We had a nice webcam chat today. It was my FIL BD, so everyone was over at the IL apartment. Got to wish my FIL a happy BD and he looked pretty good. My W, otoh looked like something the cat drug in! She was in pain, visibly grimacing, not smiling, etc. I got a few minutes with her after everyone had said hallo.
I asked how she was doing and she replied Sh*tty. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her, the concern in my voice and face, I am sure was visible. She said no, that she was just going to deal with it. Ok, I thought. I'll back off, not going to get lured onto the roller-coaster...
So I tell her that it was great talking to Opa and that I needed to go shower and get ready for work. Then she hits me with the surprise left...
"You are mean to me."
*blink* *blink*
Mean? Whu? Ok, I was a taken aback. I shouldn't have been defensive but it was totally unexpected.
"How am I mean?" "It doesn't matter. Have a good day." Crap! Now I'm getting drawn in. "Please tell me how I am being mean. I don't intend to be be mean to you" Then the kicker... "Even though I never say it to you, I do care about you. No expectations."
*blink* *blink*
She's only said ILY once in 6 months, and today, she says this? Wow. It could be desperation talking, but it was the most sincere I have heard from her in some time.
Maybe one more ride on the 'coaster is OK, you know, for old time's sake.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
She is pulling a "pity me" party on you. You are not being mean at all. You are simply standing up for yourself, holding on to boundaries and refusing to be a back up plan.
Yes, one can have a little bit of schadenfreude in regards to the hole she stupidly dug herself into, but no one is celebrating in the long run. The whole thing is so sad.
Next time you talk, make sure to have your right hand up on your cheek at all times so as to block her pity-patter left hook. If the hook gets thrown - you dont necessarily need to counter punch, but simply deflect it.
I wonder how much of that credit card debt is really both of yours - you both are legally married and all assets and liabilities are probably still shared.
I don't think it's a pity party. If you go back and read your posts from the beginning, you'll see that she's had chinks in her armor that have been slowly getting to her. All that talk showing off her apt., car, etc. is just that...talk. It seemed to me like a false sense of bravado.
Kind of like a teenager. They'll say "I know" this and that and try to make a go of it. Then any little positive things they show, they show it off. But then reality sets in and they go back to needing the stability of mom and dad.
Same thing applies here. I think she is getting worn down and is looking for some sort of stability.
By you showing her your changes and doing things without emotion, she has no choice but to look within and re-evaluate what she's doing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yea, my W did that too. I got suckered in a few weeks back. I had a back slide and then she said, this is hard for me too. That's when I cut her off and told her I didn't want to hear it. I had been praying that we could communicate for quite some time and I was told by someone that this could be her way of trying to talk to me.
Anyway, I was coached on how to approach the sitch differently and allow her to communicate any feelings she has.
It's still tough, our instincts are to care for our spouses in a time of need.
