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I am new to the community.

My wife dropped the "I never loved you" on me 6 weeks ago. For her the divorce can't get here quickly enough.

My story:

We have been together 14 years, married almost 10 years. Looking back there were signs, but I either missed them, wrote them off to other factors, or didn't quite know what to do with them. I thought we were on good ground, and this year (09) was off to a more romantic start. I had to leave to go out of town for 2 weeks at the end of Jan, and when I got back was told that it was over, and that she thinks she married the wrong guy. I did all the wrong things and in snooping found that an ex-boyfriend from a year prior to our meeting had resurfaced. I called her on it and was told that it simply had nothing to do with our situation. Over 3 weeks of crying, pleading and a lot of heart to hearts the story has changed many times as to the reason for everything. We have 3 kids under 8 years old, my wife owns a business that has been losing money for a couple of years, but we were still hanging with it in hopes of better days. I am 44 and she will be 40 in less than a year.

I found Michelle's book and have just begun putting things in action. I wish I had it a year ago, it may have avoided all of this. Analyzing our real issues they are pretty basic, but real. We have lost our connection and passion, she felt alone with our kids due to work and 10 projects that always seemed to be the priority, and we communicate thru arguing, a bad habit we have not really ever tried to fix. She agreed to see a therapist with me, but just to address coparenting issues we will face in the future. Our therapist at the second session (4 weeks after our first conversation) told me that I am not hearing my wife tell me its over and that I just need to deal with it.

I would appreciate any advice I can get, and would welcome feedback. One issue I didn't see addressed in Michelle's book I have a question on. I have started with the 180 and last resort techniques very recently. And am trying to give her space and not appear over interested in her whereabouts. But we do continually argue and disagree on our divorce and the timing. Due to the newnesss and major financial considerations, I have told her that I am still trying to handle all that has been presented to me and am not in a place where I can do a lot to move forward. She is scheduling appointments for us to speak to attorneys so that we can plan the process out and try to settle in an amicible way. Should I tell her that I have not given up hope (which will send her into a tailspin), should I stall, should I remain firm, possibly undermining any good work I do in the 180...any info or tips would be very helpful.

The first thing you need to do:

Take a deep breath and don't panic. Don't rush to try to fix things.

If you want to have a serious chance at mending things you are going to have to change the dynamic between the two of you.

It takes two willing parties to argue. I would recommend your first step to be working on 100% no more arguing. This alone will make a huge difference in her perception of you.

How do you do this? The technique is listening and validating. You resolve not to argue with her anymore and replace your defenses with "I understand", "Okay, I can see how you would feel that way" and so on.

In your next post, please list all the things she has complained about you, and any 180s you are doing on them if so.

Lastly, I think the ex probably has everything to do with this, especially the "married the wrong man" comment. She may just be burned out on you (due to the fighting) and feeling infatuated with the fantasy of having something perfect with someone else. The first step to breaking that is significantly improving what she has with you.

Keep posting and I will try to check in with you again soon.

SF

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.

I think you are right on about the OM. She has said (and I have done some snooping and think this is the case), that she hasn't seen him, only communicated via phone and email/text. This was however her "one that ended too soon", so there was regret when she would share things about him in the past.

She would say:
Why do you always have to be right.
I not your child, you don't have to teach me.
I can do some things on my own, you know.
Why do you have to take over everything I do.
You lie/make stuff up just to prove your right.

She has a point and you can probably see a pattern here. I am one of those people that feels the need to solve other peoples problems.

In the past week or so (it has onlyh been 5 1/2 weeks since her announcement) I have stopped the negative communication. I have tried to be positive and up beat around her and the kids. I am trying to be gone more and focus on myself. I have lost weight and from spending an hour a day at the gym, am in the best shape since high school. The problem I am having is that because she wants to talk to me everyday about seeing a lawyer and starting the process, it is a constant source of arguments. I have tried to be calm and I explained that I just found out how she feels and am not in the same place as she is. I need some time to play catch up, but I try to assure her that I want to keep it civil. I have said that if she meets with a lawyer and she files before we have her business in a place where she can survive that we will only end up having me contest and a protracted legal fight. It will drag it out even longer and end up costing a lot. I have tried to ask her to give me a little time and I will probably come around to her way of thinking. Because she is waiting (I think) for us to be over legally before she starts up with the guy, she is HIGHLY motivated to have it over today. So how do I stand my ground, not fight, stall, not make her hate me more, and show her all the positive stuff when she doesn't want to be in the same room?

Additional info:
3 weeks ago she stated she was not comfortable in the same bed, so we alternate on the couch.
Her family is trying to be supportive, but they are enabling her with offers of money to help, etc.
When I left for the 2 weeks, she had her first contact with this guy thru facebook on day 2, by the time I got home the 2 of them had figured it all out.
She did not tell me or anyone else about the OM, I found out snooping (which I have stopped doing)

Hiya ChiTown. I hail from up that way (NW 'burbs) too. I'm sorry you're here.

I would be willing to bet that OM is putting pressure on her. It's a very common scenario for the cheating spouse to be withholding sex based on some internal "line-in-the-sand" that they have morally. It could be the day the divorce is final (wouldn't that be nice), or it could be the day it's filed, or perhaps something else, but it would be some point at which she would no longer feel like she was betraying you if she got physical with this guy.

They may have even gotten physical already, and she may have told him "that can't happen again while I'm still married." You know us guys -- we can be pretty persistent.

If you're not ready to divorce, there's no reason you have to be as quick and agreeable as she wants you to be. Simply tell her "I'm not ready for this yet, and want to wait."

As for the marital bed, I suggest that you get back into it 100% of the time. If SHE'S not comfortable with you next to her, then SHE can leave.

Be prepared for her to scream bloody murder at both things, though.

Puppy

Another NW 'burbs guy checking in. You are in good hands with the pup.

That Facebook is an amazing tool for guys prowling to start things up with old girl friends and such. One day you might see a book or at least some editorials written about affairs started via facebook.

I'm another Chitown Burbs guy too. Youre sitch is so eerily similar to mine that I had to make sure I didn't actually write it.

I cant write much right now since I'm typing on a phone while out in Vegas for the weekend. But try to stay strong. This has been the hardest time of my life so far. But I'm still trying to focus and stay positive, and trying hard to not backslide.

But after a couple days in Vegas so far and seeing how the other guys are "having fun (and I don't mean gambling fun), I know I truly still love my wife cause I find that I still can't get myself to want to have any part of that kind of "fun". She'll probably never actually even know how much I do love her even when 'tested' this weekend cause the bachelor party trip will never be spoken about outside the group of guys. w

I forgot to say that like already mentioned, you have to change it up so the arguments stop. Validate her feelings and stop anypressure/pursuing. My W was pushing for one us to move out before too. But partially due to circumstances and the fact we don't argue and I don't try to pursue anymore, we are still in the same household. It doesn't seem like our R is any better, but delaying that next step is still seen as a gain to me. Though it does make it harder to not think about the R, at least maybe it allows time for her to let the changes I have made sink in.

Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. I am trying the 180 and last resort techniques and have seen some subtle signs that it is having an effect. What do you do about family events that you feel like you should be attending, not super important ones, but like dinner and getting the cousins together to play. Because my 180 involves spending a lot more time with the kids, I am trying to insist on being there. Our relatives make me feel welcome, so that is not the issue. My wife says that it will ruin her day if I am there and I also need to give her a lot of space as a part of my pull back. Any thoughts??

I agree. The best way for her to feel the lack of tension and the disappearance of the arguments is by living under the same roof. She will also have a birds eye view of any changes that are apparent in your behavior. When you get time, I would love to hear your whole story since it is similar to mine. Keep the faith!

Stay in the house for sure. Stay in the bed. It is SO screwed up how they want to end things but you should leave. Nope, stay put.

There are however two issues here to deal with. One is setting boundries calmly and firmly, like staying in the house and bed. The other is diffusing as much tension short term as possible. You want to avoid fights, pursueing and all that kind of stuff. Let me ask you, if this event were coming up pre-bomb, would missing it be such a big deal? My take would be, is take each event and situation on in individual case basis. In this instance, if it is more her family, than maybe this time you can pass. You can spend more time with the kids the next day, that night, or whatever. If it is your family, you can't have her telling you how to live your life with your family. Still, in this case, there will be lots of time to spend with the kids (aren't they off all week around here?), you could stay away from this particular event, might help to bleed off some steam between you two.