So, all the drumrolling and lead up has amounted to naught for the moment as my attorney is out.
W didn't give me dissolution papers, didn't announce she was ending her affair, and never responded to my email about "are we 100% done?"
So, some updates: TIRES: Well, I offered to meet W at the local tire store, and she said she couldn't as she was spring cleaning. * pin drop * Okaaaaaaay.... I guess I won't broach that subject again!
RANDOM: I was making iced tea and couldn't remember how much Splenda to put in - W makes the best iced tea, and I know how to do it now!
RANDOM 2: She called me earlier in the day to tell me S6 hurt his knee, and wanted me to come carry him when she dropped them off. Pretty funny actually - S6 is gimping along like his knee is all locked up.
RANDOM 3: I sent a follow up email to my "are we 100% done" email just saying I was making sure it had come through. Pearl recommended against this, and she is probably right, but I couldn't make a decision like this without trying.
Journaling:
So, here is the weirdest part of all. I haven't heard from W on all of this, and for about the last week and a half the kids have been saying A LOT of stuff about us getting back together - just saying stuff like "If you guys get back together, will we live at the apartment or at home?" and so on. They have never talked like this before in the whole almost 3 years.
I sat them down, and explained to them that I was going to divorce Mommy. I told them the only reason that I was going to was because husbands and wives shouldn't have other people that they are with - trying to bring down to their level. D8 said, "Yep that's what Mommy's doing!" So, I said I wasn't sure what the relationship was, but anything like that wasn't right. D8 said, "It's just not fair to you."
So, I told them that I would love to have our family whole, and I had asked Mommy for that, and asked her to stop the affair. I said it was up to Mommy, but she hadn't done it, so I was going to file divorce.
They did pretty well with it, and it was easier than I thought.
So then things got weird. D8 told me all matter-of-fact, "Well, Daddy, I want you and Mommy to get back together, and I would love it, and be happy, but I want you and her to be happy, even if it means divorce." What a freakin' mature kid!
Then, weirdness again, probably the height of the week. I knew that OM and his kids hadn't come over this week, and they haven't missed in the last 9 weeks. Also, W ended school on Tuesday, so she had plenty of time all week, basically doing nothing.
D8 has been W's biggest cheerleader, even supporting OM at times. However, tonight she dropped her own little mini-bomb as we were talking about the divorce.
She said, "I don't think Mommy and OM are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Mommy used to talk to him almost every day, and now she doesn't talk to him very much at all in a long time. So, I'm not even sure if they are friends anymore."
Well, knock me over with a feather! I'm not sure if this explains W's strange behavior or further complicates it.
So, I guess W gets a two-day extension by default of my attorney, but geez.
Ack, don't you just hate it when you have a plan all ready and then something you didn't even think about screws it up? Very anticlimactic.
I know this is a frustrating time for you, especially this past week. Sounds like W is just trying to ignore the sitch like xBF was doing with me. Taking action is a little scary, but I know it was the right thing for me to do. I hope you feel the same way.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
{{{JD}}} UGH..hate when you build up to do something and then somehow you can't..
I'm glad your kids sounded so good..I think kids take things so amazingly well at times and really just want US happy, while we spend 825000 hours trying to make sure they are happy
I hope you have a great weekend!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
So, some updates: TIRES: Well, I offered to meet W at the local tire store, and she said she couldn't as she was spring cleaning. * pin drop * Okaaaaaaay.... I guess I won't broach that subject again!
RANDOM: I was making iced tea and couldn't remember how much Splenda to put in - W makes the best iced tea, and I know how to do it now!
RANDOM 2: She called me earlier in the day to tell me S6 hurt his knee, and wanted me to come carry him when she dropped them off. Pretty funny actually - S6 is gimping along like his knee is all locked up.
RANDOM 3: I sent a follow up email to my "are we 100% done" email just saying I was making sure it had come through. Pearl recommended against this, and she is probably right, but I couldn't make a decision like this without trying.
Journaling:
So, here is the weirdest part of all. I haven't heard from W on all of this, and for about the last week and a half the kids have been saying A LOT of stuff about us getting back together - just saying stuff like "If you guys get back together, will we live at the apartment or at home?" and so on. They have never talked like this before in the whole almost 3 years.
I sat them down, and explained to them that I was going to divorce Mommy. I told them the only reason that I was going to was because husbands and wives shouldn't have other people that they are with - trying to bring down to their level. D8 said, "Yep that's what Mommy's doing!" So, I said I wasn't sure what the relationship was, but anything like that wasn't right. D8 said, "It's just not fair to you."
So, I told them that I would love to have our family whole, and I had asked Mommy for that, and asked her to stop the affair. I said it was up to Mommy, but she hadn't done it, so I was going to file divorce.
They did pretty well with it, and it was easier than I thought.
So then things got weird. D8 told me all matter-of-fact, "Well, Daddy, I want you and Mommy to get back together, and I would love it, and be happy, but I want you and her to be happy, even if it means divorce." What a freakin' mature kid!
Then, weirdness again, probably the height of the week. I knew that OM and his kids hadn't come over this week, and they haven't missed in the last 9 weeks. Also, W ended school on Tuesday, so she had plenty of time all week, basically doing nothing.
D8 has been W's biggest cheerleader, even supporting OM at times. However, tonight she dropped her own little mini-bomb as we were talking about the divorce.
She said, "I don't think Mommy and OM are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Mommy used to talk to him almost every day, and now she doesn't talk to him very much at all in a long time. So, I'm not even sure if they are friends anymore."
Well, knock me over with a feather! I'm not sure if this explains W's strange behavior or further complicates it.
So, I guess W gets a two-day extension by default of my attorney, but geez.
Don't be so firm on the dates.
You've waited this long, waiting longer can't hurt.
Few things to mention:
1. Stop offering the tires, you've offered once, she knows about your kind gesture, if she wants to take you up on it, she will, if not she will find another way. Yes she is driving your kids around and while she does that she is responsible for them: time to give her some credit about being a responsible adult, if she continues to drive with tires that aren't up to spec, she will have to live with the consequences of her actions. If it bothers you that much that she drives your kids around with a car on bald tire, tell her that you will drive kids to/from places until she gets her tires taken care of. That way it's still up to her to take action and you're just taking care of your kids, not her. So again, stop offering the tires - it's a form of pursuing and it chases her away, trust me.
2. Continue your cheery, happy, nothing could be better attitude when she calls, when she asks for assistance with the kids, be there to help her. She could be finding reasons to talk to you or hear your voice. Think of it as her subtly pursuing you, put yourself in that frame of mind, stop being the chaser, imagine her chasing you. I think the call was just to say a few words to you.
3. Stop sending follow up emails about being 100% done, she's heard you a few times no doubt: in person, phone, email, etc. She knows what you're asking and it shows that you're pursuing big time, stop it, stop chasing her, it drives her away, especially at a time when it's possible she is having second thoughts and even has random thoughts about coming back.
Think about it this way, she's been with someone else and it's possible that relationship may be over and she realizes that the kinds of relationships that are formed when you cheat on your partner are born out of a quick excitement: originally that soda pop was fizzy & bubbly, now it's just flat & tasteless - that happens alot with these kinds of relationships. She may also be feeling guilt now, she screwed up and her bad karma is coming around to bite her in the a$$ now - that's how it works. You mess with someone's life energy to be extremely selfish and when that karma is released, it takes it's time, circles the planet and then comes back with the negative energy she put out. How did you feel when this all began? Hurt, betrayed, speechless, dumbfounded, brokenhearted, painful, weak, sad, depressed, angry, hurt? How do you feel now? I would have to say 100% different - you've taken charge of your life, showed her you can live without her and that it's actually ok, better than ok, it's great. How's her life now? Her bad karma came back and it's biting her in the a$$ right now: relationship with the OM is possibly over (I bet you it is), she has to be responsible for herself now, on top of that duties she once shared with you in taking care of the kids are resting on her shoulders now when she has them, no one to turn to, a crap job that pays poorly, lack of funds, no partner to turn to, life is starting to appear bleak & tough. It's her life lesson to learn, let her learn it.
If you're there always pursuing her, she'll always know she can have you whenever she wants - if that's the case, she'll take her time if she ever decides to come back and even then I would be suspicious because of her possibly repeating her crap behavior.
Make her work for it. Stop being easy. Don't ask her if you guys are over.
Adopt the mindset that it is over. Don't ask her anymore. Don't pursue her, chase her. Act cheerful, happy, have the attitude that it's great to be alive and life is great. Keep on getting a life and doing things.
Don't give her ultimatums: don't scare anyone into submission, you would want her to come back because she loves you, she is sorry for what she has done to you and is willing to work hard to earn your trust back through positive consistent actions that prove she can be trusted. If you keep telling her you're going to a divorce and this is it, you're telling her that you're waiting for her to submit to your pressure - that sucks, it isn't inviting. She basically is in dumpsville now and you're asking her to go from one bad situation to another - if she wants to come back, she has to pursue you not be pursued & forced into it.
You've done well with going dark and detaching, keep on doing it. Take care of yourself and make yourself & your kids your #1 priority and don't worry about her right now. Be kind & pleasant with her and stop talking about the relationship, stop using logic, stop communicating what you want, stop trying to solve this problem. Just let it be.
Your life is ok right now, no need to rush to the lawyers for you to live your life right now - aside from the expense and the paper that says you're divorced, I don't see how things will be much different: you will still have regular contact with her concerning the kids and that contact will also keep giving you the same feelings of possibly wanting her back.
No ultimatums, give the divorce attorney a break and don't pursue that right now, stop chasing her, just live your life and continue taking care of JD.
That's it, my 0.02 cents - hope this perspective is worth it.
You're getting lots of signals possibly from your karma and her's or the man upstairs to put a break on your current actions and let the world continue unfolding as it is doing. Stay in that rushing "river", don't come out yet to dry, it's not time yet.
Remember 180's, do the opposite of what they expect you to do. Apply that to what you're doing now, put a break on your actions to dissolve the marriage, just continue living your life and making JD the best possible person he can be.
If the OM is truly out of the picture, now more than ever is the time to make yourself into the most attractive man possible and that means no ultimatums, pressure, manipulation, pursuing, etc. Do it for yourself first, not for her, that way it's real and has the greatest possible effect. You've arrived at the fork in the road (and the journey may have been tough up to this point), now you decide how the rest of your life is lived - make the right decision and think about it lots before you pick where you're going and don't fool yourself into thinking you deserve the easy road right now - that doesn't represent the character you've been portraying to us for so long. You've gone this far, continue going further, keep tapping into that unrealized potential that's in you & waiting to be activated.
Great post robx!!! If you have time please check out my thread. Its complicated and very dysfunctional.
JD....enjoy life. I agree with robx. Her life is spinning down, make yours look attractive.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Thanks robx - I actually have done pretty friggin good since Christmas. I even went almost pitch-black-dark for the month of February, and came out in March a better man...
Quite honestly, the ultimatum was for me. I have stayed with W through a multitude of her "wanting to try again", wanting to move out, going back to school, etc. It's been plenty long enough. And at the end of two and a half years, she decided she wanted to date.
The original intent of filing D for me was because W was continuing in her affair. I will still file Monday, unless she ends it. My kids deserve to know that it's wrong. I sat down and explained to them what divorce was, and why it was wrong, and what an affair was (at a 6-8 year old level) and why it was wrong.
Although I know that W hasn't seen OM - I only have a casual observance by D8 that they are talking a lot less, and "a lot less" is not none at all - still, this is up to her.
I point-blank asked her if we were 100% done, and she can't even give me an answer? You know what, I'm happy, I'm fulfilled, I'm content, I know who I am, and what I'm worth.
I don't need to wait on W anymore - if she wants to come back, then she'll clearly and unequivocally say so, and that's it. Period.
I am not going to stoop anymore. I'm not going to allow her to disrespect me and my kids with an affair, no matter how platonic. I'm not going to continue to keep my life on hold.
I gave God full permission to stop me in my tracks and any time He sees fit, and I would immediately comply. Maybe he has caused the week delay and the weekend delay, but W could trot off Monday to OM's house, too. So, I'm moving forward.
