Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

Hay buddy,

I got the super bad news today from my wife, that no matter what I have ruined any chance in the last two months that we will ever have a chance. The divorce will happen no matter what.

Please listen to these people!

I have F'd up! I saw when she laid it out tonight.

I wish you the best and I will continue to moniter your sitch.

WOM

Sorry to hear about your situation. If its not too painful, can you share what your wife laid out? Perhaps we can get feedback from others to tweak our 180/DB.

Take care of yourself and your kids

It was a good start to the morning. I woke up at 6AM. I tried to just relax till it was time to get up but I heard my boys talking. I went to check on them and found them in the spare bedroom. My wife moved her legs so I could sit down on the bed.

We chatted for a while as the kids entertained themselves. She brought up my mom's visit and remarked how she didn't want to get a lot of grief from her the whole visit. I told her I will talk to her when she gets here to love us enough to respect what is happening and just provide us the support we need to get through this time. I held her hand as we talked.

I did ask her if she felt up to it, to ask her mom to watch the kids so we could try to go out. She said she would think about it. I did also ask if she would try to make sometime for us after she moved out. She said maybe after she got settled in. I'm not going to be overly optimistic but at least it wasn't a no. I do know not to ask her and I will need for her to make the initiate.

She then started to stretch out her back. I massaged it for her as I knew it had been bothering her last nite. She wound up laying on me (back to my belly) as she pulled my arms around her stomach. We snuggled for a while. She turned and rested on her side on my leg for a bit as well. It was really nice way to start the morning.

We had a nice breakfast and am now getting ready for soccer.

It was a fun time at soccer. My oldest scored several goals and my youngest and I practiced passing during the game. My wife seemed to enjoy herself as she was taking pictures. We did chat and laugh.

We got home and we all worked together very well to get the house in order for my mom's visit. We got done before lunch. I asked my wife to bring her Ipod out so we can listen to some tunes. My wife sat in the family room as the kids were climbing on me when I was laying on the floor. We were all laughing and having a great time.

One time my wife started to tickle my youngest who called me for help. I went over to "help" when my wife then "attacked" me. I started tickling her and we "wrestled" for a bit. I let her knock me over and she jokingly gloated in her victory

The kids and I kept wrestling and I started doing push ups with my kids laying on my back. Suddenly my wife jumped and laid on top of me and "dared" me to do a push up. Before I could even start, the boys jumped on top and it suddenly became pile on daddy time.

We all laughed and had a great time. We had lunch and I put my 3 year old to bed for his nap. My mom showed up with my 2 aunts for the visit. There was no conversation of the situation as we all just chatted and they enjoyed visiting with our kids. Especially when my youngest woke up from his nap

My wife wound going out to pick up dinner and that's when my mom talked to me. Aparently my wife called her up last week when I was in CT and told her that we are having a tough time but was still trying to work it out. She said my wife was crying. My aunt then joined the conversation. I asked both of them to respect us enough to just support us in whatever happens in our situation. Just show us their love in their prayers and support

When my wife got home with the food, we ate. After dinner I noticed my aunt and wife had disappeared. I went up and found my wife in tears as my aunt was "lecturing" her. I stood up for my wife and gave her the show us her love by respecting us regardless of what happens in our situation

My aunt left the room and I stayed with my wife to comfort her. She vented about being lectured to and how hurt she was that my aunt did that. I tried to be compassionate and said I understood and asked if there was anything to do. I hugged her and she cried on my shoulder.

She said that she needed to compose herself before she went back downstairs. I told her I understand and asked if there was anything I can do. She said I should go downstairs as she felt weird that there was guests in the house and we were both upstairs

I went downstairs and my aunt asked if everything was ok. I told her I know she was trying to help but to please respect us enough to just be there and include us in their prayers through this situation. They left before my wife came back down

I went up to chack on my wife. She was in the spare bedroom. I knocked and she invited me to sit on the bed. She layed there as she vented about how mad she was and hurt that my aunt was telling her what to do. I empathized and comforted her. She said that she was still hurt from the past. I told her how I understood, and how I wished I never did any of the things that hurt her and if there was anything I can do to make her feel better. She said she doesn't know.

Suddenly, the heart of the problem clear to me. She is still hurting. She doesn't know how to recover from all the hurt and its still painful for her.

I kept hugging her as she vented and cried on my shoulder about how my aunt made her feel. I empathized by saying I understand when I felt a knot on her back. I asked her if she wanted me to massage it. She said yes. I did for a while when the kids called for us

I went downstairs as my wife changed into her PJ's.

She got downstairs and I poured her a martini. We finished cleaning and put the kids to bed after watching a video

We stayed up to watch a couple of sitcoms. She asked for a foot/leg massage. I did as she continued to vent about my aunt's lecture. She did say she really appreciated how I stood up for her and it really meant a lot to her. I thanked her. I wanted to lean over and kiss her but I didn't. She continued to rest her legs on my lap as we chatted lightly. Every once in a while she would vent about something my aunt or mom said to her about our situation. I tried to be compassionate and empathized how difficult it must be.

After a couple of shows, she said she was going to bed. Before she went to upstairs, she came over for a hug. I hugged her and when I tried to break away, she hung on. I hugged her back for a while. I didn't want to stop, but I broke away and gave her a kiss on the check

Tonite was the first nite in a while where I got any indication from my wife that she thinks there may be a chance that a separation may actually help save our relationship.

It was a tough ending to an otherwise very fun day

"Suddenly, the heart of the problem clear to me. She is still hurting. She doesn't know how to recover from all the hurt and its still painful for her."

Maybe I misread something earlier, but I thought you understood that already? That's what you kept posting. I guess you FINALLY reached the compassion level. The level when you REALLY understand what she's going through. You were able to act according to what she needed.

Good job.

"I did also ask if she would try to make sometime for us after she moved out."

Don't ask her this again. You're pursuing. Let her be the one to come to you.

Otherwise great job and keep it up!

I had thought she was just mad/angry. I know that is part of the hurt scenario, but she, at least today, seemed genuinely hurt still. I saw that in her face and felt it in my heart

I wound up asking her about making time for us as about 6 weeks after we started dating she wanted to slow things down (we were seeing each other every day since we met). I told her that was fine with me as long as she still made time for us. She said yes. That pause lasted 1 day.

We were talking about that so that's how it came up. I did tell her that I would respect her space when she moved and let her decide when she was ready. Probably a wrong move, but didn't want her to think I was giving up.

The journey contines

Thanks for the checking in and all the support

Ouch. Sorry to hear that Stuck. How long was she gone for? Did you go Dark the entire time?

I'm just trying to get myself prepared for what I have to do

I woke up late this morning - 7AM! I heard the boys talking so I went towards their room, like yesterday

They were still in their room. The three of us squeezed into one of the single beds and my 3 year old was very talkative. He thought it was hilarious that the 3 of us fit in his bed. Then they got hungary so we went downstairs to make pancakes. I noticed the spare bedroom door was ajar (normally my wife closes it when she's in their)

When I got to the kitchen, I text her "Good morning hun. Did you want a 4-some in your bed?" I know I'll get a 2x4 for pursuing but it was a good start to yesterday. She replied sure so me and my 2 boys went to wake her up.

When we got up there, she moved over for me. We all laid in bed and chatted. I hugged her lightly and she played with my fingers for a few minutes. Then the boys left to watch their show. I know I should have left with them but we kept chatting. She stretched her back, nose to her toes. I massaged her back again. She laid her back to my stomach, like yesterday, but I could feel something was uncomfortable for her. Before I could breakaway, she rolled off and to grab her Ipod. She asked me if I wanted to bring it down. I joked that's why I came up. She laughed and said so that's why I love her

I went downstairs and made pancakes. They didn't turn out very good. She then suggested we run out to Target since she needed stuff (I'm sure for her apt). A little hurtful but I said she could go by herself so she could have some alone time. I was going do some projects with the boys

I need to detach

She went out on her errands with my oldest son. I'm homw while my youngest son is napping. It has been a busy morning as I spent most of the time painting (honey do list) and then vacuuming.

I think I have been getting tougher on my oldest. Not sure if he is pushing the limits more or I'm just getting on edge. Or its because he's older so I expect that he would know better. Not sure - I'm going have to talk to my therapist about that. Especially since my oldest is like my wife - very emotional and sensitve (aka easily cries). My youngest is more like me - tough guy who doesn't get hurt (till now).

For example, this morning they were playing with their money in their piggybanks. I heard my oldest trading his shiny pennies for you my youngest quarters. I called him over and asked was he being fair in a very stern voice (with the mean daddy look). He said they were just playing. Then I said that I'm going to count the money afterwards and if it wasn't fair, the youngest would get it all. He walked away sad. I felt bad so I called him back. I asked if he wanted to really just play with the coins, that would be fine, but he can't spend his "spoils" on toys unless we make it fair. He still wasn't happy.

I told my wife about it later as my oldest tells her when I'm strict with him. I think she overly empathizes with him as she often says I should let kids just enjoy being kids. Any thoughts on how I handled the piggybank issue? Should I have just let it go? I guess I could have not used the mean daddy look..

Another incident was when I asked the boys to get the table ready for breakfast. The youngest set out the plates as my oldest just watched TV. When he sat down and asked when breakfast would be ready, I asked him to set out the forks. He got them and handed all of them to his brother. I reminded him I asked him to set it out. Then he gently tossed them into the spots as he sat in his seat. I collected them and handed them back and said try it again by walking around the table. Again he seemed upset. I'm sure I had the mean daddy look on....

Before I had it on all the time and didn't know. Now when I use it, I feel bad. Not sure what's going on...

Do you think I should talk to my wife about it?

We shared the kids 50/50 whereby I got them Sa/Sun/M and my W had them the rest of the days. When my W left, I went "dim". I went out and GAL when I didn't have my kids and didn't call or talk to her. And when I did have the kids I always asked her if she wanted to come along. If she didn't, it was no big deal.

I learned to be a great dad if anything ever happened between us and always kept the door open for her, never completely shutting it.

So when she did decide to come back for whatever reason, she would know that she was always welcome.

In terms of the kids, don't overanalyze too much. Sometimes I think all of our research and readings make us too sensitive. What you did was fine. Kids need to learn, sometimes sternly but always firmly. You always balance out a stern moment with a loving one.

I can see your oldest is clingy to the mom, so no matter what, he'll do no wrong in her eyes. It was fine the way you handled it.

You really need to stop pursuing. You're still doing everything to make yourself feel happy and making her feel comfortable about slowly leaving. You're pursuing her right out the door.

You're right when you said you need to detach...big time.

Mark my words, when she actually walks out that door and not coming home, you are going to experience pain like you've never felt before unless you detach now.