Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy You'll never see me fall from grace

Ok, so I skipped a line, but this one seems to fit better with my continuing saga than "Sometimes I cannot feel my face."

Yesterday was a BAD day kiddies. It brought me back to the time right before and right after H left. Everything was my fault, things can't be this way, etc... By the time I got home I didn't WANT to talk to him anymore. I agree completely that things can't be that way. I also agree that I have been in an extremely edgy, touchy, bitchy mood the last couple of days, but I can't take credit for ALL of yesterdays fun. All of his stress from work, OW, gambling away all of his $$ the first day he got paid all got dumped on me. I admit part of it was me because there were opportunities for me to keep my mouth shut or choose a different way of saying something and I chose not to. I was in a bad mood and what he was saying and doing pissed me off. I should have made better choices, but I didn't. I will next time.

What it did though was scare the hell out of me. I'm not sure that either one of us is going to be able to do what is needed to make this right. I can tell that we have taken several HUGE steps backward and I'm trying to have as little contact as possible today. Everyone just needs to breathe and process at their own pace. It wasn't even really that bad or big of a deal but I am unwilling to assume blame for things that have nothing to do with me and I'm also not going to stuff my feelings into a box and pretend they don't exist.

Part of me feels good about this because I can really tell that I've let go, but there is another part of me that is really scared and confused because I can tell I've really let go. If that makes ANY sense.

What do you think about letting H know that reconciling is still a possibility but only after counseling, and then only talk to each other at those sessions, not in between? I think you are feeling the overwhelming task of what would need to be done in order to repair and a mediator to help the talks you would need to have would probably be in order. You would both have to commit to only talking at these sessions as well as his total transparency to you so that you wouldn't be doing all of this for naught if he was still seeing OW.

I remember the overwhelmimg feeling I had with just having to talk about the affair. I knew then that the only way we could do that is if we did so with a counselor to help us through it. You have more to talk about than just the affair even. I can't imagine doing that without any help.

WDID I totally agree. H actually agrees too. Personally I think that he went to IC on Tuesday afternoon and it ALWAYS brings up stuff for him.

If and when we get to the place where we decide that we are going to try again then we will have to go to someone for a while so the boundaries can be established and there is someone there to help us navigate the gray areas.

I'm just feeling a sense of panic that maybe its all going to be so overwhelming that its really just not worth it. We have a lot to talk about besides the A and I think a contact break would be a good thing for us. Thanks, your insight is always so valuable to me.

It is worth it, if your H commits equally as you. Yes, it would be the hardest thing you have ever gone through, and you would have to work through some things no one should ever have to go through,.... I say a lot that there have been many times where I thought how much easier it would have been to just cut my losses and run. The easier thing and the best thing are two different things. Now, I thank God every day for the family he saved for me. I'm so lucky. If you both can commit to work and change, you will feel the same, and your children will be so lucky, too. You can't do it alone, however, and I say again that your H has to be totally "in this" as well.

Hang in there, Sugar. I'll send a prayer your way right now.

And, yep, I agree that no contact unless with a counselor is the best right now. If you feel you can reconcile, start the counselor as soon as possible.

((((((sugar)))) Im sorry, stay strong, and I would lay low and just take care of you right now.

xxoo Tal

How are you doing, Corey?

Hoping things are a little more clearer today.

(((((S&S)))))

OMG lady I have been thinking about you. How are YOU?!?!?! As usual, things are no clearer and I have to exercise self control, but I'm in too far to quit now.

((((Tal)))) I need to come by and catch up, you hang in there sweetie.

OK, everyone who has been through this. How do I get through their "break up?" Hell this is even harder than the A. He has apparently told her that he wants to give us another try. I know this because I have seen a couple of text messages that she sent him back indicating, "since we are no longer together", etc...
He is moody, pissy, depressed and its bugging the $hit out of me. I want to believe that its real, but the death throes of their R are just WHATEVER (please imagine me rolling my eyes, damn near out of their sockets)so hard to take. I find myself questioning if I really want to even deal with this anymore. I don't know, but I need some advice on how to just let it roll off my back and move forward without causing more damage to an already unsteady committment?

Keep busy. He will need to go through withdrawal of her. He may reach out to you during this time with wanting connection. I remember asking my husband to text me/email me a lot because otherwise I would have felt the emptiness all the more. I was constantly in contact with the OM who made me feel good. I wanted me husband to be the one that loved me and did those things. When he is moody/depressed, etc. just let him be. I laid in bed a lot and my husband just let me be. When he's not laying/depressed, keep busy. If you can do things with other people together that would be good, too. Family things are good, too. Hope that helps. Sorry....it WILL be hard to stomach I imagine.

Mostly because they will never be able to completely cut off the relationship because of the baby. The contact will always have to be maintained and that just freakin' sucks. She is also one to use the kids as an emotional bargaining chip.

Its more of a push me, pull you situation right now. He starts fights and is crabby with me, which pisses me off and makes me wonder why I would even bother.

Not fun, thanks for the advice.

Yeah...you are in the toughest position you could be in. He can't break off total contact. That will be a huge mountain to climb and one he will constantly be climbing.

When he starts fights, say you'll talk about it later when you are both calm and leave. You will only lose ground fighting. Leave him alone a lot...it will also give him time to prove himself to you and show you he really is going to do this. Most of what he is going to deal with is inside him. There is nothing you can do but stay calm, and when you can't, leave asap.