We talked last Thursday. I went by my script, she took it suprisingly good. Didn't have much resistance about the new cell phone. W tried to tease me and said something like "I don't see the reason why would I do that. He promised me that he would not call, email or text me. Plus if I'd like to cheat on you I could give him my new number..". My response was; "Well, maybe he said that he wouldn't but give him few more days and I promise you he will try. As far as giving him new number, do it and I'd have my answer!"
She hasn't apologized yet. Said something like:"You're a man with a big heart and opened mind. After what I've done, you're willing to take me back and fight to fix our M. I don't know if I'd ever be able to do the same if I was in your shoes. I admire you for that and I'll do my best to work on it too". Words... I'd rather wait for the action.
Gave her the wedding ring back, took it with a warm smile, but ever since it's been sitting on the night stand. Don't know if it's worth to push the subject or should I just wait few more days. I've already started wearing my ring again.
I know that this whole thing will not improve overnight and it'll take a long time to heal our M. I feel like we're on a "trial period".
Everyday life is goes on almost as nothing never happened but I've been trying to be more attentive, spend more time together, talk and listen to what she has to say.
W said that she felt insecure, lost, neglected and desperate in the end and that's why she did what she did. On the other hand told me that "OM is a good, decent man and if she wouldn't be married and I (meaning me) wouldn't be who I am, she would stay with him". It hurts, but at least she's been trying to be honest.
We promised each other that we'd never hide our emotions and feelings no matter how painfull they may be.
For the last few days I've been working on getting her a new job at my place, maybe I'll be able to pull it off.
Despite all these positive changes I still have this fear on the back of my head that one day I'll come back from work and she'll be gone again. This time for good. Don't know how to defeat this feeling...
I've been reading DR book again, trying to focus on the 7 step programm. If you have any suggestions I'll be here...
Puppy: how was the retrouvaille weekend? I've been thinking about it for a while and now even W said she would do it.
Glad to hear from you again. Try to keep things light for a while and don't get into serious R talks. Don't expect an apology from her. That is just the way it is. Maybe down the road at some point, she may tell you she is sorry, but I doubt she will now. About the rings....don't say a word about it. But, if she doesn't wear them, I think it is not a good sign.
Right now she is seeming to behave herself, but be prepared b/c I have a feeling it is not over yet. I think something else happened that made this fake "turn about". I'm not saying that to hurt you, but I just have a feeling she isn't through with OM. Hope I am very wrong about that.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's been a while but I have finally a moment for myself to think and to write a few words. Been spending lots of time with my wife lately... Sandi, I think you're right... I hate to say it but you're right. On one hand: She seems to behave herself, as I said, we spend lots of time together, working out, skiing, talking, watching movies, etc. As I monitor the results things seem to improve. On the other hand: so far she has refused to change her phone,even though I bought a new sim card the day after she came back. I've been waiting patiently, had a few conversations about this always ending with the same result: it's sooooo inconvienient for her... Back in my head I always have this fear that she's not completely through with OM yet. Yesterday I asked her about this: she admited that they've been texting to each other and that it's been very hard on her because she's emotionaly attached. Once again I swallowed my pride and once again told her that in order for our marriage to be back on track, he needs to be out of the picture. The only way to do that is to completely cut himout of our life; change this damn phone and email... We can not go through with this M and fix it if she's not fully commited. She can't keep him on the side just in case things will not work out!Looks like she got it but for how long this time?
Told her that understand how difficult it's for her and appreciate her efforts but asked her how would she feel I she was in my shoes...
After a moment of silence she admited that she needs outside help, that she doesn't know what to do and how to get out of this vicious circle. Again said that her life is a failure, that she failed in every aspect of it: her career, marriage, dreams... I tried to open her eyes and remind her of so many accomplishments she achieved in her life but honestly I don't know what to say to that. Needless to say that I completely disagree with her point of view.
I will try to set up an appointment with the priest who does the MC, try once again to talk her into the retrouvaille program. I'll try to convince her into going back to the MC who worked with her before (she stopped going to these sessions after she came back home).
I made a copy of the "infidelity" chapter from DR book (left out the techniques). I want her to read it maybe she would understand that it's not a quick fix and saving marriage takes a lot of time and efforts. Maybe it will give her some guidance.
I'm very reluctant though about letting her read entire book. She wants to. It may be very helpful but also dangerous...
I think (or hope :-)) that she's been warming up to the idea but nothing happened yet. She'd let me touch her more often, kiss or hug.. Something that was unthinkable a few weeks ago.
On the other hand: so far she has refused to change her phone,even though I bought a new sim card the day after she came back. I've been waiting patiently, had a few conversations about this always ending with the same result: it's sooooo inconvienient for her... Back in my head I always have this fear that she's not completely through with OM yet. Yesterday I asked her about this: she admited that they've been texting to each other and that it's been very hard on her because she's emotionaly attached. Once again I swallowed my pride and once again told her that in order for our marriage to be back on track, he needs to be out of the picture. The only way to do that is to completely cut himout of our life; change this damn phone and email... We can not go through with this M and fix it if she's not fully commited. She can't keep him on the side just in case things will not work out!Looks like she got it but for how long this time?
Told her that understand how difficult it's for her and appreciate her efforts but asked her how would she feel I she was in my shoes...
After a moment of silence she admited that she needs outside help, that she doesn't know what to do and how to get out of this vicious circle.
Committed,
She may or may not need outside help. But what she IMMEDIATELY needs to do is agree to TOTAL TRANSPARENCY, and that starts with her cellphone. You let her waffle on this, and now it's bitten you in the ass and she's still not gone thru withdrawal from this guy and more than a month has been wasted.
EVERY time she has contact with OM -- even if it's just a text message -- the withdrawal "clock" starts back at 0:00.
This is why I like to recommend to betrayed spouses GOING IN to a reconciliation, while there's no gun to their heads, "Sit down and decide now how many 'strikes' you're going to allow -- what is your boundary."
Zero? One, but only if self-confessed? One even if it's discovered by you? Two? More?
Mine would be (and was) the "One, but only if self-confessed," which my wife did, but everyone is different. But WHATEVER your boundary is, YOU NEED TO ENFORCE IT -- NOW.
I would ask her one final time to change her cellphone, with detailed billing set up to come to you, and I would give her exactly one hour to decide. Is this "mean" or "controlling"?? Nope: this is your BOUNDARY, and this is the "help" she said she needed.
She is addicted. Time to help the addict by removing the source of her addiction, NOW.
No, keeps it with the engagement ring in the jewerly box. Decided I'll wait. Everything with her takes a lot of time to turn around so I don't want to push it. DR book says pick your battles wisely. I'm not going to win this one yet so I try to focus on other things.
No, keeps it with the engagement ring in the jewerly box. Decided I'll wait. Everything with her takes a lot of time to turn around so I don't want to push it. DR book says pick your battles wisely. I'm not going to win this one yet so I try to focus on other things.
Commited
If it were just the ring, I might agree with you. But the cellphone contact should be a dealbreaker.
Yes, this (withdrawal, and reconciliation) does take time. But reconciliation (and its healing) does not even BEGIN until she goes thru withdrawal, and THAT doesn't begin until she ENDS ALL CONTACT . . . and every time she has another contact, the clock resets.
I don't have enough time to write down my script but that's pretty much what I want to talk about: It's obvious that I have to set boundaries; absolutely no contact with OM, change phone number, email and the job. With the last one I can help and looks like she doesn't want to work at her old place anymore.
