This is why I don't understand myself. There are other people out there that are special. What is so special about this person that I want to put myself through any of this?
I know that once I decide to date again I will find someone that I can sit on the couch and cuddle with, talk to at night, be intimate with, have fun with... why do I want this person in my life. And why am I willing to struggle who is probably lost already I just don't know it?
The percentage of me that just wants to take my daughter and wlk away grows every day!
We talked for 40 minutes tonight and not once did she use my daughters name, only refered to her as "the kid"...oh and the woman who told me that my cursing bothered her used the F word about nine times. She is gone!
Kenn, I know it's very difficult right now. I don't know that I have anything to say to make it better, just that I've been there. I certainly understand missing aspects of the relationship and not necessarily the person who used to fill that role.
But as much as I thought I was over xBF I am now seriously considering giving him a second chance, against the advice and wishes of my counselor, my friends and my family. Why? I'm not sure I understand all of it. Mostly because I have shared the past 8.5 years of my life with him. Even though I never made vows, I believed that I was committed to him for better or for worse and this is definitely the worse.
And to paraphrase a book I'm reading, if you leave now while your relationship is at it's lowest point without trying to fix it you will always wonder "what if."
I don't want to imply that everything will be ok, but I do believe in doing everything you can so if you walk away you can hold your head high.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I have a problem because I look back at myself over the last three years and don't like what I see.
Honestly as a dad I am really satisfied with myself other than letting my marriage/life frustrate me and verbally lashing out at my daughter three times. Yep know how many times and can replay them in my head like they happened yesterday. Simple rule - kids shole never be yelled at no matter what they are doing. That problem was easy once I realized I was doing it and has gone away as soon as the pressure of the relationship disappeared.
As a husband ...yuck! Looking back I would have divorced me. Probablly being too hard on myself but truth hurts. Doesn't mean I deserve this but she didn't deserve a husband just going through the motions either.
That being said she is a mess and it's hard. If this were a case of WAW where I pushed her to the point of wanting out then I could hang in there but it really seems like she is in that MLC world.
She is willing to give up a extreemly high salary job and go to CO with a potential 30% cut in pay. She is so close to saying that my daughter can just live with me, She is obsessed with her looks, She is obsessed with income (telling me one day that individuals making less that 100K and couples making almost twice that are in the lower class BIZARRE) She dicussed a worker that she had to coach and spent 20 minutes talking about how ugly she was (WTH???) She talks to me for 40 minutes about my daughter and never once uses her name just calls her "the kid" She is anti social to all the neighbors (according to the neighbors) She doesn't drink during the day but starts when she comes home and is drunk by 10pm every night She complains constantly about all the stress in her life
What a mess. I know this is not new to many people out there. I look at this and think MLC - gone from me. I could handle an affair (so I think), I could put in the work needed to create a new R and maintain it. But I don't think I can do the time for her to come out of this. That saddens me. And the person she is now is someone I could easily close my heart off to. But once I do that I don't think there is any coming back.
I went to post on your thread but it looks like it locked up. So I'll say it here - you get my support for giving it another chance. I may get beat up here but I am a firm believer that when someone strays (only once that is) it is a reflection on ourself as much as on them and we need to realize that we weren't giving something.
They shouldn't have done it and should have communicated to let us know something was wrong before they reach that point but sometimes they don't. This is called a mistake.
Are you at a point that you think you have a good idea where you can improve the relationship? Are you convinced that he has a good idea what he needs to do to improve the realtionship? Are you both committed to putting in the effort to make it work?
Make a list of all the great qualities this person offers and all the bad qualities he offers. Then make the same list for the next person you are going to date. Then put down the odds you think this person will do it to you again. How remorseful is he that he did this and hurt you? Then put down the odds that that future person will stray on you (that's estimated to be 60% of guys do it)
What you should end up with if you are even considering this is one person that has lots of qualities that you love and confident he will not do it again because you have corrected the problems and he is better suited to tell you there is a problme before it reaches an affair AND another fictional person that is a complete crap shoot who has a 60% chance of an affair because they haven't gone through the leaning curve. (this one may be better or may be worse).
You are young! If you gave it a year to see if the work can be done to make your realtionship better and be back with the person you choose the first time isn't it worth the shot? I say year because I would think that is about the time it takes to put everything behind you and get to a great realtionship. Of course you'll know before if you are on the right track or if things aren't getting any better
If you feel secure he won't hurt you again and his good qualities outweigh the bad. I support you trying, just know that it will be your turn to say no thanks if it isn't working.
Is your real name Trina? Just joking. I had a session with a counselor today and told her about the whole phone call thing. She said almost the exact words you used. Told her i had a friend tell me the same thing Just thought I'd let you know
I am glad when I talked to her the other day I didn't bring it up.
So I picked up my daughter today for an hour. When I told her I had to drop her off she was dissapointed and wanted to stay out with me. I told her I had to go somewhere. We went back and forth, in friendly tone. I had told her it was private and she became more curious. So she is fishing and finally asks am I going to see a girl LOL!
I told her no, that you're mom and I are still legally married and dating is not an option right now. Then I added, "you do know, I tried tried everything I could think of to make this work out with your mom? I want you to know that when I do decide it's time to date someone"
I hate what this does to kids! It kills me. I think she is more anxious for me to date than I am LOL! That is a sad LOL!
No dbcoach. She is a marrage therapist I went to in town when this all broke open. She was really good at helping me find my own problems. She is not as good, well lets say I don't get as much out of the sessions now that I have kind of moved on to just me dealing with stuff.
I go every once in awhile when something my wife has done gets to me. I figure its better to bash your spouse to a stranger than to a friend or neighbor that might let it affect their oppinion.
Just thought I'd let you know