Well, FWIW, I read your story, trying to put myself in H's shoes. And I have to say, that sounds like a TERRIBLE evening. Dragged to a party that even you are pretty lukewarm about, where I knew no one, crowded, loud, dark, long, mediocre food, overweight belly dancers, Zumba music that even you hate... Um, yuck, sounds like a night in hell!
He spent all night trying to escape from this party - not from you, but from the party. First, the pizza excuse. Sure, he extended that as long as he could - so would I. Then, let's just get honest about it: "I'll wait outside." Finally, getting around to just saying it: "Get me out of here!"
Next time you want to attend one of these events, give H a "pass". You don't have to do everything together - if your GAL activities are not for him, that's OK.
Look at this from the "relationship point of view" rather than focusing on the specifics of this one evening. What can you learn here? What can he learn? Can you use this event to communicate better in the future, about activities you might do together (or not), to make sure you don't end up in a similar fix?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Here is my two-cents: 1) It was good of you to buy two tickets to an event that you were looking forward to. But it should have been OK with you if your H politely turned you down then you could have taken another friend.
2) You did great when he went out to get pizza etc.
3) If he wanted to leave so badly for so long then he should have told you so and you would have politely let him go home or go with him
I think you H thought he HAD to stay but didn't express his wish to leave to either make you angry or to leave you feeling abandoned so he did the next best thing that males like to do, to put up with it and let the resentment build-up. Which is worse!
If your M is like this then it will get worse, not better. So when the time is right (my counsellor says after lunch) talk to him about opening communication: i.e. he doesn't have to do every event with you and you won't get upset, he can leave anytime he wants to and it would be OK with you; to bring his cellphone so that you can find each other; to not let resentment build up over time; to let these guidelines apply both ways. M should not be a prison, it should be a wonderful thing, but it doesn't mean that you 'owe' each other. Acknowledge his feelings that he didn't enjoy himself and that you understand. I think he might have felt that you acted without his interests at heart and have taken offence.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Yeah, my first and biggest mistake was buying 2 tickets. And I should have known better. But since this was my first "hafla", I asked the teacher if I should come alone or bring him, and she said "definitiely, bring him." Shouldn't have listened.
Rob, nice of you to try to put yourself in his shoes. But you have to understand that we have been married for almost 30 years, and he's been dragged to all kinds of dance events -- ballet, modern, jazz, mime, and now bellydance all those years. And a lot of it has been awful. When my daughter was younger she would go with me, and people said they didn't know I had a husband. But now she's off at college, and it was a Saturday night. The one night of the week that we go out. So that's why I took him. But I won't take him again. And I don't think even I will go again, although I do like to be supportive of my teacher.
He's off riding his new bicycle. When he comes home, I will apologize for taking him. He'll get over it. I thought he went home and was watching the b-ball on tv when he was gone last night. But he said he spent most of the night in the car in the parking lot. I don't know why, we weren't 5 miles from the house. I don't know why he wouldn't have driven home and watched the games. I'm sure missing the b-ball is part of the reason he is angry.
Sara, I am reading and learning. I think things like that can happen between a couple even when things in general are fine. Just take notes and make sure you both understand what happened and why. But I am sure you dont need advice on that, you are a veteran!!! Love K
Turns out, he got over it. When he got home this morning, he said he would go prune the shrubs that I asked him to do yesterday. I decided to just let him go without trying to supervise. He went out for about 2 minutes, and then asked me to come out and show him what I want cut. (Big surprise! He hates to be told what to do.)
So I went out and apologized for taking him to the hafla last night. He said he decided to forgive me, because he believed that I didn't know what it was. Then we both laughed about the really fat women dancing with sheets over their faces. It reminded me of what my father always used to say about ballet recitals: "Unbelievable! It's not easy to teach an elephant to dance!" So true in this case.
So he set about cutting the shrubs, and I piled the debris at the street. And we started the banter that we used to do all the time, but haven't done lately. That was really good. It reminded both of us of who we were when we met and were initially attracted to each other, and that had nothing to do with bellydancing. Whew!
Good story Sara and something we all can learn from. We get so caught up in the image of marriage being that we do everything together and if one is unhappy we think its becasue of us when in fact its just about the activity. Loved how you guys laughed it off. Thanks for sharing. And I don't think this was any sign of trouble in your M -- it's showed two people in a R with different interest and different tolerance level. I will try to remember this story in my R, if we are able to work things out.
Hi Sara, when you were wanting people to debate the "Love is a Decision" topic, I could have given the negative side about a year ago.....maybe less. In fact, I did write quite a lengthy post to somebody about that. But, at that particular time, I was not in a "good place" and I was still angry over my stitch.
I have read in some books where the author does not believe in "falling" in love. They do not believe in falling "out" of love, either. Maybe another debate, I don't know.
I have come to think that people do fall in love (for a lack of a better term) and feel the passion and desire to be with that person. I believe that God gives us that desire and raises that libido or we would never reproduce (lol). I do, however, believe a person has control over who they fall in love with. I always told my kids that they would marry somebody they dated. Now days, people don't even "date"......they can just work with another person or have some other association with them and say they have fallen in love. I do believe that at some conscious or unconscious level that we still have control over "who" we allow feeling to enter. If we have a standard and a individual person does not meet that standard, then we may subconsciously write them off our list to fall in love with. I do believe that people can have very strong physical attraction at first sight, but I think you have to know that person a little bit before you actually "love" them. But, thank God for that sexual attraction!
It is after you have lived with that person and seen all their "uglies" and you can still say you love them.....that counts. Some people call that unconditional love....but I don't. I think that is a different subject and I have expressed my thoughts on that on other posts, so I won't get into it here.
In my stitch, I made the "choice" to stay in my M and to work at getting things back on track again. Call it choosing to love or whatever......that is what I did. At the time, there was no passion or physical attraction. I knew I loved my H but I thought it was more like loving a relative. I have found out that in time, your feelings that you once thought were gone.....can return if you put some effort into it.
I think the bottom line to all of this is the fact that we are creatures created with a will of our own who can make choices.....even about love. I don't think anyone has fallen in love with a person they did not want to love. Movies may appear that women are swept off their feet in spite of fighting their feelings, but I doubt that in real life it is that way. However, we females may fantasize of that happening.....LOL.
Oh well, just thought I would throw my thoughts out there for whatever it's worth.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
