D, and dealing with the unbalancing that would cause.

CL