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Heh, CL, on a different subject: check out the thread called "Book on Self Improvement" by Thinker. I bet you could contribute!

My W asked me to practice dancing with her tonight. I have to live with her, and I could always use the practice, so I said yes. I don't believe it's a sign of anything hopeful, except that we can have a platonic R, and still dance together. I would hope that if we were to D, we could go to a venue with new partners, and still dance together as friends.

CL

Hi CL, you might feel differently in time after a D about this or your new respective partners might.
But it is an attitude in line with your "niceness" and a good thought.

I went out dancing again last night to keep up with practicing. I danced a rumba with a lady who's been dancing for ten years (I've been dancing for four years). It was a thrill and the highlight of my evening. She complimented me on my timing. My confidence keeps building.

My W asked me to comment on how she looked prior to going out dancing with her friend, this evening. It seemed like a boyfriend-girlfriend type of exchange that I wasn't comfortable with nor interested in.

She said that her friend is trying to influence her to take a more positive approach with people. She seems to be practicing this approach. I'm for anything that will make living with her easier.

I'm still working on the acceptance mindset. I know I'm still resisting the situation, because I want her to go away. I know that's not the way to end a R. I have to work on not wanting to lean so much into the future and live moment to moment, day to day.

CL

If only it was that easy!

I seem to have the most trouble when I'm in the house with my W. I find myself being irritable and abrupt with her. She wants to connect, and I keep a distance. I don't even let her get physically close to me.

The rain prevented me from going to the dog park last night, so I stayed home. I retreated to my bedroom, and napped and read.

Her dance friend who she is likely having an EA/PA with, stopped by for them to go out dancing and be together for the weekend. He is in the process of getting a D.

My W tapped on the door, asking if I would like to bring the puppy out to socialize. I pretended I was asleep, and didn't respond.

She seems to be making an effort to be friendly with me.
When she returns from a restaurant outing, she offers me the doggie bag.

I guess I need some time to adapt to the current circumstances. My GAL plan is sound (dancing 3X/week, writing daily and going to readings and writing events, taking care of my puppy) and will keep me busy and connecting with people on a regular basis.

My work life is going well, and I enjoy the community of colleagues. I make a point of eating in the lunchroom with a group most days. Our department is having a cookout next week to take a break from the daily grind.

I'm resisting connecting to my W on any level. Her neice's ice skating show is coming up in April. She is used to me being her chauffer for the two hour drive--not this year.

A recent poster confronted me, that I was playing it too safe, and that I needed to put more effort into the M, and experiment with some 180's. I think this is a time for empowerment, as I seem unbalanced. I think it's time to dim the bulb even further, out of respect for myself, and find a boundary I can be comfortable and live with.

I need to time to adapt to the situation. I need to listen to and stay with the emotions. I need to be patient with myself. I need to see how I'm creating my own suffering, when I do so.

I'm working thru Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, and listen to her audio podcasts on my commute to and from work.

I plan on going to the dogpark today with my sheep puppy dog. I have a dance and workshop to go to tonight for social connection. I have the cooking job tomorrow.

I don't think I'm currently standing for the M at this time. I'm also not waiting for my W to pursue reconciliation. I'm focusing on self-care, and seeing how this situation evolves.

CL

I understand that you have a need to protect yourself and your feelings, and I respect that. You are the one that has to live with your Wife, not me.

BUT...

I feel you are too detached, and on the verge of becoming a real jerk and a hard arse.

You need some balance in your life.

If you are truly done and want this Woman out of your life then move on, get a Divorce and be done.

Head games don't work and neither does revenge.

You may feel empowered right now and totally in control, but it isn't the real happiness and fulfillment you are seeking.

Just my humble opinion.......

BND,
I read your posts and I think I'm either clueless about myself or you're seeing something that I'm not.

I avoid contact with my W so I don't act like a jerk. I'm struggling to get to a place where I can be cordial.

I'm striving for the balance in my life you're describing. It's going to take some time. It's an adjustment being part of the dance community as being a married single person. It's also an adjustment being totally responsible for my own social life.

I've been standing for this M, ever since the initial separation, and thru all the sleeping elsewhere and her depression. I'm now having doubts, and this is new. I'm trying to make sense of these new feelings.

I am not consciously playing games, or seeking revenge, or trying to harm my W or the R. My issue, and the feedback I receive most consistently is that I'm too nice, and allow my W to harm and be disrespectful towards me. My issue is enacting boundaries, not restraining toxic emotions.

The problem is I don't feel empowered, and need to work on becoming more so. I don't feel in control and need some distance and boundaries in order to accept the lack of control I have in my life right now.

The way you read me doesn't fit with how I see myself, and how my IC sees me, and how those who have followed my threads see me.

The one thing you say does resonate. The advice is if I am done, don't procrastinate and move towards a D.

My question is, do I have to know what I want right now? Even if I decide I want to D, it's still a planning process of how to make it happen, and to accept the consequences dropping such a bomb will bring.

CL

oh CL I am dissappointed,

to the best of my knowledge dogs do not shrink in the rain or can only walk/ play on dry days.
Yes a bit more effort is required to both get waterproofs on and dry wet dog off but once your out he will love it and I guarantee your mood will pick up.
No ifs and buts your puppy needs his walk and sounds like you do too.A bored puppy soons becomes a destructive puppy.

Maybe BD has some valid points, only you can decide that.
Take care.

Naej,
You're right, I should have adapted and took my dog to the dog park anyway. I was being fussy about the rain and dampness. I also could have gone to a poetry reading, but I was being fussy because it wasn't prose.

I set myself up for a difficult evening and too much time spent with my W. I didn't have the resilience to deal with my W.

BND is provocative, so I will think about her points, and as you say determine which ones are valid. I appreciate her candor, even though my ego is bruised initially.

She is right about my needing more balance (and also connection in my life). Loneliness is probably a factor at this time.

I made a mistake last night, and will try to make sure I stay active in the evenings, so I can keep emotional boundaries in place, and not spend more time with my W than I am capable of at this time.

My puppy and I made it to the dog park this morning. I kept him on a leash, but at some point will need to let him roam with the other dogs. I think he'll be OK.

CL