Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rough and Ugly Four Months going on LIfe

Hi MsM,

Yes I think so. The job I have now is the bane of my existence so to speak. and this new one is what I have been working toward for years.

NEXT is me just sheding burden

I could type all day about how I have ended up being on shift but the short of it is it gets old, real old if you enjoy being around your family.

Almost every argument my wife and I have ever had contains the fact that I work shift and always have and I promised I would only be on it for five years when we first met. With my shift you have a lot of time off to yourself. Since we work 12 hour days you only work 15 days a month. Every argument would go into resentment of that free time. So I never heard that she was lonely and missed me. All I ever heard was a sort of petty jealously that I ahd days just to sit around but she didn't.

It isn't until recently that I understood better. I have been discussing life with two women I know. Both married to guys with similar schedules. Both have defended me and said my wife should be more supportive of my need to work shift. But the funny thing is both started talking about that same feeling of resentment they have because their husband gets a day without kids and doens't do anything but play video games. It was like being in an episode of the twilght zone. It was if they were reading from the same script. They used the same words my wife did. I never really understood that it didn't matter what I thought. My wife was dealing with her percption and I should not have dimissed that so easily.

I remeber one night after she told me she wanted a divorce we had argued and then when she was crying I laid down next to her and held her. All she kept saying was how lonely she was because I wasn't around and how she didn't want to continue to live alone. That night was the first time I ever really heard her and how it really was me not being here at night and on weekends that bothered her.

Sad and the problem is that it always bothered me also. But like any trouble marriage there is a flip side. I also felt pressure from my wife to make the money I was making. As a matter of fact she has become obsessd with money (income). So I was between a rock and a hard place.

Once again sad! You know my therapist that I saw several times when this first happened was amazed. She told me once, "you make really good money, your a caring guy and you go out of your way to help peole, don't get down on yourself, it's not your fault" and my response - " I had five years to find another job and didn't hardly try, you can change your entire life in five years! how can I fell postive about that?"

So yea, this job is a great thing. I just wish it didn't take a divorce and the threat of losing my daughter to get me out of my pathetic state of complacincy and pity.

Kenn, I commend you on making a very difficult decision. Ultimately you need to do what is best for you and your daughter. It SUCKS that OM is also in Denver. But only you can weigh the pros and cons and determine what's best for you so I support your decision. And most of us who are in sitchs with cheaters have the OP in the same town and/or very nearby. So yes, it will give your W more opportunity to be with OM, but who's to say she wouldn't find OM #2 who is local to wherever you live if the distance to OM #1 became tiresome? Just trying to be realistic here.

I'm happy you have the opportunity for a great job. That is no small feat in this economy. So make the most of it! And let me know when you plan to move, we can have some GAL activity get togethers if you get here before I leave!

Hey Kenn, Two things really hit home with me with your post.

First - about your arguing w/ your W about not spending time. In my sitch, when my H got caught up doing his own hobbies (his band) & that cut into our Sunday bike rides. I would ask him if he could change band practice time so we could go biking ie spend time together. Why - because I missed him & doing something fun together. Did I ever come out & tell him I missed him. Honestly, I can't remember - but probably not. I gave him hints instead. What was one of the reasons he gave when he left - he felt so alone. Strange isn't it?

Second - Your job. My H turns screws (factory job), then he got an office job with the company, then they restructured, back to turning screws & now helps to oversee production. He's smart, but has no degrees, no real schooling. Like him, probably like you, this all hurt his self esteem, his worth, self confidence & pride. There was nothing I could do for him to help him regain this. All I could do was support his decisions.

Only you know what will make you happy & only you have the control to do that. Keep walking with your eyes open!

Thanks PH,

I know it will be hard but that's what I figure. I jsut kind of figured she would start dating here sometime. Unless there she is questioning some decision but her actions don't indicate this.

GAL sound good. It will be about two months before we make a permanent move.

I understand the desire to go back to some place you love. SF.

MsM,

I guess that with some 300 million people in America it shouldn't be that odd when a story repeats itself. Your husbands position has similarities and the results are consistent.

I worked at a nuclear plant prior to here. My wife got a great promotion to move up here. So we discussed it and moved here. She became the higher salary in the family. The idea was I would use that opportunity to get a non shift work job at a lower salary and work my way backup the ladder. But I couldn't get any work and ran my put aside savings out. So I put out resumes in my field and got hired imediately. My current employer misled me (and no that is not an exageration) that they would be building a second plant with opportunities in a year or so. That was 6 years ago. The job I took here was below my skill level and I only took it because of the opportunitie that were to come later.

Mistake #5 - I began to vent at home to my wife. Thinking she was my wife and the person I could share my problems with. Too much negativity. Imagine someone coming home every day and complaining when you job is everything you have ever wanted. It gets old.

Lesson Learned #5 - leave the negativity at the door. never again bring it all into the house and dump it on your family. I let the job define me. I let the job put me in a state of depression! never again!

MsM,

The other one is talkiing to our spouse.

I know now that my wife has responsibilty in much of our problems but I can't deal or fix that. I can focus on where I think I made mistakes. I got in such a bad spot over the last year and a half.

Some friends here ask why I don't bad mouth my wife but the situation - I know where I was mentally. Like you mention you don't know if you ever told your husband that you missed him. I can tell you my wife did not but that she tried.

However, when I am honest with my self. Post divorce talk it amazes me how much I have changed. The honest truth - she was one of those people that always threw out the divorce threat in serious arguments,,,"well maybe we should just divorce then".

If she hadn't taken off her rings, I am not sure I would have heard her and taken a really serious look at myself. And when I did that, I did not like what I saw.

Unfortunatly as stated in the WAW description, by the time someone reaches that point they have already checked out. In my case and for others I just wish there was a way to get that enlightened felling without your marriage falling down around your ears.

A friend asked me once if she would have sat on the couch, taken my hands in hers and said I am lonely - would I have heard her. I think yes because I am kind of one of those service (move the house for her if she needed it) type guys. But that comes with hindsight so the honest truth is I don't know.

Musing....

The nice thing about DBing....

....For me it's so easy working on yourself. Once I opened my eyes, I took one look and saw that I hadn't done anything for me in a very long time, was not the person I use to be and wouldn't date myself given the chance. All the time being someone that all her friends said she was lucky to have. It was easy to come up with a set of goals and a plan to fix that.

The bad thing about DBing....

.... as far as your spouse - always having two doors (actions) to choose from and never knowing if you picked the right one.

Anyone who works 12 hour days deserves some time off. Don't beat yourself up over it. It was more to it than just the fact of you having free time. She is using that as an excuse.

There are many couples who deal with the same thing. I have a friend who works on the fire department and he works a 24 hour shift and off 3 days then back on. His wife said she misses him when he is gone but she knows it pays the bills.

Like I said, don't beat yourself up.

Thanks T2SP,

I have diffeering oppinions now. I think she probablly felt unhappy and thought this was one of the items that was the cause of being unhappy. She has always been one of those people that seeks out that strong romantic stage and thinks it should always be there. However we did last 16 years so something was right. This is one that came up over and over during the years. As I said, I started to not enjoy life and this was one of the problems. It's great when your're young and like the extra money but as you get older it starts to get old and time with your family becomes more important.

But in reflection I have made my list of things I could go back in time and change - and more importantly things that I will carry into the next relationship be it with my wife or someone else....

1. Letting our daughter become too much of a third player in our marriage. Lesson: daughter will grow up and leave, wife needs to be number one

2. Assuming wife knew I loved her and not showing her in the ways she needed (affection, holding hands, romance)

3. Letting our daughter stay up too late and cutting into the time we could ML. (side effect of the long hours and long drive to work)

4. Not having more social activities and fun (couples over for dinner, game night with other couples)

5. Less time on computer...this one is tough because I did this because I didn't like the TV shows she watched. So this goes back to doing things together.

6. Talked better about problems when we had then and apprecaited the fact that people have different perceptions about the same situation.

7. Letting our daughter laying down with us because she was afraid of the dark. Yea I know golden rule of first time parents broken!!

8. giving up my time to nurture male friends (anohter side effect of my schedule and saving all my free time for family)

9. Some common activity with my wife. We use to golf and fish together until daughter was born. Then we stopped and jsut never picked it back up.

10. Sit together on the couch. Not me at one end and her at the other because that's where we could set our drinks down on the end tables (ARGH!)

It really comes down to managing a child into our marriage better and making sure in some way my wife knew how I felt - not just taking it for granted that she did.

Now that said, your question a ways back, "do I want to get back together with my wife?" When this first started it was 'at all costs'. Now I realize that she would need to change some things also before it would work.

Ironic but there is a thread where people are listing books that have helped or they liked and would suggest. I have read a lot and the one thing I can't get out of my head is - I wish I would have read these 2 years ago

Woulda, coulda, shoulda....

I would think that is the hardest thing about LBS.

I have learned something new and made so many life adjustments since she first told me.

I know looking back I was in a state of depression for the last year, didn't respect my self, splept too much and didn't care about a lot. I remember driving home one day thinking if I died that it wouldn't matter. All the fun was gone. I was going through the motions of being a good husband and father but it felt like just going through the motions.

Now it's like having an awakening. I like myself again, I am trying to change the things about me I didn't like and being pretty successful at it. Doing the things that in the past I ahd found reasons (excuse) not too. And proud of myself.

It's good and the future looks great however the hardest thing is thinking you probablly won't get a second chance. That's a struggle.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.....