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PD,
I see your point. I do tend to overreact at first when recieving bad news. I do know she can't get pregnant as she's had her tubes tied. I'm pretty resolved to the point where I believe that she's had sex with at least one person. Do I know who? Nope, not a clue. Now the real question is if she's going to admit it and whether or not she wants to save our marriage. At this point I'd have to say no. And it will take me some time to get over it. Is my confidence pretty much gone? I'd say so at this point. For her to give away something so personal, so sacred--that hurts. For her to say that she can't even look at herself in the mirror when she thinks about it bad though--makes me think the worst. If she's gonna tell me, she needs to do so and not make me think the worst.

I know I'll be fine eventually. I'm just not fine right now.

You don't know this. And right now, she doesn't know this either; I suspect. Again, you can't get into her head; you can only get into yours. If you want to save your M; save yourself first. Worry about making yourself into someone she wants to come back to.



I understand this; but from what you've detailed of her comments, it seems to me that she has tremendous guilt and shame over whatever she's done. You have to accept that this is not about you; but it's about her. I know that it is hard to accept; but her guilt comes from her actions, not yours. The caveat here is that I don't really know what's in her head either; my input is based upon what I've learned from my sitch.

Now, you have definitely had some influence into how things got this far; we all have to own our part. But don't let it get to your self-esteem. That's why you need to GAL and detach.

Maybe she just wants to tell you that she voted for Obama.

Sorry . . . just trying to lighten things up a bit.

Puppy

Puppy LOL!

To me that whole "I can't look myself in the mirror" sounds like either melodrama or something worse than simply cheating. She left you and basically indicated she wanted a divorce. From what I've seen on here, there isn't a whole lot of guilt about sleeping with someone. It seems to me most have a "why shouldn't I, I've already told him we were done. It's just a formality to get divorced". It sounds like dramatic self-flagellation as lead up to telling you so you won't feel the need to get on her case about it too much.

She may also have aggravating issues from her past (as my W does) that shadow her recent behaviors. My W has indicated in the past that her shame stems from what she's done to me in our M; but also indicates that she feels it stems from a host of childhood problems.

What could be worse than sleeping with someone at this point? I mean, she said I've done bad stuff. In my mind that's pretty bad.
And the maddening part of it all is she can't seem to make up her mind. First she wants a divorce, then she doesn't(or says she doesn't), then she does. Yet, she hasn't filed and has been friendly as all get out. I don't know what she's thinking, so I have to go with what she's saying at least for this.

An orgy? Sleeping with your best friend? Sleeping with someone, killing them, and framing YOU for it? Making a porn that's shown online daily?

Yeah, I thought of those already. My worst fear is that she went tdy, got loaded and slept with 2 guys at the same time and enjoyed it. She is/was my best friend so she sleeps with herself everyday. Bottom line--she's gonna have to tell me if I'm ever gonna forgive her. If she can't or won't tell me then I think we are at a standstill.

Yeah; but does she have to tell you at this moment?

No and I don't think she will at this point. She may never but if she has any desire(which she doesn't seem to have at this point)to move this marriage along in the right direction, then she will have to come clean. So no for now.