Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Wife is out and annouced OM to all #2

{{{Tom}}}} I think you did great and it sounds like she thought you did too, since you shared something funny from your past

I think you did great and it sounds like you are going just at the right speed, if you ended it, the ball is totally in her court for now

Tawnya

MC, I've been reading your thread for a while now, and just wanted to post how happy I am for you! Although I think you were doing just as good before your wife saw the light, and will continue to do well. Do you feel more ready to have a better R, at least on your part?

I have absolutely no piecing advice since I've never been through that, but just wanted to wish you well, let you know I'm thinking of you and praying for you (hope you don't mind the last part). Karen

Thanks Kat...

It is a shot that I have to take. Hopefully, if it's meant to be I won't screw it up. Thanks for the support.

Thanks Tawnya..

Well, I'll wait to see how we get on from here. It's uncharted territory for me.

Thanks Karen..

I hesitate to say I'm piecing just yet. She's not moving in just yet; plus she's obligated on her lease until the end of the year. But we'll see what happens in the mean time.

I do want a happy and better R with my W if we're going to reconcile. I want it for my kids; as well as for us. But I'm not going to lie and say that I'm eager. I've been enjoying my life quite well since November. Obviously, I still love her or I wouldn't even consider it.

And, No, I don't mind you praying for me. In fact if it wasn't for my Faith; I wouldn't be even considering this at the moment. I was resigned to our fate and looking forward to being a single man. Part of me almost feels cheated; but if He wants me to do this, here I go. Don't get me wrong; it's not like I'm only doing it because I feel directed by God. I am doing it because deep-down I love her; but I was willing to be divorced from her with the settlement we had reached. I was looking forward to being single though. It was looking like fun. But I value family over single guy fun any day.

Hey.

Being obligated on the lease could be a good thing. By then, in theory, hopefully, you'll both KNOW. And it's better that it's RIGHT instead of RIGHT NOW. It's been a crappy last two years as far as I'm concerned. Actually, the whole 2000's thing has just sucked so far. So, maybe there is no better way than to wait and start a new decade together?

Or maybe that is just the hopeless romantic in me.

Melissa

Slow is the best way. We definitely rushed back into it too fast last April. So I'm liking the fact that she's obligated for the lease; now hopefully she stick with it. She has a history of failing to own up to obligations.

You are absolutely correct!! We never got the chance to date; I never had to "court" her. She incessantly pursued me. You know the rest.

That is the paradox in which I find myself. I know that she wants me to lead her and I don't have a problem with that. Where I find myself confused is that I've been in "non-pursuit" mode for so long; I wonder if I'm now supposed to start pursuing because she said she wants to date. Or if not a full pursuit; what kind of pace do I set? Maybe I'm over thinking it. I want to take it slow and continue to let us have our "space." But I don't want to blow the opportunity either.

The reality is that we have all this history and I feel the need to pursue as though she's someone I just met and want to get to know. But, one, I'm a bad actor and I think I might have a problem pretending. I want to act like I do when I'm meeting a girl for the first time. The conversations, the innuendo, etc.; but right now I'm still not sexually attracted to her. My main motivation for trying is to save the marriage.

I guess that's why I've been reading over in Piecing. Searching out other internet sites and I plan on going to the book store this weekend.


I pray that her heart is in the right place as well. I wonder if a conversation about what I expect her behavior to be in order for me to date her is proper in my sitch. Or do I just start dating her like I just met her and see where that goes?

Thanks Amy. You know I always value your input. I need make a new list

(((Amy)))

{{{Tom}}} First off, I agree that it IS a good thing she has that lease, the end of the year is NOT that far, but far enough to know much better how things are progressing by then.

Again, I think you handled it well and, it sounds like you have the right thoughts of YOU taking control, for lack of a better word, of the situation by doing some of the pursuing, especially since SHE pursued you at first. Though there definitely needs to be some give and take.

This may sound weird and certainly someone who has been thru this can give better advice than I can, but maybe read up on some dating sites..like how long to wait to call, good ways to take things slowly, how to BUILD a strong relationship instead of jumping into one, things like that? Just food for thought..

Also, I think you admitting to yourself that you STILL do love her, through all the STUFF, gives great hope to yourself, to your wife, to your relationship, and to anyone who reads your thread! It CAN be done, but is not easy, at best!

Actually, in all honesty, I think the fact you are NOT sexually attracted to her right now only will work in favor of your relationship right now. It really means you both will take the TIME to relearn each other, the new both of you..without having that as the forefront in your mind. I mean, as we ALL know, the sexually attracted part, at BEST, dwindles at least a LITTLE the longer you are married..LOL..so there has to be some substance and foundation.

Hugs and peace for you my friend!

Tawnya

MC, I will give more input later. One of your biggest goals right now is to rebuild trust. You do that by showing her thru your actions. Lead her do not pursue. Do you know her LLs? If so plan dates that will feed her LL. Really study up on validation and practice it (getting defensive is a buzz kill.)
Look into her eyes with compassion. Have no expectations just go to listen and be attentive. Make this fun for yourself. You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach

Yea, I have the 5LL book and it's all filled out from the last time that we went through it. I plan on re-reading it.



This is powerful; yet a little unclear. If I understand you Coach; I'm to be confident, plan our time together, something that works with her LL; and yet that is somehow not pursuing. Obviously, I'm not going to be begging, showering her with gifts, etc.; not that type of pursuit.

But last April, she had mentioned that she had always wanted me to pursue her. That's where I have trouble. The history behind us; and her desire to date, with my knowledge that she wanted me to pursue her last year. Putting all that together without sabotaging our recovery or appearing fake is a perceived obstacle to me right now. Not one that cannot be overcome; just something that seems unnatural. For some reason I feel I have to "date" her as though I would someone I've just met; and that would require acting. "as if?"

Glad to hear your sitch is headed in the right direction!
I'm sure it would be hard to "act" like you are dating someone you don't know when in reality you know them well. But then again remember you are starting on the path of a better relationship! Take it slow and really listen to her. I know that is something I need work on. Instead of thinking of what you are going to reply with. Empathy compassion! Things will come!

Wishing you all the best!