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That's a VERY interesting way to look at it! In all of our discussions on these forums on this very subject, I don't think I've ever seen anyone offer that perspective before, but that's true!

They say that on a man's deathbed, there are two things you'll never hear him say:

1. "I wish I had spent more time at the office."

2. "I wish I had taken LESS risk in my life."

Food for thought.

Puppy

Her best friend is in town again for a few days. I think she's planning on more house reorganization and making decorating plans for when I (supposedly) move out. Recently received her bank statement in the mail with our address on it. It just bugs me how she's just assuming the house or something.

More to add to the picture.

The kids will be going to see grandparents from mid-May to mid-June. That means during the time I was supposed to be moving out, I will actually be alone in the house with her (assuming she doesn't move out). I'm trying to figure out if and how this will change dynamics.

I still get some occasional wishy-washiness over the decision to stay put. While I still want to stand my ground, I'm concerned about the position it puts her in. If she does indeed want space to sort things out then I want to make sure she understands her options and that I'm not trying to force anything or make life extremely difficult for her - only that it's my right to stay. She could easily move in with her friend for a while (who needs to find a permanent place anyway, not my house). I'm concerned if she feels trapped or extremely angry then she might end the whole thing. It's a risk I have to take.

My other concern is that she wants to see independence on my part. She was tired of taking care of my details. In her dream separation world, she was envisioning me in my own place running my own life. I'm hoping that standing my ground will show enough independence in that I don't have to have her approval on my actions. I'm also hoping my 180 and continued detachment will show I'm doing fine on my own no matter what roof I'm under.

The proposed move date is (was!) still over a month away so I guess I've got some time yet. Until then I'm remaining detached yet kind. I let her start the conversations and ask the questions. Seems to work well. We make small talk and get along fine although yesterday she seemed stressed and she complained she was tired, stomach hurt, etc. (I know these symptoms all too well from my own experience).

I'm thinking I'll make the "I'm staying" announcement in about a week or two (one month before the date). Not too early but not too late either.

Living each day happy.

We've got an Easter ski day planned and I'm trying to figure out whether I should tell her before or after? Counselor seems to think earlier is better than later (as in don't wait for another week or two).

It's really tough because sometimes we get along great, the family functions fine, and it's easy to forget that she's planning a sep. It's just going to be hard to make this announcement and possibly end all the recent goodwill.

I've been in a pretty good mood this week and last and it seems like the closer and more committed to this decision I get, the better I feel. I'm going to have to deal with some short term disagreement and pain for the long term benefit of myself, family, and the relationship.

I'm going to tell her tonight. We didn't go skiing today (it was kind of delusional thinking anyway because we didn't have the cash) but we've got dinner and family time planned so I'll wait till that's finished.

I just don't know what to expect but thinking a big tantrum is the likely result. I once asked in MC why she wasn't the one moving out and got a big red face angry response ("...because I can afford the house better than you can! and if you want to keep talking about it then 'it's on!' "). Later on she gave me kudos for facing up.

Anyway I'm going to just remain calm and tell her my plans.
Sometimes we do these big thing discussions by email so I'm thinking about doing that. Just need to make sure I get the tone right.

I hope she doesn't see the big D as the only way to get space.

Told her that under advisement from friends, family, marriage experts, and attorney that I am not moving out. She threw a tantrum. Wants a divorce. Thinks she can force me out with a court order.

Whatever.

I'm sorry that she is being so unreasonable. I'm also sorry you are having to go through this. Smart advice though.

Cooled off a little. Wanted to know why I was bringing all this up.

Discussed paperwork and issues. just trying to figure out timing of it all. Sep now with a few legal docs and divorce later in a few months or divorce now. feel like I lose no matter what.

I'm tired - can't write. will discuss more later.

..and then today was morning as usual.

I believe Michelle Weiner Davis when she says a large percentage of the divorces are unnecessary. Ours is one of them.

I don't understand the motive for this divorce. We get along fine, don't fight much. I've done so much in the relationship and for the children. I do most everything around the house - she does the bills. I've been so honest and devoted for so long. I've had trouble with dysthymia (low grade depression) for a few years and I know that's hard to live with but I've been trying my hardest to fight it. And this is the reward I get.

She asked why I seemed to not trust her lately on some of the sep/divorce matters? After all we had been together for 18 years and never had a trust issue and always had been kind to one another. Hmmm...Out of the blue you announce you want a divorce, don't want to try fixing anything, want me out so your best friend can move in, and could make things tough legally if I don't. (My least favorite expression, "It is what it is, and nothing will change it. ")


So I'm really on a roller coaster. Things had been going well lately and I was hopeful. I still love her and can envision the changes that would make a strong marriage.
For the most part I believe the divorce is unnecessary and the relationship is worth fighting for. I feel boredom and MLC made her think the grass is greener. Maybe someday she will realize what she walked away from - but I'm afraid she's too stubborn, too proud, and too surrounded by other divorced people to ever come back.However a small voice inside feels so betrayed, that this so over, and makes me just want to get far away. I guess I just have to figure out which voice to listen to.

I guess I'll just take the sep and divorce paperwork slow, continue DBing, and not rush things. Should I go dark?Dim?