Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

Ok, that ain't good then. She says she still loves me, doesn't want a divorce but is buying more furniture for her apartment? @#@$@#$#@$@#!@!@ That makes sense though, now that I think about it. Very frustrating.

FWIW, my W told me in 2005 that we needed MC; because she was thinking about having an A. Literally, she told me that.

But in my DAMness; I ignored or I just underestimated the importance of what she was saying. My point is that there probably were some signs; but as a DAM you may have overlooked them.

Master, that is a good one, I am no master, maybe a jedi in training but not a master.

Listen to Puppy, you cannot believe anything, she is trying to look for signs from you to justify her decisions, you have to act "as if" towards her, it is hard I know, because your natural instinct is to pursue her, find out what is going on, asking her why she is doing the things she is doing to make sense of it. Let me tell you, they will make very little sense.

My best advice to you, is start doing things that do not include her, maybe you and your D can go to a park and laugh it up and have fun! Real fun! Get a baby sitter and go out with the guys one night, have some fun . This will get her thinking of what she is missing, and will stop her total inward thinking of the justifications of her actions. If you are telling us the whole story, it looks as if she is already looking for signs to come back, but she is scared it will turn out the way things were in the past.

Stay the course, it is the straightest path to where you want to go.

Burt

AFWAW: IMO, the building of their independent life has been the hardest for me to deal with, too. In my case it is more than just furniture: a refrigerator/freezer, washer/dryer, artwork for the walls, a car, working on her german driver's license and on getting her german citizenship back, starting classes that last until September... it sure looks like she is planning on staying for a while.

My W also says she doesn't want a D. Why do you think that is? Are we just the back-up plans, the insurance policy if their independent lives fail? Or, deep-down, do they believe that this is just a phase and want to return after they have this out of their system?

Whichever it is, it is damn painful.

dburt,
I hope and pray you are correct in your anaylsis. I have not given her anything to justify her decision in my mind. I have stopped pursuing, don't call(unless she asks)and do my damn best I can at having a PMA. I will not lie--it is difficult at times and I think she senses that. I have not gotten into an argument with her either. I have become the master at validating. My daughter and I have built our own routine and once the intial shock wears off I think we will find some stuff to do. Maybe I will take her to the beach this weekend? Thanks very much for your input and positive words!

PortlandDad,
I hear you loud and clear. If she doesn't want a divorce then why is she getting into debt? I mean, I'll pay for it if she wants to move back but come on. Wouldn't an expensive vacation be more sensible and more fun?

It sounds like your wife doesn't know what she wants either. I can only hope that both of them hit rock bottom quickly, wake up one morning and say to themselves, WTF am I doing, I need to get my ass back home. Oh crap, what if my husband won't take me back? Yeah right, now I'm dreaming. I would take mine back in a sec at this point. The problem is, she doesn't want to and I fear that as more time passes she will want to less and less. CRAP!!!!!!

AFWAW,
Testify! My W is blowing money like it's nothing. They just don't think rationally. Maybe that is just LBH logic; A vacation, or cruise, or a new car would be so much better than what they are spending it on.

Yeah, I would take mine back, too, but I've gotten a bit less anxious as the months have dragged on. She would have to show that she has changed a bit, too. Honestly, if you met your W in a bar right now, would you want to date her?

mmmyeah, I guess I would... I must not be as detached as I thought.

The irony is, that if we are doing DB right, our W's are supposed to want to be with us more and more as time passes, not less and less.

Not the way to feel, the more time passes, the more likely she will have that WTF moment. Its kinda zinlike, the less you want something the more likely it will come to you. Again, start doing things with your daughter without her.

By the way is there another man involved, that can derail things.

Burt

From what I've heard there are only two ways to deal with the OM: one, and definitely the less sanguine way of dealing with them, is to just be the better man; become the white knight, the paragon of maleness and the one she would be crazy to leave.

The other way to deal with an OM is high-velocity lead poisoning... Not that I would recommend it, mind you, but that recurring dream does help me sleep at night.

"What you do is you take a knife, and you cut the bottom of the hamstring, just above the Achilles . . ." LOL